My Neighbor, let’s call him Don, is convinced that gays are evil and that he’s never actually met one. He says he would know if he ever met one because he can ‘just tell’ but that he never has.
Now, his son and mine are in a class together with a teacher who is gay. The teacher, Mr. S., has never announced this fact, but if you keep your eyes open, it’s not terribly hidden either. For example, he has an article on the classroom wall that was printed in the local newspaper this summer about Mr. S and his long time partner Dave’s fabulous house. It was in the style section and it was just about how uniquely it’s decorated.
Now Don really respects Mr. S and thinks he is a great teacher (he is). I don’t want to ‘out’ Mr. S against his will, but he has a rainbow flag on the car he drives to school and one of those ‘equal’ stickers on the case he carries the school papers in, so he’s not exactly deep in the closet. But I also don’t want to cause any trouble for Mr.S, and a know a gay male teacher of 4th graders could have some issues come up.
Should I mention to Don that Mr. S is gay? The only thing I would accomplish is to show Don that gays are normal guys. That this man who he respects and his son looks up to is gay, and is not evil or immoral.
Assuming you’re in the US, trap shut. You won’t change the neighbor’s mind, and the possible downside is the teacher loses his job.
You must be in a fairly liberal area of the country for an openly gay man to even be allowed to teach elementary kids (heck, in some places it’s tough for a man, period, to teach kids) – don’t make it harder for him, which is all this is going to do.
No, don’t tell. Don’s current ignorance is probably better than the potential reaction you could get if you tell him one is teaching his kid. People who think gays are evil either believe they will try to convert their child or just molest him or both and you won’t be able to convince him otherwise. There is also a possibility you could cause a lot of trouble for the teacher if Don goes overboard in his reaction.
It doesn’t sound like you’d be outing Mr. S., but at the same time, it does sound as if Don might be working hard at willful ignorance. If you rip off his blinders and force him to confront the obvious, which is more likely: trouble for Mr. S. or a change of heart for Don? I think I’d keep my trap shut.
I would say there is probably a lot of discussion that should occur to disabuse Mr. Neighbor about what a gay person is and what they isn’t in the hypothetical before introducing a specific person into the dialog. I would also suspect that the OP is not really interested in taking on a project of this magnitude.
But, if one must - then one must. Wait until the kid is a couple years out of elementary school. Then the reaction will not be focused on a perceived immediate threat. Instead it can be used as instructive - see, your kid was in the class all year and didn’t get attacked even once!
If you tell the neighbor, you have not helped either of the kids in any way, will likely upset the neighbor, and may cause unnecessary problems for the teacher. Only possible benefit is you get to go “nyah-nyah” to the neighbor. That’s not worth it. Trap shut.
I completely understand your impulse here. What you want is to induce an epiphany in Don; to make him say, “Wow! I like that guy, and he’s gay! I guess I like gays after all!”
But what will (probably) actually happen is he will say, “Wow! I thought I liked that guy, but he’s gay! Now, I can never look at him in the same way again! And I hate gays even more because they’re so goddamned sneaky, with their little rainbow flags and secret code bumper stickers.”
If it were, say, a celebrity or sports player with whom he had no personal interaction, I’d probably say go for it, since the worst that can happen is he’ll stop being a fan. But since it’s someone whose life could be potentially damaged by Don, I say no.
And besides, in a way, he’s actually got a better attitude toward gays now, thinking he’s never met one. That means that he’s treated all the gay people he *has *met with the respect he would show a straight person. If you make him aware that his gaydar is not all he cracks it up to be, he may start noticing gay people (and people he mistakes for gay) and being abusive toward them.
What Oakminster said. I can’t see any wonderful outcome from this, but there’s a pretty good chance you’d cause trouble and annoyance for Mr. S. (Not because the school will be surprised to find they employ a gay man; I’m sure they know perfectly well already.)
Oh, please don’t say anything. Leave well enough alone. Mr. Narrowminded isn’t likely to change his mind, and you risk losing a good teacher to biogtry.
If you feel absolutely driven to do something, then the logical choice is to tell Mr. S about the situation, and he can decide whether and how he wants to take it from there. If he wants to confront your neighbor about it, it’s his business, and his decision.
I know it’s not your intent, but it seems awfully like if you did tell your neighbor, you’d be doing something along the lines of, “See! I knew you liked gays!” Sort of like putting chicken stock in a vegetarian’s food and only telling them about it later.
I would leave well enough alone. I’m sure that Mr. S just wants to live his life with his partner. And people as vocally opposed to any group as your neighbor are bound to develop selective amnesia if they find out someone from a group they hate is in their midst.
OK, the majority seems to think Mr. S could only be harmed and Don wouldn’t be enlightened. And Mr. S is a truly wonderful teacher and he’s inspired the kids so much, I would never do anything to endanger him.
Good on you. Didn’t see this earlier, but I’d like to add on to the “please don’t” tally. Mr. S’ sexuality is nobody’s business but his own (even if he’s this open about it) and under most circumstances it is not your place to discuss it with a third party who is currently unaware of it. Mr. S can out himself to Don when the time and place is right. That may not force Don to reconsider his bigotry, but at least Mr.S will be in control of his end of the equation and there’s no risk of being potentially blindsided by a raging homophobe who found out from someone else.