Ok, this is a long shot, but I’m not sure what else to do…
My 18yo brother is living with me (and my girlfriend, and my roomates… sheesh). We brought him up here with a two-fold purpose: to watch my kids during the day so I can sleep, since I work graves, and to hopefully teach him how to be a human being, and interact with other people.
My brother dropped out of school after years and years of spotty attendance. He’s bright, but lazy, and gets bored REALLY easy.
My problem is this… due to his upbringing, his physical hygeine is awful. Normally, if someone goes a week with no bathing, it’s not that bad… whiff, but not choking.
This is not the case with my brother. I love him dearly, but after more than 2 days he smells like a wet yak (or at least what I figure a wet yak would smell like…). I’ve spoken to him gently a few times after my roomies discussed it with me.
I spoke to him, with my girlfriend whom he respects/fears. What is the next step if this doesn’t work?
How long has this been going on? Are you at the point where you really can’t take it any longer? Does he have an actual reason for not bathing, or is it just that he doesn’t feel like it?
If you live by yourself, you can be as sloppy and smelly as you want; but in my opinion, if you’re living with others (and it sounds to me like you’re providing him the place to stay, not the other way around), you absolutely have to be respectful and practice at least minimal hygiene.
Tell him that he needs to bath every day or he can go find some similarly smelly people to live with. He really does need to understand that no one wants to be around someone who stinks and is dirty. His life is going to be really lonely doesn’t bathe.
Does he do anything during the day other then take care of your kids? It sounds like he is probably lazy and doesn’t see any good reason to bathe.
Seriously, teenage boys are about the hardest thing in the world to live with. He needs to be forced out of the house and into a real job. I know it is probably nice having him around to watch your kids but it really isn’t doing him any favors. He needs to have a real job with a real boss who will fire him if he stinks and dock his pay if he is late. He needs to be paying you rent and taking care of some of his own living expenses. He needs to learn responsibility develop a work ethic. This will not happen if he is only his brother’s babysitter.
It is nice of you to want to help him. I hope that it works out.
1- If he’s not there taking care of my kids, I can’t work. Sad, but true.
2- Part of the problem is laziness, part of it is upbringing. Mom never really inforced personal cleanliness with us, at all. I would go from the end of school to the beginning of school with no bath, no hair-cut, and no hair-care.
3- I would like him to look at an evening job, but with no diploma, no license, and debilitating foot problems (any standing for more than a few minutes starts to hurt him. Flat feet and that one condition where you walk on your toes… I can’t remember the name). We’re working on the license, and planning for the GED in spring. But I don’t know… he really pretty much stopped school at 13 or so.
the alpha male of our house really likes him, but has stated he will put him in the garage if he can’t learn to be clean.
He can’t stand for more then a few minutes? How does he chase around your kids during the day? Does he have a wheel chair or does a cane help?
Perhaps he can get a job as a telemarketer (gasp!) or something like that? He needs to figure out something he can do and he needs to do it soon. Unless you are going to support him forever?
I really don’t think that the personal cleanliness will get better until he has a reason to be clean. That could be a job or a girlfriend. Something that takes him out of the house and around other people every day.
I went through this recently & I told the person that they have an odor & they simply took the hint & washed their clothes. (It was probably a lucky pair of pants that they didn’t want to clean
What does he say when confronted about this? Does he refuse to shower? Or does he say “OK, I will” and then not follow through? If it the former, then you need to find another childcare solution and he needs to get out. If it’s the latter, then he sounds like he could use a few rounds with a counselor that may be able to pinpoint what’s up with the “bright, but lazy” thing.
I would make it a condition of his living there that he MUST bathe every day. That is very little ask of someone living in your home.
Also, why not help him look for a job that doesnt’ require standing? I know that sounds impossible, but they’re out there. If his feet are that bad he should be seeking medical attention or disability benefits if he cannot work.
Feet issues- I’m talking to my mom about it, to get more details. He does alright chasing the kids, as they are fairly well behaved (even the Crazy Daughter, when medicated). And they respond well to verbal commands these days, when given by my brother or my girl (I, however, am ignorable…). It varies, some days they bother him more, some days almost not at all… it’s odd.
Showering- when confronted with the showering discussion, he usually replies with a blush and a “Oh, sorry… I’ll do that tonite.” Sometimes he does, usually he forgets again. It’s frustrating.
And I’ll repeat, due to my work, there really is no other viable child care option. He’s free, mostly… we feed him, and keep him in smokes and soda. We’ve been slowly replacing his wardrobe, so that’s getting better, but it’s just the BATHING thing that’s driving us nuts.
Thanks all for the advice and support. and that Child of Filth thread killed me.
