I just have to share this story, because it certainly relates, and maybe it will give you hope, brainychick.
My last great, awesome, incredibly smart and attractive, poetry-writing, amazing-in-bed boyfriend was a good friend for about a year before we started dating; we were together for six months total, and he’s the only person I’ve ever met that I could see myself marrying. Alas, he broke up with me in December.
Anyway, the first semester we were friends at school, I thought he was cute, sure, but he answered questions in class so brilliantly that I grinned everytime he raised his hand (English questions, no less!). We had this small bet going about who would do better in our Shakespeare class. I missed an A by a point with an 89; he scored a 91 and won the bet, which completely turned me on. We both read the paper everyday (I liked the NY Times, he preferred the Post). We debated current events. The issue I get most crazy about (and that I want to help with in my lifetime) is AIDS in Africa. He got pissy about Bush a lot.
We ended up going out to a reggae show one Sunday night in June. It started friendly, but alcohol was involved and soon we ended up getting pretty cozy on a sofa. I was thinking, is he going to kiss me? Will he make the move? Should I make a move? He asked me what I was thinking about at that very moment.
I said something along the lines of, “I really wish the US would forgive Africa’s debt so they can focus their economy on building an infrastructure to treat AIDS patients.” And then he leaned over and kissed me, and the rest was history. He told me later on that that particular answer won him over, and I don’t doubt it.
I think you should find some different gal-pals as the one’s you have are not giving you very good advice. They are suggesting that you become someone you are not to somehow become more attractive to the opposite sex.
For the record, I find intelligence to be damn sexy.
My better half is jaw droppingly gorgeous (IMHO) and that wouldn’t mean one whit if she wasn’t also one of the most intelligent people I have ever met.
She says she only stays with me because I have a great butt… she’s kidding of course.
Intellect is not a turn-off. Men who are not your intellectual equals is a turn-off. I think it’s because you’re getting bored, and they are turned off by your boredom.
And if a man expects you to be less brainy than he is, just because you’re a woman, RUN!
I’m with auntie em on finding new girlfriends btw.
The short answer to the question is: of course not. Individuals generally prefer to mate with others like them. Hence men prefer women of about their intelligence, and vice versa.
The essential problem is just that, if she is indeed smarter than her friends, the OP has a much smaller pool of similar men to work with. Human intelligence is extremely tightly clustered around the mean of 100 (on an IQ scale). The standard deviation is only 15.
If the OP can get a college degree, which implies an IQ of about 115, then only 16% of the adult male population has similar or higher IQ. If she can get a Ph.D. degree, which implies an IQ of about 130, only about 2% of the adult male population is at her level. Now multiply by the fraction that are within 5 years of her age (15%) and unmarried (depends on the age), and before we even get into the question of how many are compatible with her interests, personality, etc., one can see the available pool is discouragingly small.
If she is unfortunate enough to have an IQ of 150 – I know people like this – then there are probably less than 10,000 men of her intelligence and around her age in the entire United States. That’s a very small pool, and her chances of dating and marriage success are a priori very poor.
Not that I entirely agree with you, Whistlepig, but I would like to share an anecdote that sort of supports your theory. This past Christmas, I met a woman who was visiting a friend of mine. Due to the influence of alcohol, she got quite chatty. The talk turned to romance, so I asked her about her marriage, whether she was happy, what would she have done differently, blah blah blah. She got really serious, and I could see the tears welling up in her eyes. She said, “I’d marry someone a hell of a lot less intelligent. I loved my husband when I married him, and I respected his intelligence. Hell, it’s why I married him. But he bores me to fucking tears. Honestly, Shrew, don’t ever get married, but if you do, marry someone you can just sit around and have a beer with, somebody you can shoot the shit with. Otherwise, you’ll wind up hating him.”
I thought it was pretty good advice.
A person, even of the highest intelligence, needs a good dose of humor and spontaneity. I like smart boys, but I’ll take a fun boy with a heart of gold instead if the situation is right. I’m smart on my own. I don’t really need him to be just like me.
So, what you’re saying is that only 16% of males of the OP’s age have a college degree? I doubt that. And I would also doubt that “having a Ph.D” is a sure-fire sign of high IQ. You should meet my boss some day :rolleyes:
I’m not going to add my name to the chorus of “I like smart women too!” Not because I don’t. My ex-wife had a D.Phil in Scandinavian Languages, my previous girlfriend had a Ph.D in English Literature (OK, there I go equating higher degrees with intelligence myself…savour the irony). Intelligence is just one aspect of what attracts me to certain women, not the only factor.
Instead, I will turn this question on its head. Do women really desire smart men?
In bed or as a co-breadwinner? Like men, many women often have huge double standards when it comes to who they want to sleep and flirt with vs who they want bringing home the bacon. Overall, the cohort of women who potentially want to bear children into a relationship at some point in the future, select more for intelligence as a compatiblity factor than men do because of it’s direct linkage to the man’s ability (in most cases) to deliver resources into the relationship, whether or not this is overtly acknowledged. Having someone interesting to talk to is also a bonus.
A general, qualified “yes” in real world terms. More intelligence is certainly more desirable than less intelligence when it comes to selecting partners, but only to the extent you can get along with them.
Okay, what’s up with the equation book reading = smart? I don’t care how many books a person reads, what I do care about is whether or not they can think. I like women that are creative, can figure things out, and think outside of the box. If your just intelligent and not particularly resourceful, I would probably not be interested in you, well, okay, if you had good looks and were great in bed to boot it would be taken into consideration.
Being an older dame with a Ph.D, I’ve had a couple of guys break off dates with me after learning I had a doctorate. This happened when I was younger and perhaps there was an age-insecurity issue going on. I was baffled by it, but then again, there are guys that won’t ask me out because my looks or personality aren’t what they find attractive. shrugs Different strokes. I’ve got my own set of standards (longhair, loves job, is passionate about something), one of which I’ve broken much more easily as I’ve gotten older.
Sure. Or not. As long as the guy treats me with love and respect and we have a good time together. Not all conversations with me have to revolve around emerging infectious diseases or Original Sin and immunologically-naive populations.
If he wants a conversation about whether Bruce Lee can outfight a bear, I’m game.
Ultimately, it’s kind of a no-brainer of a question. Obviously some women desire smart men; some men desire smart women; some women desire smart women; some men desire smart men; some men desire dolphins.
It’s a bizarre thing that a man would break off a date on finding out that she had a Ph.D., but I wonder if he’d do it partly out of preemptive rejection.
Many men perceive that women want to “date up”: they want to date someone who earns more than them, who’s older than them, who’s more educated than them. Whether this perception is accurate is irrelevant. A man who thinks this is true and who finds himself on a date with a woman more educated/wealthy/aged than himself may figure that she can’t possibly respect a dumb/poor/young schmuck like himself, so he might end things early to spare his own feelings.
Personally, I think the idea of dating up is kinda gross, for either a man or a woman. Even grosser is the idea of dating down: my father, for example, dumped his brilliant, witty, successful girlfriend for an imbecile who can’t hold a job to save her life and who once remarked to me, “I don’t know why everyone thinks Einstein was so smart. All he ever did was that one thing.” Eww.
Daniel
Frankly I don’t much care one way or the other. I’d much rather have a well rounded person than someone who is simply brainy, 10 times out of 10.
Intelligence shouldn’t be your major selling point. I don’t say this as a judgement because I don’t even know you…but if intelligence IS your major selling point, I’d advise you to work on other aspects rather than focusing simply on that one.
I’m also confused about book reading =smart. My husband is very intelligent but he doesn’t read much. He is resourceful as hell and very good at problem solving. I would be bored out of my mind with a stupid man.
In the same way, I’m intelligent and I do read at least one book a week but we’re smart in different ways. We’re very happy together but I know men who are astonished that my hubby is happy with a woman as smart as (or smarter than) him.
I also am confused as to why “intelligent” people can’t sit around have a beer. Talking about lofty subjects all the time sounds kinda pretentious to me-they can be interesting but they’re not my *only * interest.
Take the above with a bucket of salt though since we’re both techies so we’re already kinda weird
I’m all about intelligent women. One thing I could never handle was being in a relationship with someone who couldn’t carry on a conversation about… well… anything besides what was on TV last night or what happened at work. Not that every conversation has to be about the effects of French Impressionism on modern art or something, but it’s nice to be able to talk about a film, current events, whatever.
If you ever decide for sure if you’re from Chicago you’ll have to attend a ChiDope sometime
I would like to add one more comment to the pile about intelligence per se not being the problem.
I don’t know anything about the OP, of course, so this is not an accusation. But… you do have to ask yourself if your braininess makes you too intense, too humorless, too hyper-analytical. I know plenty of men who love brilliant women, but they love the ones who are easygoing and fun. The ones who don’t hit you over the head with their smarts, but rather let you see their intelligent side in lots of spontaneous ways (such as offhand comments). People who flaunt their intelligence, insist on analyzing everything, and are tight little balls of hyperintellectual angst are simply a drag to be around.
Not to sound mean, but I agree with Turpentine that your chosen Dopername sent up a red flag for me. Unless it’s sort of a joke, as in, brainy, but also using the term “chick” which some humorless intelligent broads would be offended by.
Hey, Lorinada. I hear you. I’m no great genius, but I have had dates tell me, “Gee, you’re so…SMART!” Or, “Boy, if you went to college, you must be really SMART!” My mother asked me, “what’s wrong with that? Isn’t ‘smart’ a good thing?” I said, “yeah, Mom, but ‘smart’ compared to my date is NOT a good thing at all.”
Stick to your guns. I married an engineer, just like the ones in all the jokes. It is very cool to have a smart husband. Wouldn’t you be bored to death with someone who is intimidated by your mind??
Intelligence not only is a nebulous concept, there are also many kinds of intelligence, so to speak. How do you define your own intelligence?
This can be a problem. Men who are attracted to intelligent women tend not to think of interesting ways to approach women. They are more interested in your mind instead of all this window dressing.
BTW I don’t see why don’t you approach men whom you found attractive.
