Dear Dopers,
Since I see that a couple of recent advice questions have done well here, I thought I would throw my own in.
I am a 30 yo male whose parents divorced when I was 6. My father remarried 10 years ago, when I was already in college, so I never had much contact with my stepmother (actually to me she’s just “my father’s wife”). I have always gotten along well with my father, but our contact for most of my life has been inconsistent: we always mean to write/call but never made the time etc… Anyway, I don’t think this really bothered either of us that much in the past. The problem is mainly two-fold. First, my father’s wife wants very much for me and my brothers to like her, and is therefore continually “in our face”, calling us, sending emails, etc, much of this on her own, without my father. But I really don’t know her well and don’t have much in common with her. And when I do have contact with my father, she is always there – on the other line, in the room, reading (and responding to) his emails, etc. In short, I never have any private quality time with him – she is always in the middle. (my brothers feel this way too)
The second problem is more concerning. My father has never been well off, and a second income would definitely have made a difference in his quality of life. My stepmother used to work, but has had some psychological problems that have kept her from working for several years. So she stays at home all day, surfing the internet, bidding at Ebay (with his credit card), etc, while he supports her and her two kids. I would be entirely sympathetic to her condition (I’ve been through some things myself) if it weren’t due to the fact that whenever something FUN presents itself, she is ready to go: long weekends at the beach, family reunions across the country, vacations in Europe, etc. It definitely seems that she should be able to do something remunerative… But as a result, my father dresses in worn out clothes, cannot afford new glasses or a trip to the dentist, works like a dog, and doesn’t have any health insurance. He is approaching 60 now and we all fear what will happen when he really falls ill (of course we are all willing to help him financially should that happen).
So my question is: can I say anything to him? I feel that these problems center mostly around his wife, but I really don’t know if I have any right to tell him what I (and my brothers) feel. I know that I would be quite put off if someone in my family complained to me about my wife. But on the other hand, I have genuine concerns about how she not working could be affecting my father healthwise. I don’t know what to do. I love my father, and am otherwise OK with his wife. I want to improve things and to get these feelings off my chest, but I don’t want to risk alienating him.
So, wise Dopers, what do you think?!