Do door-to-door missionaries have ESP?

Today I moved to a new apartment. At 2 p.m., we first go into the apartment to check the condition. All papers are finalized and the condition of everything is checked by 2:20 p.m. I stay at the apartment to do a few things for a few moments.

At 2:30 p.m. I hear a knock on the door. Two missionaries come bringing tracts.

Look, I know missionaries like to greet new people to the neighborhood or something, but 10 fucking minutes after I move in? Don’t you people have the sense to wait until I get a few boxes and move some furniture up? Here I am, obviously in an almost empty apartment and you want to convert me? Is it not obvious enough that this is a bad time, or do you think that people live in empty apartments around here? Next time will I get missionaries at my door the second I even think about moving?

Of course, I’d be a prime convert target had they moved in a few heavy boxes.

You could always ask them to help you unpack.

You should have offered them some goat’s blood. Do you know which box it was in? That was a problem when I moved.

I’d try to get them to help, but as soon as they left my place the office people told them to get off the property and not to come back.

As for the goat blood, I’m fresh out. I wonder if they’d like some tracts which point out how wrong their religion is?

Oh, the possibilities…

You mean like these?

Ah, I was thinking actual Chick tracts, but fake ones are even better!

I am now convinced that these missionaries have surveillance on my apartment. 10 minutes after we bring up another load of boxes tonight, they stop by. I knew I was moving to a religious area, but what the heck? 10 minutes? I’m rather unnerved. Every time I step into my house, should I expect missionaries within the half hour or my money back?

This might be a marketable product. Foolproof way to catch someone home, hire our new missionary surveillance people!

More faux Chickies

Answer the door naked. Scratch a lot. Then offer to shake hands.