Do men really desire smart women?

In My Humble Opinion
41

Allow me to join the chorus of guys who get turned on by smart women. Sometimes we’ll be watching a movie or reading a book together, and there’ll be a reference I don’t quite get, and I can ask her, “Hold on – was it Richard the III that Shakespeare wrote the play about?” and she can give me a capsule lesson in the various Richards and their relationships with modern royalty, and it makes me fall in love with her all over again.

I’ve never had the displeasure of dating a dumb chick. My brother and my father have both dated real cretins, and I’d want to shake them. What the hell is wrong with guys who want to be with stupid women?

I myself spent my entire college career miserably single (with a few one-night-long exceptions). And a couple of times I wondered if I was being too nice: maybe if I became more aggressive, more leering, more swaggering, I could end my chronic celibacy.

Ultimately, though, I figured that I wouldn’t like who I was if I did the things that might get me in bed with some random woman. And I wouldn’t want to be in bed with a woman who needed those changes in me.

Good luck!
Daniel

42

I like brainy chicks. One of the sexiest women I know is a short little gal who’s not known for beauty or curves, and whose I.Q. blows most men away – but I think she’s glorious.

43

The fact is, if a man “prefers” less-than-intelligent women, you’d probably want to steer clear since that’s a direct indication that he has self-confidence problems. If you get involved you’d have to constantly feed his machismo. Who’s got the time?

But, have caution, Auntie Em was right, having inteligence is a far cry from not being able to shut her yap (as they say). Most men like to talk but, not too much. We like to anylize things but, not too much. Ask questions but, not too much.

Simple.:smiley:

44

I think there are many possibilities. I think they’ve all been somewhat explored already, but i’ll do my best to contribute.

  1. You could be an intellectual snob. I have many friends that have this problem, and i have a bit too. You answer questions that were never asked, and with looong answers explaining this and that, which can appear like you’re showing off or simply bore them. Or both.

  2. You intimidate them with your intelligence or merits. Nacho4Sara has already explored this angle. I’m mentioning it again for the hell of it. :smiley: Many men are insecure and would feel funny dating someone who was smarter, paid better, or better looking than them. And that’s if they don’t fear getting rejected.

  3. Something completely different. Like Manda JO said, maybe there’s something else wrong with you (pardon the phrasing) and you’re falsely attributing your lack of success in the dating world to your intelligence. I don’t know you well enough to say what it might be.

And to answer the actual question that was asked (sorry for giving a loooong answer to a question that was never really asked :D), I am more than attracted to intelligent women. Someone to have a deep conversation with and have se… I mean do relationship exclusive activities with? That would be wonderful.

45

One of the things that drove me crazy about my ex-gf sometimes was that though she could troubleshoot various complicated accounting software systems, if I tried to explain anything that she wasn’t totally interested in, she would space on me and not understand my explanation. This happened more than once, and I got the blame, even though many of my former students have complimented me on my ability to explain things clearly and in order. I never had this complaint from anyone else.

It was pretty bad. I couldn’t even get across the concept that there were three sizes of socket drives, including a 3/8 inch drive, but you could also have a 3/8 inch socket, or pretty much any other size on a 3/8 drive. Despite the fact that we were in the process of buying tools for her, and I was able to point to the physical items at the time, she simply could not pay enough attention to get it.

Conclusion: Be smart and be interesting, and keep on getting out there to find the type you want.

The other thing I really learned from that relationship is NEVER date someone you’re not honestly interested in. You’re just wasting your time and breaking their heart. So don’t act any dumber than you are, or you’ll just get yourself into a situation that you really regret later.

46

OF COURSE Men want smart women. But they want smart women like we see as the heroines in movies: “Smart” as in with a quick wit who’ll always be able to get us out of a jam if we need it. “Smart” as in she won’t talk to us about a bunch of boring everyday stuff but about a lot of interesting… um… smart stuff!

But also and most importantly, “smart” as in great body.

But I have to say non-native is on the right track when he says you may be percieving the situation wrong. Consider:

  1. You could be quite obnoxious or otherwise unpleasant to be around and you might just write it off as they’re not smart like you, so they don’t like you.

  2. You’re subconsiously seeking out stupid men.

  3. You’re just not good at picking up men for some reason (maybe you’re unattracive? j/k ), and you are stuck in some kind of bizarro “friend zone” where females end up being one-way friends instead of us guys.

47

Hmmmm… interesting topic. Intelligent women (or people for that matter) are often smart/stupid and your question borders on that precipice. I’ve dated women who were very intelligent in discussing science, philosophy, art etc. etc. and were engaging and stimulating conversationalists but did not have a clue, from a common sense perspective, how to conduct themselves interpersonally in initiating or maintaining positive and emotionally healthy relationships.

Conversely, I’ve seen women who were not terribly bright or even overwhelmingly attractive have the world at their feet, and have their pick of intelligent and successful male suitors because they knew the subtleties of getting along with people and making them feel important.

I probably would not have said this 20 years ago, but I’m 43 and I have seen enough of life and relationships that at this point I probably would sacrifice a few IQ points in a prospective significant other in exchange for some common sense about getting along with people. Maybe one day I’ll get lucky and find both.

48

Some really great points made by **auntie em, astro, MandyJo **and others. It’s probably not your brain that is the problem. I have a dear friend who is an expert at getting men to gravitate to her. While she is smart and funny, she is not a great intellect or a great beauty. She just has that indefineable something that makes men feel happy and comfortable in her presence…and she doesn’t flirt to accomplish this. If you have a friend like this…study her. Watch the body language, the questions she asks.

49

Well, Manda JO, non-native, etc.:

Maybe brainychick is not just ASSUMING that it’s her brains, and maybe she’s not just deluding herself into thinking she’s too smart when actually it’s something else disgusting.

Maybe she’s been TOLD she’s too smart. Over and over again.

Here are just a few of the things I’ve been told to my face over the last twenty-five or so years:

“I really thought about taking you out again, but you were just too smart for me.” (This from one of the few men I considered an intellectual equal.)

“Mike really liked you, but said he felt uncomfortable with your intelligence. He suggested maybe you’d get more guys if you’d play dumb. Especially since you’re blonde and have big tits.”

“You’re really cute. But I think maybe you’re too smart for your own good. I feel like you can see right through all my bullshit.”

Shrew, I was in a very similar situation, only the guy was single when I met him. While he was still involved with me he married his dimwit ex-girlfriend (we were by then living in different cities which is how he got away with it) but after ten years, was still pursuing me because “she’s boring; she does nothing but sit around and watch Oprah all day; you’re the only woman I dated who actually took the daily paper AND read it; you’re the only woman I know who installs her own ceiling fans, all the women I know don’t even know how to change a light bulb; you’re the only woman I know who doesn’t live to shop; she’s so VAPID” ad nauseum. He doesn’t seem to understand the concept of lying in the bed he made. Of course, your situation and mine just reinforce my belief that even if, IF men truly desire intelligent women, they still gravitate toward the dolts.

To the rest of you men who claim to prefer smart women: where were all of you when I was still young and slim? Alas, why couldn’t Al invent the internet way back then?

50

I don’t know how old you are, Brainychick, but I’m 35, and I remember making a conscious decision when I was about 16 to be as bright as I am, and not to try to hide it to fit in better or be more popular with the fellas. I didn’t always have dates on Saturdays, but I never sold myself out, and now I’m engaged to a guy who is just as bright as I am, and who had no time for dumb girls that didn’t challenge him.

51

Actually, I agree with this. No irony or nastiness intended. Intelligence, in my opinion, is knowing how to get what you want in any given situation, and taking the necessary steps to make it happen. It’s all about making connections and thinking ahead. If you can get a guy to notice you or go out with you and make him think it’s his idea, that’s the smarts!

52

Lorienda: I have somewhat considered that possibility. But would you really want to date someone who’s not secure enough to date someone he might think is smarter than him? He would be like a problem that solves itself by dumping you.

Now if that wasn’t the case, what the hell would be the problem? But maybe they’re just sugar-coating what they really think. I mean what kind of piss poor excuse is that to dump someone? “You’re too smart?” Jeez, that’s like saying “i’m too stupid and insecure”.
OK, just for the sake of it, here’s another possible situation. No offense to you in anyway (i have no idea what you’re like), but i know someone who says she has similar problems as you two, and although she is moderately intelligent (but not as smart as she thinks she is), she’s also an arrogant bitch. She points out things that most other people don’t out of decency, and thinks she’s the only person that noticed because of her intelligence. The problem with her is that she thinks she’s smarter than everyone, so if i ever (god forbid) went out with her i might say “you’re too smart for me” just to humor her, or get her really confused. But that’s an unlikely situation.

I should’ve mentioned in my last post, I’m attracted to smart and modest women (not to say you’re not modest. I don’t know you).

53

Well, Lorinada, us Dopers are a select group, and just because we like smart SO’s doesn’t mean the rest of the population does. Of course, the rest of the population ain’t as smart as us, either :slight_smile: What I’m trying to say here (without sounding too egotistical): smart people are attracted to smart people. And smart people are not the majority of society, unfortunately. It may be difficult to find a really smart guy, brainychick, just like it might be difficult to find a guy interested in Welsh haikus or naked skydiving or whatever other interesting personality trait you might have. But if you can’t find a guy that likes you for you, it’s certainly not worth it to get an inferior substitute just so you can have someone. Hang in there.

54

My friend Debi (Yes, with an “i” that she sometimes dots with a smiley) observed “Cyn, you know how to hook them, but you don’t know how to reel them in.”
Huh?
I STILL don’t know what she means!
Smart girls don’t know everything and the world’s a big place. I used to grouse about men liking my look more than my intelligence and not even wanting to know my complex thoughts and emotions. Dating is hard no matter how smart you are. I dated a real cutie who was thrilled, in a general way, about how smart I was. He dumped me before I could decide if the pleasure of looking at him out-weighed the fact that he’d never read a book. ( He wanted kids and I’ve been surgically altered. )

55

[sub]Forgive me, lord, for I am about to quote Hollywood as though it makes any sense in real life.[/sub]

Ahem. Anybody see Bull Durham? Kevin Costner’s character, the older and wiser team member, is talking about how good life is in the big leagues. Among other things, he says “… the women all have long legs and brains.” Even in Hollywood, smart = sexy (sometimes).

Male idiots aren’t good partners, and neither are female idiots.

56

If Jimmy Buffett writes a song about intelligent women being desireable, then you know its just gotta be true.

"I’m looking for a smart woman in a real short skirt

57

And to finish my post (darn, stoopid Tab/Enter keys)

“A smart woman who knows how to flirt
A smart woman, gotta mind of her own
A smart woman that’ll take me home”

But I’m just a big, dumb Parrothead so what do I know?

58

Just another smart woman lovin’ guy checking in!
I read voraciously, almost a book a day and I remember vividly hearing a new coworker say “I have never read a book that wasn’t a school assignment” Now she was kinda cute but hearing that (along with other memorably vacuous quotes) just killed it for me.ewwwwww

Sigh, smart women make me all tingly:)

59

Uh, Hi. My name is Whistlepig and I don’t particularly desire smart women.

I guess it started when I was a kid. I grew up around smart women, so I didn’t know there was any other kind. But when we got cable TV, I found that there was a type of woman who wasn’t smart. They called her a bimbo. She didn’t wear much clothing and even through the TV you could tell she smelled real nice. I found that I didn’t even care about books when I was looking at her.

Then when I got older, I got hooked on white trash. Yeah, the hard stuff. Chain smoking blondes in tight jeans and shirts that you could see their bra hanging out. They drank cheap wine and didn’t even care about school. If they read any books, they got them at the supermarket and the books always had a woman with cleavage or a guy without a shirt on the front. These women weren’t book smart, but they were a lot of fun and know how the world really works.

I’d read my books, they’d read their books, then we’d make up a big batch of gin and tonics and they’d show me what they bought at Fredericks of Hollywood. It beat the heck out of my grad school study groups or going to the opera with some woman who bought her underwear at the Granny’s Big White Cotton Panties store.

Yeah, I tried to go “smart”. I really did. But the thing is, I have to be smart at work, so when I’m not working, I pretty much like to be “not smart”. And the smart women never understood that. I’d be sitting on the couch and go, “Honey, Married with Children is on.” and the smart woman would be all like, “Ew - that show reinforces negative female sterotypes. Let’s watch the show where old white guys talk about politics.” And I’d be like, “But honey, that stuff is boring and it doesn’t solve anything.” And then she’d say, “Don’t you want to know what’s going on in the world?” And I’d say, “Well, I read three online newspapers today, including the New York Times. And I’m reading the Wall Street Journal right now.” And the smart woman would say, “I don’t see how you can read the WSJ and watch Married with Children at the same time without having your head explode.”

And we’d have to watch the old white guys or she’d be sitting there making little noises and stuff while Peg Bundy was talking and then she’d start talking about how stupid the show was and what fun is that?

But with the “not smart” woman, I’d say, “Honey, Married with Children is on!” and she’d say, “Cool! Is this the one where Kelly burns the school down? I love that episode. Do you want a beer?”

So, I have come to accept that I desire “not smart” women. I still enjoy the pleasure and company of smart women, but when it comes to my love life, I’ll take bimbos over brains any day of the week. The bimbos are just more fun.

YMMV,

Whistlepig

60

Bless you, Whistlepig! :smiley: