Regarding the visiting, just tell them you’ll be staying in a hotel. Say it’s more comfortable for your family to have your own space. Don’t debate it, just declare it.
Since this smell seems to be coming more from step-mom, why not address it with dad? Come at it from a medical standpoint. Since he’s been living with it, it probably crept up on him and he doesn’t realize how bad it is. Tell him, and get her to a doctor.
Good luck, sounds like an unpleasant situation all around.
I cosign this suggestion.
If honesty really freaks you out, you can always blame allergens on why you must stay in a hotel. “It seems I’ve developed a sensitivity to dust in my old age.” Havng a dusty house is not as embarrassing as having a stinky one.
I agree. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to stay at a hotel instead of a family member’s place, even if their home wasn’t disgusting. Let them know that you’re looking forward to seeing them but that you will be staying at a hotel, and don’t leave it up for debate. If they try to pressure you into staying with them, make it clear you’ll see them for plenty of time during the weekend (or however long), but that you’ll be staying at the hotel, and then switch the topic of conversation.
Yes, tell them and make it clear that they understand, then it is up to them, so time to let it drop It is hard to know if you yourself smells bad, and if you did I and didn’t know would assume you would like to at least be told.
OK, well first, if she’s elderly, with diabetes and thyroid issues, that’s not at all the same as being “bone-lazy.” So if you don’t want to come across as being judgmental then you’d better stop judging her in that manner.
As for the cleaning, what is your/their financial situation? Can you afford to send a maid crew over, even just once per month? If you can get them cleaned out once, then a monthly maintenance, that could be enough to let them handle the in-between chores. With health issues and age, and over-work against them, it’s easy to get to the point where one just doesn’t know where to start, and it’s all too overwhelming. Once that happens, folks just stop seeing it out of sheer self-defense.
While I agree that it’s your job to speak up to them, it’s also your job to help if you can. I’m guessing he’s not wealthy or he wouldn’t be working long hours. Or maybe he would, to avoid the home environment, IDK. My point is that you can come to all this from a place of concern for him and your SM.
“I’m glad SM is starting to feel better Dad, but I still don’t think she is up to the home maintenance, and I’m concerned that it’s gotten out of control. Can I help you with getting a service in?”
A good ice breaker might be something like this article: Clutter and Depression | Clutter Solutions | HouseLogic
you could send it to him and suggest that these might be steps you/he could take to support her recovery.
As for staying there when you visit, are you certain they won’t be relieved to have you stay elsewhere? I don’t mean that in a catty way, it’s just that for elderly, ill, people, caring for company can be quite stressful. They may be very happy to see you, and even happier not to have to make breakfast for everybody.
55 is elderly now? Damn. All my best years are behind me.
This right here. If you can’t count on your friends and family to tell you the brutal truth, who can you count on? Remember that there were probably other people on their flight that were thinking the same thing as you (only they were captive in the airplane). You’ll be saving them embarrassment by being honest - imagine how they’d feel of some stranger told them what you are thinking.
You’re family - you need to do this! Now get in there and tell dad he stinks!
Dude. No.
This isn’t “something seems a bit whiffy; maybe you need deodorant.” This is a full-on lifestyle thing that you either need to intervene on or be blunt about or something. I’m of the opinion, I should say, that you need to address it as a systemic problem, not make an excuse today, and a different one tomorrow, etc. It’s not about this instance of hygiene, in other words. It’s about their lifestyle and their habits.
Well, you’ve listed three physical health conditions that could contribute to body odor, one mental illness that commonly leads to poor self-care, and one physical trait (obesity) that could make it difficult to care for one’s self and house. Given all of this, it’d almost surprise me if she didn’t smell. And how obese? People can reach a point of obesity where they can’t properly clean themselves.
Given the list of traits you mention, I have a hard time believing you understand her situation or capabilities. Now maybe she’s just lazy… but depression and thyroid problems can individually make it very hard to function, and she’s got both. Maybe she does need some pulling herself up by the bootstraps, but I just don’t think you’re understanding her situation or capabilities.
This is not just a messy or smelly house. You mention that the health department was involved once, and I can see why. In any event, I don’t know any healthy person who allows this to develop. This is not just laziness. Whether the root cause is mental and/or physical, this still sounds like a medical problem to me.
I really don’t know what to suggest about solving the problem, but you definitely need to have a conversation with one or both of them and then explore what options are available to make sure they have the right medical attention and the right mix of outside help.
Whatever you do, you really need to try to separate this out from your feelings about your stepmom. All I have to go on is this thread, and I don’t know you or anything about your life. That said, from where I am sitting this looks an awful lot like a story about your stepmom rather than about your smelly dad.
A couple of posters suggested that I am being a bit harsh on my stepmother. They are entitled to their opinion, but I don’t really agree with that interpretation. First, note that in the OP, I highlighted that the odor was coming from the both of them. It would have been easy to blame someone who is not my blood relation, but I think my dad was as much the source as my SM. Although in later days it seemed that more of the odor was from her, I don’t have conclusive proof of that (I didn’t really want to come any closer than necessary to test my hypothesis). And in any case, I can attest that the bad hygiene habits are as much from my dad as from my SM.
As for being judgemental about my SM, it is possible that I am, but I am not sure. I too would be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that her health keeps her from getting out and working (to answer dracoi, she is 5’5” and probably 250 pounds, obese, but still able to function). But it is a fact that she suddenly seems very able-bodied when it comes to doing something fun – extended shopping excursions, visting family several states away, and in my case, trips to Europe. Perhaps I am being petty, but it does rankle a bit knowing that my dad (who is 68) is working several jobs and 50 hours a week just for the two of them to make ends meet. It would really make a difference if she could bring in some money.
Family is a tricky thing – especially ours. Although my SM is probably not my favorite person in the world, my father loves her, and she makes him happy. And I love my father, so that all that matters. Sorry if my ‘bone lazy’ reference was harsh, it’s just that I worry about my dad. But (like the smell and house issue), it would be really tricky, and possibly none of my business, to raise the question of my SM not working…
Anyway, to get back to the topic, I have some more clarity now and agree with several posters, that we should just tell them we will stay in a hotel. And we shouldn’t need to explain ourselves, but it occurred to me that if we choose a resort-style hotel it would actually be pretty fun for the kids (and us), and would add a bit of ‘vacation’ to our family visit. And in fact the last time we visited them, we did a joint mini-vacation with them to Lake George, which was both fun, and clean.
But I also see that their body odor and the house situation might be more than just an aesthetic issue, and perhaps for their wellbeing I will need to do something about it…
The same thing occurred to me. And to boot, for their return trip, he was on his second day of non-bathing and she was on her third!
I agree. Unless they sweat mightily, there’s no reason these people should be so stinky after 2 or 3 days. Checkups are definitely in order.
I don’t understand this. I would smell like a rotting corpse left out in the sun if I missed a day of showering, let alone two. There is nothing wrong with me health-wise.
Sweating and body odor vary considerably from person to person and depends on multiple factors, including diet, health, and genetics.
I’ve encountered people who, no matter how hygienic they are, rapidly acquire stink. One of them was a steady boyfriend of mine for two years and it was very hard to bring the subject up with him, but he later thanked me for it and the solution was for him to shower twice a day. His doctor speculated it was something to do with late teenage hormones and said the fellow wasn’t the only one he’d seen with the problem. He wasn’t unclean, he just smelled bad sooner than the rest of us.
There are genetic combinations that result in a person’s body generating amazing stink. Fortunately rare, but it can happen.
Some older people gradually lose their sense of smell - they don’t smell bad to themselves, so they don’t realize they’re offending others unless they’re told. When my allergies are acting up my sense of smell gets really impaired and I ask my spouse to do a sniff check on me, but if you don’t know your sniffer is unreliable you probably won’t consider do it. Worse yet if the sniffer’s sniffer is also impaired.
Then there are folks who can go 2-3 days without bathing and, if they’re sedentary and wear clean clothes, it’s unlikely anyone will notice. Yes, really. Probably a combination of the right genes and a diet that doesn’t contribute to body odor. You aren’t likely to notice these folks because, well, they don’t stink and thus don’t attract attention. It’s not like they’d stand up and say “Hey, I only shower every third day and I smell GREAT!”