Inspired by this thread most recently, but really by every relationship thread I’ve read. Has there ever been an instance of a person posting to the Straight Dope with doubts about their relationship, where the primary response was “stay together and work on things”? I would imagine if there ever was one, it would be something in the vein of “stay together for the kids.” Has there ever been a situation, without kids involved, where the couple was anything less than completely happy, but the advice given by most people was still to stay together?
Thing is, most of the posts about relationships describe ones that are often downright unhealthy, including abuse, estrangement, power imbalances, or where two people have just grown so far apart that there’s nothing worth salvaging. Most of the people in those threads screaming DITCH HIM/HER!!! have lived those situations and seen them end badly, so they know what they’re talking about.
I’d think if someone posted about their marriage with the vibe of “I love my spouse but we are having X problem” there’d be plenty of advice on how to work through it but
the relationship threads around here seem to be of the “Titanic, meet Iceberg” variety.
There was some asshole a week or two ago who had left his wife and kids for a sweet young thing “the girl.” It was too late, maybe, but everyone thought he should have stayed and at least tried to work it out.
Well, almost everyone.
I think problems that can get worked out, get worked out and don’t show up on the message board.
Truly vexing situations can show up here because the poster has become desperate for direction. At that point, when the solution eludes the players, it’s probably over.
I dunno. I posted a thread last year because my husband wasn’t ready to have kids and I’m in the middle of a full-pitch baby fever. We have an excellent relationship overall. Many people posted very reasonable and helpful advice, but a not insignificant number had to make either me or my husband into a villain. Some suggested I give him ultimatum even though I stressed repeatedly that I was not leaving. Some told me he must not want to have children with me and our relationship was doomed. Others told me I was abnormal for trying to work it out instead of just leaving immediately. Others insisted he was a selfish asshole who didn’t care about my feelings. It was an interesting experience seeing how many different takes were offered on the same set of facts. The truth is we resolved our differences in a matter of weeks. There was no villain. Just two young people in different life stages for the first time in their relationship.
I agree many posters are motivated by past experience and wanting to help someone avoid their mistakes. But some I think are just bitter.
It’s the same as any thread complaining about a work situation. The advice is invariably: “Quit!”
Bolding mine, and I think you’ll find that this is exactly the sort of thing many Dopers will advise against. Quite a few of us are the products of such marriages … but that’s for another thread.
And yes, you see so much “OMG DTMFA!” responses because people don’t post about socks on the floor or whatever, they post about really bad, complicated problems.
(DTMFA = dump the motherfucker already, courtesy of Dan Savage.)
Olives, it’s nice to see you around here again, and I’m glad you said things are better now.
For most relationships, if you’re wondering if you should stay, it’s usually best not to. That being the case, it stands to reason that most threads about it will turn out that way.
Maru’s law indicates relationship threads tend to have a pretty even distribution.
45% You/partner are a monster. Dump them/they should dump you. Also, one of you needs to die painfully, if it’s not too inconvenient. If children are present, they’ve been horribly traumatized. If not, allow me to express my gratitude to you/partner that you have not reproduced.
25% You/partner are complaining about nothing. They/you do not deserve you/them. You/they are a bad person for bringing this up, and you should feel bad.
5%* Men/women are evil! Especially any memeber of this perticular relationship which falls into that category! Allow me to educate you on why.
**5% ** One of the previous categories, but with particulars having no bearing on the relationship in question, adding a fun, surreal take on events.
20% Something resembling actual, relevant advice.
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*While these START at 5%, that percentage increases for every page the thread continues past the first. I am unsure of the precise rate of the increase, but it seems not too far off the Fibonacci sequence.
LOL. The OP in that thread has been around awhile. I thought it was crazy how fast everyone turned on him. This place is like a wolf pack.
What difference does it make how long the OP was around before he summarily and without warning left his wife and young children for a new piece of ass, without even attempting to work out their problems? I wasn’t part of the pile-on in that thread, but before you leave a marriage, you owe it to your partner to at least attempt to solve your problems.
**Ura-maru **speaks the truth.
Relationship threads are much more Rorschach tests than anything else. What we see are people projecting their relationship history & prejudices onto the OP’s situation. Almost regardless of how well or poorly the OP’s situation matches their own history.
People don’t come on here describing their healthy, rewarding relationships and then asking if they should stick with it.
They come on when a voice in their head is saying “something isn’t wrong here” and they want to know if that voice is right. Usually it is. In relationships, usually if you have to ask, then you already know the answer.
I haven’t jumped into those threads, but for those of us who have been through more than a few break ups, we realize that the mistake we often made was hanging around too long when it was “over.”
Boy howdy, you sure said it.
And that’s good…right? 
Turned on him for what? Being awesome?
Or if they do, they get bumped down to the bottom of the page before too many people can weigh in.
I think the OP sets the tone for a lot of these things. Sometimes it just seems like someone wants permission to get out of a relationship, or confirmation that what they’re experiencing is not the norm. And sometimes they insert a line about loving their partner to death and not wanting to break up with them… before venting for six paragraphs with all the juicy details and doubts.
No, everyone turned on him for being an asshole. But he wasn’t just some random drop-in poster. He was a long standing member. In one post he goes from being just a regular member to an asshole taking a 6 ( at last count ) page long beat down. I just found it … interesting.
This. 110% this. A lot of relationship threads are basically crypto bitch fests where the OP lays out his or her case for the prosecution about why their SO is an uncooperative, misbehaving so and so. The funniest part is where the dopers use the negative info given by the OP in good faith, make a recommendation, then discover the OP is shocked and stunned the people giving advice are taking their description seriously and they start defending their SO. Then people attack the OP for being a fool. It’s always a good time.