FYI, even thou I always loved both parents, I effectively disowned them due to my mother (who died 2 yrs ago) being a massive hoarder. My dad was not. I only visited to meet them at the door, and take them to dinner on occasions.
Their house was one just like on the TV show of the same name, “Hoarders”. All except my dads bedroom, which looks like a typical designer room from HGTV with a military degree beyond of orderliness (dad was an engineer, and also formerly a TMSgt USAF).
When mom died, one of my sisters moved in. I had no idea, she had the same hoarding mental illness, times 10, that mom had. In fact, after 5 years of city warnings, her own house was leveled, with all belonging still inside.
So now I refuse to visit that mess. I try to let dad know why, but he is 93 and may not understand. As far as mom, just like my sister, they don’t see their own hoarding, so she was totally hurt that i never visited.
No accusations, but have you looked internally for a possible answer? Is your spouse her bio parent, for example?
PS and yes, there is a considerable inheritance on the table, in my case, as well. Further motivation for my sister to not be motivated to clean up that mess. She is the person assign to manage my parents estate, and resides there (as of 5 years ago).
Sometimes its just an off color comment that will do it.
My dad and his brothers were in the war. One brother was in the army, on the ground, while dad and the other brother dropped bombs from 37K feet above.
Dads brother one day made the comment that he felt sorry for the poor bastards that were fighting it out on the ground, while he made it back to a nice bed every night.
The younger brother never spoke to him again, or his family. They never knew why. We only knew when he was on his deathbed. Note that they lived their lives in the same small town and worked for the same employer.
Dad said the younger brother barely survived a ground firefight, and was almost taken out by friendly fire in an airstrike. So that cheap comment did magnificent damage.
Dad stayed in contact with both brothers until they died (dad is still alive).
Have to agree with this - and I also agree with other posters - it sounds as if there’s something going on in HER life - it may well have NOTHING to do with you.
I wouldn’t expect a thing from my parents. There are only a few very limited circumstances that would cause me to cut out any of my children from my will (e.g. if they had a heroin addiction), even if they cut me out if their lives. If that was the case, I’d bypass them and give it to their kids.
[ul]
[li]Be sure that your lawyer makes and keeps notes on your mental capacity and on your reasons for writing out your child;[/li]
[li]Set out in the will itself the reasons for writing out your child;[/li]
[li]Document the efforts you have made to maintain your relationship with your child, and make and document ongoing efforts;[/li]
[li]Do not cut any corners that could leave your will open to attack – have the will prepared by and executed before an estate lawyer rather than a lawyer’s clerk, will factory, flunkie or friend.[/li][/ul]
Often a testator will make a token bequest to a black sheep conditional upon the child not contesting the will, however, this should only be done if the beneficiary is easily located – do not do this if black sheep is out of touch with the family, for it would be a pain in the ass for your executor to have to deal with the obligation to make best efforts to track down the child, and a piloniodal cyst in the ass to then have to either hold the bequest in trust for an indefinite period or get court approval to not hand over the bequest to the black sheep and instead give it to others.
It’s these problems that the executor will face should the black sheep not be locatable that would lead me to cut the black sheep out of the will. The last thing a close family member acting as executor needs when dealing with a loved one’s death is to have to fuss over a search and a court application.
It woudl be unreasonable IMO to expect an inheritance from someone you have disowned. It’s likely that she wouldn’t even want your money. But is that really your question?
It sounds as though you have no wish to disown her. So leave her a fair share, with instructions as to what to do with the money should she refuse it. Possibilities could be anything from a charity you like, to a charity she likes, to division between the other heirs, to a Trust for any progeny she has/will have.
My brother (only sibling) has cut off all contact with our mother. I tried for years to get him to come around. He and I used to be best buds, but this has pretty much ruined that as well.
It’s not easy to hear your mother cry.
Anyway, he is still in the will, but my Mom struggled with the decision a bit.
Include her in the will. Otherwise the family disfunction will continue past your death. And you aren’t dead yet, and she may come around some day, and hopefully not a day too late. Don’t let your life end on a sour note, taking a grudge to the grave with you. I know it’s not your grudge, but disowning your daughter will make it yours also.
I got the feeling that we had just done this, and it turns out you posted the same thread a couple of months ago. I agree with everyone else. It still seems a little premature to me, and maybe things will patch up. Four years is nothing. But if you don’t think so, do what makes you feel the most at ease. If you want to keep her in, keep her in. If you want to say, “Fuck you,” then do it. It’s your money and your mental state you have to deal with.
For me, my brother, father, and I went to great lengths to make sure there would be a (small) inheritance and that his second wife wouldn’t steal it.
As for kambuckta, there are other options besides just leaving money. Money can be left specifically for education, or skip a generation and be left in a trust for any children. You need to speak to an attorney to craft your will the way you want it to be crafted. This is one case where a will in the box kit isn’t going to hack it.
It sounds like you are relatively young and healthy now, but one thing to consider is who is going to take care of you in your old age. Obviously, one does not take care of an aged parent for the payoff, but it is a big deal.
I’ve known more than one person who literally dedicated the best years of their own retirement (65-75) taking care of declining parents: taking them to the doctor weekly, supervising hospital visits every month or more, dealing with paperwork and finances and bills and the government, shopping, researching, putting off their own plans to travel or even retiring early and losing significant earnings to take care of a parent, because the parent needs it and what can you do?
Some kids could do all that and more and not miss a beat if their not-in-contact-for-20- years sibling got the same share, but others would feel pretty hurt and taken for granted.
I’ve written before about my poor relationship with my father. I don’t think he’s got many years left. AFAIAA he’s not leaving me a penny, and I’m fine with that.
My dad is a hardcore idealist. He puts all his money in his non-profit business, aimed at providing sanitation to Third Word countries.
He has told me that while he loves me, my brother and my son, and appreaciates all we (especially I) doe for him, he does not feel we have any more right to his money then any other poor Third World person, and we need the money a good deal less.
I feel irrational and selfish for not liking it, but he has a point. So if there is any money left when he gets really old and infirm, I suppose he will use it to pay someone to carry on his work for as long as the money will allow.
It’s worth pointing out that no one getting any inheritance because the estate is going to charity is very, very different from one sibling inheriting everything and the others nothing. I’d be delighted if my parents blew through their estate, or left it all to whatever charity they feel is appropriate. I would be devastated if they left everything to my siblings and nothing to me.
I’d be worried if one of my kids had no contact with me or with siblings for four years, without a good (and obvious) reason. Does she live close enough that you or a sibling could go see her? I’m thinking not, or you would already have done that.
If she’s far away, friend someone on her FB page and ask them if she’s okay.
What the child expects is irrelevant. What do you want to communicate to her when you die? If you want to communicate to her that you loved her and always did, don’t disinherit her.
Out of curiosity. Can this be circumvented by gifting everthing away while you’re still alive and have one of the giftees take you on as a dependent until your demise? Or just keep enough back to tide you over until you kick off so the amount left to be inherited is pretty much insignificant?