Do I tell my dad he smells?

In My Humble Opinion
1

This is a delicate situation, and I really am not sure how to handle it. My father and stepmother just visited us for two weeks. It was a good visit generally, we all got to play tourist and see some interesting local sights, and I got to spend some quality time with my dad. The problem is one of hygiene. When I picked them up from the airport (after a long intercontinental flight), I immediately noticed that both of them smelled really bad. The odor filled my car, and had the same effect in our apartment. It was shockingly bad, more than just tangy underarm odor, but general stink (sorry, I can’t think of words to describe it – they just smelled bad). It went like this for the whole trip, wherever they were just had a cloud of body odor around it. My wife and I took whichever steps we could without actually saying anything (making up an excuse to keep all of our shoes on the balcony outside, spraying their shoes with lysol every night while they slept, doing laundry almost every day). Gradually it got a little better as they became immersed in our environment and all their clothes made it through the wash. But that is when we realized the root cause of it – they didn’t bathe much. I think my dad bathed every alternate day when he was with us, and my stepmother bathed every third day. And they didn’t even have a shower on the first day they arrived, even after 10 hours in a plane and 24 hours in the same clothes!

And the second (no doubt related) problem is the hygiene of their own house. Their home smells (and looks) almost as bad, but at the scale of an entire building. Their place is revolting and we dread having to visit them. My stepmother does not work, yet despite being at home all day, doesn’t clean much either. There is 25 years of accumulated dirt and stink in their house. The have a dog, which doesn’t help any, but I think that the odor is mostly from them. Whenever we have visited my hometown in the past, we have been able to make an excuse to stay at my mother’s place (she lives 10 miles away), saying that for reasons of nostalgia we wanted to stay in my childhood bedroom. That worked OK, and we managed to survive the few hours we would have to spend at a time at their place. However, my mother is about to sell the home and move away, which means that we won’t have that excuse the next time we visit. I don’t even want to think about having to sleep in my dad’s house, not just for myself, but for my wife and my two young daughters. For all I know there might actually be health risks involved. There was even a time quite a few years ago when the Health Department actually cited them.*

So I am grappling with two questions. The first is, do I say anything to my dad about their body odor, and if so, what? The smell problem really impacted on the quality of the trip, and made us count the days until they left, which was really sad.

But even if we can get them to take care of their personal hygiene while they visit us, our future visits to their place pose a bigger problem. I just can’t imagine anything they could do there to make it acceptable…

Thoughts and advice would be appreciated.

  • Or it might have been Child Services. I can’t remember.
2

Yes, definitely. Who else is going to tell them?

Perhaps bring it up in a context of how you fear it affects THEM, though - not “Your smell makes ME feel…” instead “I am worried about YOU…”

If they balk at that, then tell them it’s a problem for you (maybe not wife, unless he adores your wife) and if they are not going to change you will need to set them up in a hotel for future visits as well as stay in a hotel for yours.

I mean…what’s the worst that can happen?

3

Yes. I wouldn’t tell a stranger that they smell, but when it’s a close family member, it’s your responsibility.

Personally, I wouldn’t dress it up at all. I’d just say “Dad, you’re filthy and you stink to high hell. Sort yourself out.” Then he’d understand that I’m not joking around.

4

By now, they are probably used to it. They don’t notice anymore, so youwill have to tell them. I’d be very specific. “Shower more often” will just get you a “But I do shower enough”.

Instead, say: “Most people in here, in this climate, shower twice a day. Showering once a day is the absolute minimum.” Same speech for laundry and using deodorant. Deodorant is extra tricky, because some people think deodorant replaces showering.

I had somewhat the same with my dad a couple years back. Not nearly as bad, but his clothes started smelling really musty. I half joked to him that he was in danger of becoming a “dirty old man”, literally.
While my dad had access to a washing machine, he had no real good place to dry his laundry, no dryer, and he’s the kind of guy who thinks ironing is silly.

The solution was to point him to a laundry service near the place where he lived. They take in a bag of laundry and return it washed, dried and folded/ironed. Price by the pound. My pitch to him was that while he paid the laundry service, he bought extra time to do more important work.

5

A person shouldn’t reek if his clothes are being laundered and he showers every other day. Might there be health issues involved?

But yeah, I think you have to have a conversation about it. They most likely can’t smell themselves, as any former smoker can tell you.

6

I don’t think he’s going to listen to you to the point where he actually addresses the problem. You have to get a third party involved. One way or another you’ve got to get him to a physician. You then need to contact the physician beforehand and tell him what your concern is. The physician will be able to put his odor in the context of a serious health problem. (Which it actually may be). The same goes for your dad’s wife. Get her to a doctor. Make sure follow up appointments are made and kept.

As far as the house goes, same thing. Get a third party involved. This time either the city or county health department. Hopefully an inspection will get the health department to issue some kind of clean up order.

Your indirect involvement is the only way these issues are going to be solved. If you confront your dad directly, he will take it as an insult and just dig his heals in. Just make sure that neither the doctors nor the health department reveal that it was you that prompted them to action. And when at some point you hear about the doctors’ orders and the health department’s instructions, tell your dad that maybe these people are right and he should get himself cleaned up.

7

Could it also be health issues? Diabetes, for example, can make people have a specific odor. I’ve noticed in my own father (who is very much under a doctor’s care, etc.)

8

Maybe he doesn’t use deodorant often enough.

9

Why are you making up excuses not to stay at their house? Tell them it stinks, so you aren’t going there until/unless they clean it up. Offer to help, but stay in a hotel or with friends.

10

I really wish someone would invent an app that would set off an alarm whenever people stink. It would emit a different alarm based on the nature of the BO, so you’d know exactly how to rectify the situation. The app could pay for itself with advertisements for hygiene products.

I really wish I knew how to code.

11

I would only say something if you think he would have any interest in doing something about it. I imagine if he’s living the way you describe, that he wouldn’t.

12

This is my first thought too. Unless we’re talking about the tropics with no A/C, or someone who does physical labor all day long, a daily shower shouldn’t be necessary to prevent the kind of odor the OP describes. If clothes were being washed and even shoes deodorized, then that’s also something that should prevent the odor.

Thus, I’d conclude that this kind of odor has to be some sort of medical issue. Here’s a link that suggests body odor could be symptom of diabetes, or problems with the kidneys, liver or thyroid.

Having reached that conclusion, I’d approach it that way. “I noticed a body odor issue and I’m worried it might be a medical problem. Have you seen your doctor recently?”

The house I would maybe approach at a different time. Maybe a medical problem is the cause of poor housekeeping…

13

Yeah, but why would it be the two of them? And notice he said outright that neither of them bathe or do laundry regularly.

I’d just be blunt and tell them.

15

Here’s how I tell my Dad: “Say Dad, when was the last time you had a shower? Been at least a day or two, hasn’t it?” He says thanks and goes and takes a shower. He’s 85, in good health and just doesn’t care as much anymore. Why my mother doesn’t tell him, I don’t know, and I’ve never had the problem with her.

16

Are you talking about hoarding?

17

That only works if the couple is capable of reliable clean up. If they’re elderly it may be a problem with having the physical stamina to keep up with things. If they can’t keep up then you either need a cleaning service, or you risk them losing their home.

(Fortunately, my parents had the sense to downsize from a house when they started to age, and currently dad is in a situation where he doesn’t need to do chores. He does them to help out when he feels up to it, but his participation is not essential)

18

I agree with all the people here who echo this sentiment. Being tactful is for friends, but situations where bluntness is called for is why family exists. “Dad, you smell really bad, and I don’t want to be around you. I won’t stay at your house, either, unless you get it cleaned up. Here are some cleaning services I’ve found.”

19

Some good thoughts here.

A couple more details that I didn’t mention in attempt to keep things simple. In fact, the smell seemed to be coming mostly from my SM. Both of them smelled pretty bad when they arrived, but a couple of days later, it seemed to be her that smelled and not him. Perhaps my dad picked up the smell just by virtue of sitting next to her on the flight? Or maybe his clothes picked up the ambient smell from their house? I didn’t mention this earlier as I didn’t want to single her out specifically.

The points about health are very interesting. As it happens, my SM (who is 55 and obese) is borderline diabetic and has thyroid issues. So I wonder if that might be the cause. She also is on antidepressants and had her gall bladder removed a couple years ago. It would be interesting to know more about the link. But in any case, you would think that if someone had a condition that caused body odor, that they would bathe more often, not less?

And if the problem is my SM, it seems that would make it harder to raise the issue, as it might seem I am picking on her? My SM has gotten a lot of shit from my family (they think that she is below my dad), and I have tried very hard to treat her as one of the family, and have largely succeeded. I would have to try very hard not to appear like one of the other family detractors.

Regarding the dirty house, as I said, I fear that there won’t be a simple fix. The place is so dirty that I cannot imagine that there is any amount of cleaning that they themselves could do that would be able to satisfy us.* And the smells are probably embedded in carpets, upholstery, etc. But I do like the idea of a cleaning service. If anyone can make a difference, I suppose it would be them. But again, would it be enough to make us want to stay there?

To answer another poster’s questions, they are both able bodied, but he works long hours and she is bone lazy.

  • I remember one time we visited there, the bathroom was so disgusting (thick brownscale in the toilet bowl, urine stains on the rim, hair and nail clippings all over the place etc) that my wife and I had to take turns coming up with excuses to go outside to pee in the bushes…
20

Cleaning services can do really amazing things. Look for one that advertises “Hopeless cases” or the like. Then pay for it. It won’t be cheap. But it might just manage to reset your folks enough to keep them socially acceptable. Or not, but it’s worth a try.

21

Wellbutrin made me have a distinctive odor. I don’t know if it was perceptible by anyone besides me, but I could definitely smell it.