There are a few posters on here (who I won’t name) that post almost continually about how awful their marriage/relationship is. Every post in every thread seems to contain some hint of it. Any mention of the spouse is negative, sometimes bordering on mean. There seems to be no love at all.
Now, I understand that some people like to bitch about their partner (I know a lot of women who are particularly bad about this) just for the sake of bitching. They moan about what a jerk the other person is, but if that person said they were leaving, the moaner would be very heart-broken.
But I assume that’s not the case for everyone.
So - if you really, really don’t like your partner (whether you bitch about them on here or not), why do you stay with them? Is it fear that you won’t meet someone else? A misguided attempt to stay together ‘for the children.’ Inertia?
I can’t comment on myself, but on my parents. They have that been-together-forever vibe where they snipe at one another and don’t really notice they’re doing it, but it’s obvious to someone else. They’ve been married 43 years and I guess they figure it’s no worse than anything else. And they do share some interests–their religion, camping, traveling. And of course all the inside jokes that make them a couple.
What I find hard is the real horrible stuff from early in their marriage that my mom would still cry about if she talked about it. I don’t know how she got past that and stayed with him.
I actually haven’t noticed any of what you’re talking about on this board. I see people bitching about their exes, but not bitching about their current partners.
See, this sounds similar to my grandparents (both of whom are now dead) - they bickered all the time. However, when they were talking about each other to an outsider, there was still a bit of affection or positive regard or something. And my grandmother wished she could leave my grandfather, but still managed to have some warm feelings about him.
What I’m talking about is like this - I once met a couple. They HATED each other. He had bought her a 4 carat diamond ring for her birthday. He said “I bought the stupid, fat bitch the ring and all she can do is bitch about it.” She said “Stupid, impoetnt prick bought me this ugly ring with this shit ass small stone. He has a tiny pecker.”
They went on like that for hours. They weren’t kidding.
If you were in this relationship, why in god’s name would you stay?!?!? I’ve read posts on here that come accross that way. Like the person writing really, really HATES their spouse.
Well, I really don’t want to start posting names and linking to threads, but I can think of at least two posters off the top of my head - one who started a very mean thread about their partner, and one who posts about how shitty their marriage is in EVERY FREEKIN’ POST regardless of what the thread is about. There’s a poster in the middle of a divorce right now who isn’t as mean-spirited about their soon to be ex parter as these two are about their current mates.
It doesn’t really matter, to be honest - I only included that part of the OP as it’s what prompted this thread - I don’t want to start dumping on someone if they’re using the dope as an outlet (even if I think it’s a bad idea).
Oh, wow, I have had this question too. A couple of them I really like. of course we are only hearing one side, but you often see these people in relationship threads, telling others to avoid their red flags, while they continue living in that hellish relationship.
I say, fuck that shit. Life is too short to stay with someone who has no respect or love for you! And these people don’t come off as abused; I mean, they seem to know they are being treated wrongly, and yet…nothing can persuade them to walk.
Yes! However, sometimes it doesn’t even seem that they are being treated wrongly - it just seems as though they hate the person they live with. Not because the person is mean, or beats them, or is an alcoholic, but because they put the toilet paper on the wrong way, or forget to take out the trash, or scratch their left ear every time they wake up. Totally random shit that has no bearing on their niceness or meanness.
I think some people just feed off of drama. I knew a few people who led their lives like they thought they lived in a soap opera (purposely getting knocked up by their married lover or making up crazy lies about people to stir up fights and controversy) and they strike me as the kind of people who will never be happy in a relationship if their spouse isn’t being an asshole about something.
There is no more complicated human relationship than a long-term marriage/cohabitation.
I don’t think anyone outside the relationship could possibly know enough to understand the intricacies.
Of course, if there is abuse, you find a way out and you rely on third-party help as needed, but otherwise, there are just too many facts involved, even for a counselor/psyche person to get a real handle on it, not to mention a casual observer–even family.
Ah see I know people like that who tear each other apart out of love. But when people first get to know them they assume it’s some sort of mutually abusive relationship. But yeah, there are definitely people who, if their relationships are as shitty as they describe them, are seemingly insane for not getting out. People who don’t have kids or shared mortgages. Half of them will admit ‘Oh it’s really not that bad’ when you ask why they don’t break up. The other half are serial monogamists terrified of being alone.
Sometimes people seem to feel like they get social props for being the long-suffering partner of an irredeemable jerk. I don’t get it myself. I once saw a stand-up comic routine that consisted entirely of him telling the story of a fight with his girlfriend. They both came off like total assholes and I wondered what kind of a loser he was to put up with that shit (and I had the exact same question about her). The audience was laughing so I guess there’s something to it, but it’s a mystery to me.
Sometimes they’re trying to elicit sympathy - look at me, I’m so hard done by! Give me positive attention and affirmation that I’m okay!
Some people don’t feel like they deserve to be happy. Some people are scared to leave. It’s complicated.
But I know that in my experience, whenever I complain like that about an intimate partner, it’s time to break up.
It’s tough to perceive clearly when you’re caught up in something. I can attest that, if I had been posting during the last few years of my marriage, I would have been complaining of conditions that would have seemed unbearable, but it took me years to realize that “unbearable” meant that I couldn’t bear it. Painful as it was for my youthful visions of my life, for my kids, for my once-profound respect for my wife, I would have to sever ties. I placed way too much weight on my vows, on my hopes that this was a protracted bad patch, on the concept of loyalty to realize fully that these things were making it impossible for me to live in a way that didn’t make me miserable permanently, and it took a while for me to reconcile my self-image with an image of me as a divorced guy. It’s not easy.
I’m in a relationship where we (a lot of the time) hate each other. For me, it’s just my own laziness, plus the fact that I’ll have to give him a LOT of money if I leave, and I really have a problem with that. Given the situation is my own fault, I try not to complain about it here or IRL.
I cope by avoiding the ugliness as much as possible and do my best to stay happy.
My last long-term relationship wasn’t nearly as bad as some of what I’ve seen described here, but it was certainly bad enough. I was less-than-thrilled for probably 5 of the ten years we were together, and profoundly unhappy for at least two of them. What kept me there was, well, that I’d said I’d stay.
In retrospect, that was seriously stupid of me. The years since I left that relationship have been the happiest of my life.
Yes. I’ve seen this. It seems to me like some weird variant of Munchausen’s. This kind of person expects to be pitied and admired for their fortitude in suffering through a bad marriage. Often enough, this very person is the one responsible for the badness of said marriage, much as someone with Munchausen’s is responsible for his or her own physical illness.
I wondered about this. Honestly, getting furious about toilet paper or ear scratching seems like a symptom of being a bit of a douche-bag, but I dunno. If it was coupled with other stuff perhas it would be madness inducing.
I’m convinced my sister in law is like that. She is constantly complaining about her husband and elicits tons of sympathy and support from my wife thereby - my wife gets pissed a bit, but in this one respect (and in this respect alone) my wife is apparently an easy mark.
Dane Cook does a lot of bits that basically consist of him ranting about nothing fights. Might explain why he’s single.
Keep in mind, people might just be ranting anonymously about the %5 of their relationship that sucks while the other %95 is good. No relationship is good all the time. People fight. They have arguments. They get frustrated with their boyfriend accidently using their toothbrush because it’s blue and blue is the international symbol of “boy” and all ten of the toothbrushes are freakin shades of blue anyway and who cares because it’s not any worse than making out which we never do any more because I’m tired by the time I get home from my stupid job which I need to do if you want us to get a bigger place and if you get home so early maybe you could go freakin work our instead of just sitting on the couch eating potato chips and letting yourself go to shit and I can’t FUCKING BELIEVE YOUR PARENTS ARE FUCKING COMING OVER THIS WEEKEND BECAUSE THAT’S JUST PERFECT AND NO I HAVEN’T BEEN DRINKING!!!
