Do parents who have more than one child have a ‘favorite’ child? Let’s say a woman has 3 children- are we supposed to believe that she divides her love and affection equally, giving each child exactly 33.33333%??
And if they do have a favorite, how is he or she selected? By birth order? By similarity to the parent?? By gender???
Thanks.
I swore I wouldn’t do this, but to hell with it anyway!
Love is not a finite commodity that you divide up among the recipients. It is wholly possible to love each child 100%.
Use sight as an anology. You look in a direction, and you see everything in your field of vision. You don’t look at the mountian 10%, the trees 20%, the nakid vollyball game played by Playboy Playmates 30%, the white car 10%, the caveman rapist 10% and the clouds 20%. You see it all, each part in it entirety, at least if you are anywhere near normal.
think about it…
(by the way, I was my parent’s favorite 
)
Growing up (I had one sister), I always used to wonder how parents could not have a favorite. For example, I had a favorite aunt. That didn’t mean I didn’t love my other aunts, but I had one that was my favorite, for reasons of my own. Likewise, I had a favorite cousin, etc. So, I wondered to myself, how could parents not have a favorite? I didn’t for one second think that my parents didn’t love me or my sister and, in fact, it never really bothered me one way or the other whether they loved me more or my sister. But, I figured, one of us had to be the favorite.
Now that I am the father of three, I understand a little better, and will try to give you an insight. I have three children, Avraham (male, 8), Chaim (male, 6) and Tzivya (female, 5).
Avraham is my favorite child. He is my favorite because he is sharp as a tack. He’s extremely intelligent and I draw intense pride from his intelligence and the way he utilizes it. This is the kid who, at age five, on his own, explained to his kindergarten teachers what the trachea and esophogus were (my wife witnessed that exchange). When he brings home notes from his teachers saying that he is doing excellently, I have such nachas from him that I practically kvell. Another reason that Avraham is my favorite is because of his intense interest in animals and will spend every spare moment he has either reading about animals or playing Microsoft’s Zoo Tycoon on the computer. To him, a trip to the zoo isn’t just an outing, it’s an adventure.
Chaim is my favorite child. Chaim is my favorite child because of his sensitivity and intelligence. Chaim is more sensitive to the feelings of others than any other child I know. He will voluntarily give up his toys to other children, if keeping them will make them unhappy. He always has everyone’s best interests at heart. He’s the kid that if someone gave him two lollipops, he’d probably give them to his brother and sister. Chaim is also my favorite because of his intelligence. If you thought Avraham was smart, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Chaim taught himself to read at age three. Since he was yet a toddler, he always had a fascination with letters and numbers and could identify capital, lowercase and Hebrew letters at an extremely early age. Chaim is my favorite because he is a natural teacher. He will sit down with his sister and try to teach her to read. If he’s reading a book to her, he will stop and explain concepts he feels she might not understand.
Tzivya is my favorite. Tzivya is my favorite because of her sweetness, her grace and her smile. Tzivya’s smile could make your heart melt (true, I’m a bit biased on the matter…). Tzivya is my favorite because she is so fun. I can tease her, as a father, in ways that I cannot do with my boys. A long-running joke in my house is that we are going to change her name to “Hossenpfeffer.” She loves it when I play these games with her. I can tell her that I found a quarter behind her ear while we are waiting for her school bus. I can’t do that with my boys. Tzivya is my favorite because she is a joy to be around.
So, to sum it all up, all of my kids are my favorites, for different reasons. And I now understand the answer to the question that I had throughout my childhood.
Zev Steinhardt
Lovely answer, Zev.
StG
After the realization that you’d die for any of them, it gets hard to rank them.
That made me cry Zev.
I hope you print that out and show it to your children when they are adults.
Zev, are you a buddist?
clap clap clap clap
As a man with three children too, Zev, you said that better than I could. Thanks!
-B
Sniff Great post, Zev. Will you adopt me? 
I am NOT a parent, but I know that my mother once told my sister that a parent can’t help having a favorite child. Granted, it was in the context of her brother (my uncle) and his relationship with his children (my mother had made an offhand comment about one of my cousin’s being the uncle’s “favorite”, and my sister pursued the topic), but my mother (who had 4 kids) was not excluding herself from the statement…
And knowing my sister’s personality (bitter about a perceived lack of love and attention), I don’t know that my mother would have made such a comment to her unless she was the “favorite”. In other words, she would NEVVVAH have said, “Every parent has a favorite… and you’re NOT mine!” to this particular sister. (Well, OK, I don’t think she’d have worded it that way to ANY of us, but this particular sister is such a loose cannon that I don’t think my mom would have even made a generalized “favorite child” comment to this gal, unless she was it.)
Have I ever felt unloved by my parents for even a milisecond of my life? No. Do I have any doubts that they would take a bullet for me? No. Do I care that my sister is the “favorite”? No, because I am much cuter than she is (and besides, I was my father’s favorite).
And I realize that this hardly counts, but now that I’ve adopted CornPone (my 10-month-old puppy), I have to say that she is my favorite (although I adore both of them utterly). I don’t think it’s a novelty issue… I really do think it’s about personality. She seems to love me more than Ezra (who is 2 years old) does–for example, she comes running to ME when I walk in the front door after work, while Ezra immediately runs to the BACK door to be let out, without so much as a “What’s up, Mama?”–and it’s endearing to me. However, if it’s possible, I think my affection for CornPone has somehow made me love Ezra even more than I did when she was an “only dog”!
I don’t have any theories on that yet, except that the two of them are so cute together, what’s not to adore?
Yes, they sometimes do have favorites. They may not be aware that they favor one child over another, but it does happen.
One child could’ve been a planned celebration of a new marriage, then seven years later, the mother now in her mid forties decides that there’s no need to practice birth control. Surprise! she gets pregnant. The marriage isn’t great, and with mom in her forties and dad in his fifties, they don’t want to be bothered with a baby, plus they already have the most perfect child. Unfortunatly, it’s during a time when abortion is illegal. New baby comes with a mess of medical problems, that would be considered minor today.
It’s one thing after another with this kid. The perfect child is a handfull too, but in that “normal” way that all kids are.
This is a condensed version of the answer the mom gave when asked by the 8 year old child, “why do you love her more than me?”
I think that there ARE parents who have a favourite, but I think most of us love certain aspects of each of our children over the others.
That might not make much sense…but its basically what zev said.
I have two kids at the moment. I love them both to death. I will admit, my daughter drives me up the wall a lot more than my son does. But she is also cute, athletic and kind to others which makes up for it.
Neither is my favourite, but there are things about each of them that I love, which the other kid doesn’t have as much of.
(I need to study English more…)
Awwwwwwwwwww
(note: the preceding word includes precisely the number of 'w’s that place it squarely on the borderline between respectful and a teensy bit mocking 
)
I have two (elder) brothers.
When I phone my parents it is not unusual for the conversation to go like this:
me: Hi Mum
mm: Hi A
me: It’s not A
mm: Oh, hi B
me: It’s not B
mm: Oh, hi C
A cunning innovation has brought about conversations more like this:
me: Hi Mum
mm: Hi A (or B)
me: It’s not A (or B), it’s your favourite son
mm: Hi C
So, in conclusion, even if your parents don’t have a favourite you can train them to think that they do.
zev_steinhardt, you said it way better and more eloquently than I ever could. I have this fight with one of my (childless) friends. She keeps trying to trap me into saying that one of my children is my ‘favorite’. God forbid I tell her a story about one of them and then not the other three. ‘Oh so HE’s your favorite!’. (She may have issues.) I love them all the best at different times and for different reasons because they are different people.
Come to think of it though, I am the only girl with three brothers, and growing up we all thought the oldest was the favorite.
Thanks, Zev for the motivation, I just started a scrapbook for them each, and I think I’ll start the first page of each with “You are my favorite because…”
My girlfriend got grounded when she was fifteen because when her younger brother punched her for no reason, he broke his hand. Her mother said it was “for breaking your brother’s hand” and whenever anyone asked what happened, she would say “they were fighting, and C. broke his hand.”
Jaw-droppingly stupid, but I was there to see it first hand. I think that that is quite clearly playing favorites. Nothing that C. could do was ever good enough for her, while J. could do no wrong.
In my own family, I am certain that we were all loved equally for our different strengths - still are, really.
When one of my two brothers or my sister ask mom who her favorite is, she says either " You dont know him/her, they live in Tahiti" or I dont like any of you that much". My sister and I agree that our oldest brother is her favorite.
It’s kinda like asking which parent is your favourite? I love them both but for different reasons. IMHO this would be the case if/when I have kids.
I must ‘Me, too!’ here, I cannot help myself.
zev, that is the most beautiful thing I have read in a long time. I agree, you really should print this out and show it to your children when they are older. I am so touched by what you have written. sniff You are my new favorite person.
Zev sounds as though you are a truly blessed man
My grandmother had 2 kids, my uncle and my mom. Uncle’s the older one by about 6 years.
I know Granny loves mom, but anyone with a brain in our family knows that my uncle is her favorite.