The marriage is over. There’s lots of threads in my past about its disintegration and today I filed for divorce. There’s something pleasing to me about filing on Friday the 13th. 90 days waiting and it can be finalized - stupid rule but it’s the rule.
Meanwhile, I’ve been dating and have found a lovely woman who seems to really like me. I really like her. We’ve got scads in common, seem very compatible, and are carefully maneuvering our way into a exclusive relationship.
We both have issues[sup]tm[/sup] in our past and are trying hard to take things carefully, slowly, & respectfully but all indications are that there’s really something very worthwhile to pursue here.
Still, though, I have yet to hear the angels sing - that rush of youthful whoopee-wowee-whizbang joy that used to leave me singing “love is a many splendored thing” after the kiss over the threshold. I’m not sure that’s reasonable to expect after seeing, twice now, how “love” is often temporary and, occasionally, the pavement on a path to pain.
Am I jaded or realistic? What’s a reasonable expectation for a man of (sigh) 42 years as he searches for love in the big city?
I got divorced at 41. I dated a lot for a year and a half and finally met an amazing woman who feels the same way about me. We went on a few dates before it took but now I’m very happily monogamous again. I can’t vouch for 42 but I’m proof that it can happen at 43.
I’m pretty sure that love is, umm, developing (?) now.
I guess I’m wondering if that silly, head-over-heels feeling is just something them silly, inexperienced, young-un’s feel or it’s available to us old farts, too.
Personally, I’m hoping the slow-burn kind of love will be more lasting than the flashes-of-lightning variety.
Interesting question. I am not yet old enough to say for sure from firsthand experience, but I have met older couples that acted like goofy infatuated teens. I’m not sure that infatuation is all that good of a basis for a lasting relationship, though, so if you do feel something for this woman it seems like a good idea to give it a chance and see where it leads. All the best of luck!
Congratulations, Belrix, both on the divorce filing and the new lady. If I were you, I wouldn’t be too worried about the lack of singing angels just now, you have already said that both of you have issues from your lives and that is bound to leave you both feeling a bit wary of giving away too much too soon.
I read the threads about your marriage, and I know how bad you’ve been feeling about a lot of things from what you’ve written, but now it’s time you had something to look forward to, so here’s wishing you all the best with your new lady!
Congratulations on moving to a new and better place in your life, Belrix!
As for the ‘infatuated in-love thing’ during middle age, I was out with a couple Friday for dinner, and at one point they were definitely appreciating each other (verbally, you pervs!). And they are in their late forties. It was cute.
I think the angels happen, but I think you have to listen harder in your 40’s. You have to listen past the Issues[sup]tm[/sup] and past the other noise in your life. It’s a lot easier to hear the angels in your 20’s. G’luck.
You’re talking about infatuation. It’s not a requisite for love. Too often, it masquerades as ‘love’ except that it has a short lifespan and, when it’s gone, often nothing remains. I wouldn’t mourn it if I were you.
I don’t think I have ever felt the “lightning flash” type of love for my husband, but he is my partner, my mate, my closest friend, my ally against the world, my support, my rock, my partner in crime, my giggling-together-at-one-in-the-morning partner, and the only person I can stand to be around 24-7. The “angels singing” for me is my husband spending the night in the emergency room with me a couple of weeks ago (when he had to go to work the next morning) and me crying on his shoulder from my pain. It’s him driving seven hours with me to Moose Jaw to move my mom’s stuff, then turning around and driving seven hours back the next day. I’ll take having a mature, reliable relationship over angels singing any day. (Which is not to say we aren’t attracted to each other and have fun - we just have so much more than that, too.)
It sounds like you’re doing it right this time, and building a lasting relationship for the long haul, rather than relying on surging hormones. Oh yeah, I’m 40 and he’s 38, so right about in your ballpark.
I have a friend who’s in his late forties and is so obnoxiously in love I could smack him. I’ve known him for 5 years and I can’t say I ever dreamed I’d see this side of him because I always knew him as divorced and cynical. Now he’s a newlywed and he’s out of control with happiness. He’s quite exhausting to be around to tell the truth. I’m very happy for him though. And I’m glad to know him through this because it makes me realize that anything can happen.
I know another couple who are so intensely in love that they remind me of that couple RichAndAmy, who are wrapped around each other in the cartoon Zits. He’s in his late twenties and she’s in her early twenties, though, so maybe it’s more likely than in the forties. OTOH, I’ve never seen a pair who are so permanently velcroed to each other, though…
The angels still sing, but they can’t hit the high notes like they used to (damn cigarettes). A lot of that is the hormones, and being rather incomplete in your youth, so you’re not going to be goo-goo in lurve anymore.
Some people can get crazy with love at any age. My mother is 94 and her boyfriend of several years is 88. They are nuts about each other! It’s the biggest surprise of her life.
It’s so funny when she mad at him but she’s forgotten why and it’s bugging her!
But of course it doesn’t have to be the kind of romance that turns you into a chimehead. See what happens!
It’s different for us old farts for a few reasons, I think. For one we have the “been there, done that” thing going on. Most of us have experienced it before which is going to be different than the first time. In addition, we’ve all picked up some baggage over the years and been burned in the past so we’re more cautious and scared. So it’s still the same but maybe tempered.
You’ll still know it when it happens. In my case it just kind of snunk up on me much to my surprise.
I’m not sure that infatuation is all that good of a basis for a lasting relationship, though, so if you do feel something for this woman it seems like a good idea to give it a chance and see where it leads. All the best of luck!