My dad disapproves of me. Now there's a shock.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Nutshell view: My dad visits my sister, who only recently became the slightly-more-favored daughter (which means he visits once a year or so instead of never). He asks her if I have “gone back home” yet, meaning have I reconciled with my husband and conveniently ignoring the fact that I am, in fact, in my home with my four kids.
To her response that no, we haven’t reconciled and she really doesn’t know any details, he replies, “Well, she better be considering how she’s going to pay her bills.” This is Typical Dad.
Second question: am I working? (Ooh, you know this isn’t going to go well.) Well, replies Loyal Sis–no doubt cringing internally–yes, she is working. She delivers newspapers.
Hooboy! Daddy does NOT like this news. He takes the opportunity to mention that I have a [insert creative swearing] degree in education for God’s sake! I am wasting my [cs] time!

Now, let us forget for a moment that had he spoken to me in the last 15 months, he would know what’s going on in my life. He might have an inkling that my separation from my husband involves a little more than flightiness on my part. Let us also forget that the only reason he accepted my Korean-American husband in the first place was because I was already “saddled” with two children, and he didn’t figure anyone else would “have me.” And let us not even go into the whole issue of parents who subtly devalue girls simply because they are…well, girls.

Let us, instead, focus on the two things he is most concerned about. Or one, as it may be, since essentially, it all boils down to the cash:
First of all, I don’t have many bills. A big-assed ol’ house payment, maybe a hundred or so in other bills, utilities, groceries. That’s it. Considering that I know a hell of a lot of people–my father included–who have amassed huge credit card debt and gone into bankruptcy, I feel okay about where I am financially. I’ve done the math–even if my husband and I divorce, the kids and I will get by okay.
Second: Newsflash. I did not “waste” my degree. I got my degree–which, incidentally, I paid for myself–and I taught for TEN YEARS. Even if I hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t consider any education wasted. As far as my job, all I can say is it sure as hell beats working at WalMart. Perfect hours, no need for daycare, and you know what? Pretty darn good money, all things considered. Basically, twice minimum wage or so. So, as part-time jobs go–and part time is what I want right now, at least until the babies are in school–it’s pretty darn good.

So there you have it: a mild fuss, a bit of self-justification, and a tad of “doggonit, people like you” thrown in for good measure. Just needed to write it all down.

sigh

2

Glad to hear that dad keeps to himself. Now, if he’d only keep his opinions to himself, you’d be even better off!

Keep taking care of yourself and let him be miserable by himself.

3

Ya know, I hate it when folks act that way. I’m sorry he’s being a jerk to you. Perhaps as time goes by he will see that you are doing the best you can (darn good job too I might add).

{{{{bodypoet}}}}

4

I sowwy… I approve… does that help? :smiley:

5

In one ear and out the other, bodypoet. I wouldn’t let his comments bother you.

Perhaps you can ask your sister not to tell you what dad says when he comes to visit? What you don’t know won’t drive you up the wall.

6

Oooh, ivylass. I dunno. The curiosity would kill me. :smiley:
(There is good reason that my kids insist I’m the “nosiest mom in the world.”) Heh.

It’s okay…this is typical of my dad, unfortunately. When my unmarried sister had a baby through artificial insemination his first response was, “How do you know it’s not a [racial slur]?” She explained–with a saintly amount of patience, I thought–and he followed up with, “If you would get off your ass and find a Man you wouldn’t NEED to have a baby this way.”

Uh huh. That’s my pop.

7

Speaking from experience, ivylass, that’s easier said than done. It’s just plain hard not to have your parents’ attitudes towards you mean a fair amount.

Your life is hardly perfect, bodypoet, but whose is? You’re taking responsibility for your life, supporting and taking care of yourself and your kids…damned if I know why that can’t be enough, in his eyes. From here, it looks like you’re doing what you ought to be doing. In terms of dealing with your dad, I can only recommend prayer and/or whatever spiritual exercises bring you to a point of calm and centeredness. Good luck, and my prayers are with you.

8

Get him back.

Throw his newspaper in the bushes. :wink:

Makes me glad that my parents, although they bug the shit out of me, are basically good people who love me.

9

I know your parents’ opinion is important, but just because they are your parents doesn’t mean they’re perfect.

There’s no reason to put up with someone’s silliness just because they’re related. Sounds like your father’s a bit of a twit, to put it mildly, so you have to decide if you’re going to let him bother you.

10

BodyPoet, I’m so sorry that your father is this way.

But you’re not going into debt, you have left a situation that (for whatever reason) was bad for you, and you are making a life where you are happy.

And every day you are spending more time with your kids than working, because you feel it’s the right thing to do.

And every time you look at those sweet little faces you are raising to be good, responsible people you promise yourself you will never treat them the way your dad has treated you.

You are doing something far more important that sit at a desk everyday. Something your dad will never understand.

11

Alright, get you hinney back over to the comfort thread and get some love.
I have yet to get the “go home” speach since I think my dad could care less, but I did get the under-employeed baby factory speach. That one is a gem I’ll tell you!
You have taken a big step and let that negativity slide right off. I’m proud of you.
Remember you said you would be my cheerleader when the time came.

12

DeVena - What a wonderful post. I agree wholeheartedly.

bodypoet - Your Dad sounds like he has far deeper issues than just his relationship with his children.

13

Not that I agree with his questions, and I certainly don’t mean to mock your situation, but this really got me laughing. Something right out of a comedy skit. I know, too bad it really happened.

Perfect time for a :smack: .

14

Hang in there, BodyPoet. You know that you’re doing the right thing for yourself and your kids. Let his negativity slide off your back. If he can anger or hurt you he can control you. So at least never let him know he can do either.

My parents are the same way. I’m doing great but if I became queen of the world and won the Nobel prize my parents would still belittle me and try their best to make me feel like crap. There’s no pleasing them and it sounds like your dad is the exact same. Feel sorry for him - he’s a miserable ass. You, however, have your kids and they’ll know one day all that you went though for 'em.

So pat yourself on the back and be happy that you are who you are and get back to that comfort party!! You do throw the best virtual parties.