I think not having to work is part of what constitutes being a guest.
That said, a bunch of 24 year old partying at a beach house for a weekend is more of a community thing than a dinner party. Everyone should chip in, and it’s entirely okay to say, “hey, can you guys clean up the living room while we do the kitchen?” or something along those lines. Anyone who refuses would be uninvited to similar events in the future.
I stayed with friends in Santa Cruz for many a weekend, and I never dreamt of doing so without buying a few cases of beer and/or doing a sinkful of dishes (or cleaning up some other mess I had a part in creating) and/or buying a meal or two for everyone (depends on specifcs, of course). And last weekend, I stayed in Seattle with some friends, and they had just moved in, so the entire place was a mess, but I did buy a few rounds when we went to the bars.
If for no other reason, 10 people can clean a house a helluva lot faster than one or two hosts and everyone can get on with their day.
While I don’t think being a guest necessitates chipping in, one should at least, for politeness’ sake, offer. I usually help or in the very least offer to help… but some people genuinely enjoy having guests and treating their guests completely as guests without the expectation of helping out. It just depends on the host, I guess.
And the only real way for them to know what sort of host YOU are is for them to offer, or you to just say. And I do feel that you, as the host, had a responsibility to say, ‘‘Hey, help me out with this.’’ I don’t think it’s fair to really hold it against them if you didn’t even ask. Not everybody knows the Unwritten Rules of Etiquette. You should have made it clear you expected them to help.
Perhaps I misunderstood the concept of asking one’s opinion of a situation. If so, I apologise, what I should have said was: Well, bless your little heart. How horrible this experience must have been for you. I mean, how dare these people that you invited over as guests do something so rude as not clean your house and wash your dishes for you while you slept in, totally unaware of their desire for food, entertainment or other niceties that we here in the Southern part of the US understand as part and parcel of a guest invitation. I understand totally why you’re so upset, you little dear. Just bless your little heart.
Where were my manners?
I have never been a guest in another person’s home and not offered to help clean or (if an overnight or longer guest) to strip the bed, but I have turned down offers to be a guest in the homes of those who expect me to do these things.
I think it is incumbant on a guest to display good manners - which would require them to help with chores - which mean they DO have responsibility to help out. You’ve invited them to your house. You’re not a maid or their mother, it’s not a hotel. They should help out.
Of course I would have no problem telling my friends to get of their asses and grab a hefty bag.
If they feel enough at home to make themselves breakfast, they should certainly feel enough at home to tidy up.
In a perfect world, servants silently clean between the bacchanal and brunch. In a less perfect world, the first person up tidies a bit while the coffee is brewing, and everyone does a bit. However, only the host or hostess puts anything away.
I would agree that in this case, help was owed, because it was 10 people staying for the weekend and that is more than 2 people can cleanup after and still enjoy themselves. But if someone owes you something then it’s okay to ask nicely for it, and if you don’t ask, then (IMHO) you have to give them the benefit of the doubt when they don’t pony up. So ditto olivesmarch4th.
I actually would give them credit for offering help after breakfast, its not the most barbaric thing in the world to eat Sunday breakfast before you start cleaning up Saturday night’s party. And if people are sitting around the table chatting, they genuinely might not be paying attention to what you were doing.
I’m not opposed to constructive criticism. What I do find rather ironic is someone who is a self-professed paragon of grace coming in and calling me “gauche” for my genuinely-asked question. I must have missed it when Miss Manners deemed that gracious.
When my parents have guests over and they stay in the nice guest bedroom, said guests are not expected to lift a finger. How they keep the guest bedroom (whether they make their bed or not, etc) is their business, and it’s expected that we’ll clean up after them when they leave.
When my roommate and I have a dinner party, we don’t expect our guests to do anything. If they offer, we might ask them to take some plates to the table, but that would be about it.
However, if a bunch of us are staying somewhere for the weekend, it’s understood that everyone should be pitching in. Especially if one of us has been so kind to offer the use of their cabin/house/whatever. Especially if there are more than two or three guests. My friends and I are the same age group as the OP, and I really can’t imagine a scenario where one of us invites the others over to spend the weekend somewhere, and those of us who are guests don’t bother to offer to help with household chores.
I agree that sometimes people don’t help out simply because they don’t notice the other person cleaning, not because they feel entitled or they’re lazy. Friends I would spend such a weekend with would be people I’d feel comfortable asking, “Hey, could you help me ____ ?”
I guess my point is that I’ve been in ‘‘don’t you even dream of lifting a finger’’ situations and I have been in ‘‘all I ask while you stay here is that you clean up after yourself’’ sort of situations ,and all situations in-between. People have all sorts of different kinds of expectations when they are a host and when they are guests, based on past experiences of being guests/hosts.
And I just see situations like this and think, ‘‘It’s a shame she didn’t just tell them she wanted help.’’ Because now you are going to probably think of your friends as lazy and unappreciative and it all could have been avoided by a just a little, you know, directness.
I’m not saying I’m the paragon of confrontation, but seriously, it’s just housework. Nothing wrong with saying, ‘‘Hey, would you mind giving me a hand?’’ If it really bugs you that much, say something.
I think your friends should have offered to help, but I don’t think it’s their fault that you didn’t ask. The number one way to ensure that boundaries are respected is to make them clear from the beginning.
I think this might be the problem - nobody in our circle has had a party like this before. We’ve had house parties, dinner parties, and poker/game nights but last weekend was a different beast altogether and I can buy that nobody really knew what to expect. Actually, strike that. When we dropped by my fiance’s parents’ house to thank them, the first thing his little brother (and then later his mother) said was “I bet the cleaning took ages.”
Don’t worry, I’m not holding a grudge against my friends. After a couple of days the tiredness fades and you just remember the fun (there were dolphins at the beach! We ate 4 dozen Krispy Kremes! I got a gorgeous tan and seaweed in my bikini!) I love them, and get that they can be clueless about stuff just as I can be clueless about stuff. In this very thread opinions have ranged from “you should ask your friends to help” to “you shouldn’t ask but they’re rude not to offer” to “it’s the height of rudeness to even dream of asking your friends”. In hindsight I’m not surprised there was a disconnect.
The last time (it’s been a while) we went to a weekender in Santa Cruz at a regular ol’ house, the friends actually hired a maid at a service. She came in both mornings and cleaned up our messes. It was way cool, and didn’t cost a lot at all, and we all went and played at being tourists.
We did offer to share her fee, but they basically said “a host is a host”. Had a ball.
Peace,
mangeorge
The way to avoid that is all in how you make the invitation. A dinner party, an evening party, an over night, a weekend, with and without kids, they bring anything, I supply it all. I get invited for a weekend and I’ll ask what I can bring, the answer to that will go a long way in telling me what I’m going to do while there and how I’ll deal with helping.
As a kid, in the Army, I learned that I never leave a bed like that.
especially at someone else’s place. I find it hard not to clean up a motel room and actually do to some extent.
In my family/friends circle, it seems to work like this:
Guests always offer to help out, but the first time this happens, they are usually warmly thanked and politely told to relax and enjoy themselves. They offer to help again next time and their help is graciously accepted, but the work is kept light for them, after that, it’s a mixture of “oh, thanks, but there’s no need” and 'Oh, thanks, are you sure? - here’s the teatowel"
Of course that’s for guests staying overnight or longer. Guests for a single meal/evening are not expected, almost not allowed to help with the work, unless they insist or it’s obvious they want to use it as an opportunity for a private chat.
I have to mention that while I feel somewhat obligated to make my bed in the morning, I just am not genetically capable of putting it back the way I found it often. Tucking, folding, crisp lines! Sorry but I need lessons first! You’ll have to make do with fairly even and folded over once.
I don’t think one or a couple of guests should be expected to clean up, even for a weekend. But polite people would not dream of saddling their FRIENDS with cleaning up all the mess they made. What kind of "friends: are those? And they all thought that you two were supposed to clean up for all 10 of them?! That’s pretty damn ballsy, or clueless, of them.
Hosts shouldn’t expect their guests to clean up, but guests, esp. for a weekend, should not expect to be waited on as though they are at a hotel. Friends don’t sit around and watch their other friends clean up the communal mess. That’s just rude.
Now if I (a youngish person) are hosting the little old lady from down the street, then I would absolutely not expect nor want her to help. People my own age, then yes, I’d be warmly appreciative and more likely to invite them back if they made an effort to not treat me like the maid. They don’t have to vacuum and clean the tub, but throwing out the trash and loading the dishwasher is not too much for them to do.
Absolutely. You should always offer to help and let the host tell you whether they would like your help or not. In fact, you should automatically start chipping in. A good guest doesn’t ask - you clean your plate and bring it to the kitchen, put stuff in the fridge - I’ve found most hosts don’t mind that help at all. Some of course will say “Hey! Stop doing that!” and then you can not bother, I suppose.
I think that’s how it works for mild cleaning up after oneself. Dishwashing, etc. is a larger task and the guest should offer to help… but a gracious host would probably say no.
Given the dynamic, the friends should have helped to clean up without being asked. Like many who have posted in this thread, I even have a hard time leaving stuff a mess if I’m at a hotel. I’m pretty uncomfortable with the idea of people cleaning up my mess… I guess I could never have a maid!
I always at the very least throw away my own trash when I’m a guest, and it seems strange and at least a little rude to me that they didn’t even do that. Doing the dishes is more of a gray area; I generally like to handle that myself when I’m hosting, but it would have been nice for them to have at least asked.
I think the comments like this are misleading. If the hosts were the last people to get up, that kind of implies they slept pretty late. Especially if they’d partied the night before. How long were the guests supposed to wait before having breakfast?
People keep mentioning trash. Wazzat, paper plates etc?
Now there ya go. Disposable tableware and a big trash bag. Line all the serving dishes with foil.
I’m so smart. And single. Hmmm…
Its also illustrative of why it isn’t reasonable to expect hosts to wait on ten people hand and foot for a weekend. Cleaning up after, waiting on, and cooking for ten is a full time plus job, and if your hosts are going to do their socializing for the weekend as well, people are going to need to pitch in - or at least take responsibility for some of their own mess and cook their own breakfast.
