Do parents have the right to snoop?

Great Debates
21

I’m torn. My room was searched (more or less) quite frequently and I ended up being in trouble for various things found there. What irritated me about it was that it was a violation of trust. I had given no reason for the searches, I was a great student, I came home when I was told to, and so on.

But, not to be silly, the reason I didn’t like the searches was because the parents would find something I didn’t want them to, and not because of a matter of privacy but because I knew I would be in trouble for it.

So, torn.

If I had a child I would be very nosy. However, I would tend to fall on the side of thinking of it like a sneak and peak warrant: I couldn’t use anything I found to directly punish the child, only as a means to better understand what was going on with her (always wanted a daughter).

Some teens are simply distant from their parents, they are reaching an age when they want to assert themselves like they damn well should and like we want to teach them to do. It is unforntuate that this often involves at least a temporary break in the parent-child relationship.

If you feel you can’t trust your child to tell you the truth, perhaps it is the way to go if you suspect something may be amiss. Better to have a child be spiteful and safe than otherwise, I think.

It is never fair.

22

One of my friends purchased a box, and kept it padlocked and empty, with the express purpouse of driving his parents nuts.

Look, adversarial relationships suck. Talk to your kids, first. Please.

23

Well having married into a 16yo daughter I got a crash course in this. I would hardly consider it snooping when a quick visual sweep of a room reveals, in plain view, a porno video, an almost empty 40oz beer bottle, and several condom wrappers :eek: As Grek mentioned. Some rules were laid down and were violated. Poking your head in every couple hours can be quite enlightening and maintains the “fear of discovery” our problems cut back significantly after periodic checks were made.

24

I’m a nosy mom, and my kids know it. I agree with **Super Gnat **here–it’s only a violation of trust if there is some sort of agreement in place that their room is immune to the occasional snoopery.

I know that if my kids want to keep dope or drink or whatever, they’ll certainly find ways to do it, but there is no requirement for me to make it easier for them. Privacy is a privilege, just like setting your own curfew and letting your dog eat all the sliced ham. Grow up, move out, have at it.

My kids seem perfectly okay so far–trusting, happy, regular kids. They know the score, so there are no surprises for them. It’s not like I line them up and go through their belongings on a regular basis or anything, so it’s really not a big issue.

Of all the mistakes that parents can make, I truly believe this is one of the milder ones. There are so MANY ways to screw up your kids, y’know? And if this type of thing doesn’t cross the line into abuse (and yes, I know of situations where it has), then I think a lot of kids are going to shrug it off and deal with it as one of Mom’s weird habits.

At least that’s what my kids do, and I’m perfectly willing to be their Weird Mom. YMMV, of course.

Best,
karol

25

If I was going to tell the kid first, the only “when” I would give them is “right now”. What, you’re going to tell them, “Okay, I’m going to search your room in two days,” so they have a chance to move everything incriminating? Were you ever a UN Weapons Inspector? :wink:

Myself, I don’t know if I would tell the kid first. When I was 16, if my mom had told me she was going to search my room because she thought I was on drugs, I would have been very offended, since I wasn’t. A thorough, unannounced inspection would’ve allayed my mom’s fears, given her more reason to trust me, all without pissing me off. As a rational adult, I would be more understanding about such things, but as a kid? Naah, it would’ve made me more surly.

Jeff

26

My parents’ basic policy was that my room was my room, and that I was responsible for maintaining to their and my own standards. So far as I know they never went in looking for anything. Even now that I’ve moved away they never go in there unless I ask them to mail me something.

Even though I never did drugs or smoked or drank or did anything they’d really object to, I got nervous whenever my parents wandered into my room. Curious, really, since I had nothing to hide. Still, my room was my space, and them coming in unannounced was an intrusion, almost an invasion of privacy. Call it silly, misguided, whatever-- it was an attitude my parents encouraged and supported.

From a kid’s point of view, unless I had given my parents reason to suspect something was wrong and that clues as to what that was could be found in my room, I’d consider a search a violation of privacy. My room’s my haven-- I spent a lot of time alone in there. The worst thing would be to feel that my space had been invaded or violated. While parents do have a responsibility to watch over their kids and know what they’re doing, unless they suspect something’s wrong, they should encourage a respect for privacy and personal space, beginning with the child’s own.

If I had kids, I’d feel the similarly. My kids should have their rooms for themselves, to organize and decorate as they feel fit (within reason, of course). Unless I saw a major change in appearace, behavioral, or academic performance, I’d have no reason to go into my kid’s room to poke and sniff around.

IMO, too many parents use the “I’m his parent, I should know what he’s doing” reason to justify their snooping tendencies. That, to me, is inappropriate. Again, unless you suspect something’s up, you have no more business going through a kid’s room and belongings than you do going through a relative’s, neighbor’s, or total stranger’s belongings.

I agree that the best approach is to first ask your child if something’s wrong. If you’re not satisfied with the answer and you want to do some exploring in their room, you should tell them so, but not be specific as to when you plan to go in. Explain that as their parent and owner of the home, you are entitled to do so, and their recent change gives you motivation. That way, you can explore whenever and as frequently as you feel necessary until things improve. That’s fair.

27

done some thinking about telling them “when” you’re gonna search their room
what i was trying to get at was taking the mystery out of the process. Let them know what to expect. maybe i got carried away.

if you do indeed want to catch them with something, then you want a “sneak attack”
if you are more interested in your relationship with the child, keep them more informed.
i personally favor the latter.

in my professional life, i’ve had to search through the personal belongings of many an adolescent, quite against their wills, and specifically looking for drugs, weapons, porn, any sort of “contraband.” I’ve seen some that took it well, most, well, took it other than politely (suffice to say that i’ve heard many bad things about my mother)
professionalism seems to help, but that’s just another way of fostering trust.

the OP asked a few questions that we havent addressed

the diary? off limits unless you think your kid’s gonna bomb the school, IMO

do teens have a right to privacy?
The real question is: how much privacy? In the bathroom, sure, if he says he’s combing his hair (water running) for 15 minutes, fine, let him.
but privacy as a “right” nah, it’s more a privilege or an agreed upon function of a relationship between parents and children.

I think i’d like to check internet search history though.

any other thoughts on that one?

28

Just out of curosity, what would you be looking for exactly, and how would you breach the issue of what you found? Would pro-drug pages disturb you? Pornographic sites? Bomb making pages? Racist pages?

29

My kids are only toddlers, so I’m only working from theory, but I think that by the time your kids are old enough to want their privacy, you should have done a good enough job of parenting to be able to trust them. Snooping is within a parents rights, but it should only be used when other evidence warrants it and all other avenues have been exhausted. Of course, this is for your average teenager. If the kid in question has been in trouble on a regular basis, then all bets are off.
My take on diaries is that they should only be read if there is MAJOR evidence that somthing is seriously wrong. Stuff like repeated threats made to other kids, reports of violent fantasies written (the type of stuff that was reported about the Columbine killers before their rampage). Otherwise, you’ve completely invaded the one right to privacy that everybody has, the right to keep your innermost thoughts to yourself.
As for internet history, I think that’s fair game. It isn’t hidden and they know everybody who uses that computer has access to it. If they leave something in there, it’s no different then finding something they “hid” in a kitchen drawer.

30

IMO, everyone regardless of age is entitled to privacy.
I’m seeing an arguement here is that it is part of parenting to snoop. So you don’t trust your kids so you have to search through their belongings? Is it so hard to just ask your kid “Are you using drugs?” Whats with all the cloak and dagger parenting? What is so hard about actually talking to your kids? Honestly? Is it laziness? Is it fear of what it would mean if they were using? You have as much right to go through their belonging as the FBI has to come into your house and do a search. Your in their country right? So you have no say in whats going on. If this happened wouldn’t you feel violated?

31

Motion to amend complaint to read:

"Sure the parents should search the kids room, if they want to lose all respect and trust he has for them and become his jail warden not his parents. You will damage your relationship irrepairably if you search, especially as a first resort. Parents may have the right to snoop, but once you use that, you will lose your child’s trust. And as for periodic cleanings, I never met a teenager who did not consider them searches.

Other possible undesirable outcomes of such snoping may include:

a) The childen may become adept at deception and therefore consider themselves ‘winning’ a ‘game’, as opposed to learning the difference between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ behaviour.
b) The children may turn into lawyers"

your move.
:stuck_out_tongue:

32

Nope. My kids live in my house. I’m responsible to a great degree for their behavior and its consequences. If they don’t go to school, I can be prosecuted. If they do an injury to someone, I can be sued. If they leave a plate of cheese under their beds for six weeks (a much more likely scenario with my children so far, thank God), I have to figure out how to get the ants and cockroaches out of the house.

I don’t intend to invade my children’s privacy, but I do go into their rooms on occasion and I have been known to do limited “searches” for dishes and laundry. These usually lead to lectures about not keeping food in one’s room and about how if one wants clean towels, one has to put dirty ones in the hamper. It has led to mandatory room-cleanings on more than one occasion. If I spot a wet towel on one of their beds or suspect as I’m gathering the laundry that there’s a hoard of dirty linen in one of their rooms, I don’t wait for them to get home to go in and “search.” They are pretty well aware that it’s possible I’ll go into their rooms, but they also feel comfortable leaving their diaries, which I wouldn’t dream of touching, let alone reading, in plain sight. Now that my older daughter is entering her teens, I’m also considering instituting a rule about keeping the door open when she entertains guests (her best friend is a boy), but I’m not yet sure if that one will be workable, given the little sister situation.

I take the same attitude about the possibility of my kids having drugs (they can keep their porn, when the time comes, and I’ll pretend not to have seen it) or other dangerous substances in their rooms. If I suspect, as I have with the dirty towels, that my child is stashing something she shouldn’t be, I will either ask or look. I was a teen druggie from way back myself, so in the case of drugs, I seriously doubt that a straight-out question would elicit an honest answer. In that case, I’d probably look rather than ask.

I notice that the actual parents here tend to give real-world answers, ones that take into account that very little in childrearing is clearcut. Good parents learn to adjust their childrearing to fit their own situations.

33

it’s good to hear from a parent and a fellow new mexican

yeah, if the FBI is present at the birth of a child, present for late night feeding and crying, pays the rent, goes to soccer practice, blah blah blah for 30 years till someone buys a house, then maybe i’d be ok with them snooping…

but it’s not their country, it’s as much mine as it is any police officer or fbi agent or even the president (in philosophy).
parents, it is their house, and they are ultimately responsible for all that transpires in the house. So if a parent wants to snoop, it’s their choice, I’m only saying that it should be done responsibly.

people are “entitled” to privacy, yes, but the question is how much?
like i said before, privacy in the bathroom is one thing, privacy in their bedroom with a coed, quite another.

people really keep diaries huh? weird.

re: internet searches-

I think any of the things netbrian mentioned would disturb me as a parent (projecting a few years into the future here).

prevention is the key here, hopefully i’ve won the battle to keep the computer in a public, visible place in the home so that the kids don’t have much privacy to be lookin at nekkid ladies making bombs and spouting hate speech.
hopefully I will have spent enough time with my kids to know how to talk to them, and how to have them listen to me.

so when i find the militia-porn website that disturbs me, (hopefully) i can discuss it with the kid openly

but are there parents out there who have had to confront this?
(sorry if this is a hijack)

34

Wearia,

If I’m living in the FBI’s house, they have every right in the world to search my room. :slight_smile:

My kid(s) are not in their own country. They are in Brickerland. Their actions may affect me. And I am responsible for their welfare and their upbringing. They are not little adults. They will certainly be given certain privileges consistent with their age, experience, and maturity, but ultimately my wife and I, the benevolent dictators of Brickerland, will decide if there is reason to search a room, and search. Period.

Bricker Jr. is almost 13 months old, so this problem won’t come up for a while yet. But that’s how things are in Brickerland.

  • Rick
35

It’s not a matter of “just talking” to your kids, unfortunately. I talk to my kids quite a lot, in pretty darn frank terms, about all sorts of things–drugs, sex, alcohol, relationships, etc.

But realistically, if you ask a drug-using kid “Are you using drugs?”–what are the chances of him answering “Oh yeah. Just forgot to mention that…you don’t mind if I keep my stash here under your roof, do ya?” Same applies re: sex, alcohol, etc.

Bricker said it all, and I see on preview that I am merely paraphrasing him, but I’ll do it anyway, because the point is a very good one. These kids are not my roommates, for heaven’s sake. They are KIDS, and I’m the parent. They do have some, limited rights, and I would never do anything to abuse them emotionally or physically. But my responsibilities as a parent override their wish for adult-sized privacy. Part of my job is to know what’s going on in my house. Doesn’t always make me popular, but it does make me a decent, caring, and responsible parent.

I tell my kids this upfront: I may screw up, but at least I’ll do it in the interest of trying to be a Good Mom.

36

One more thing, some have said that its your house so your rules. The thing is, kids don’t have the option of leaving. They have to live there. Usually I’d agree that under your roof what you say goes, but in the situation of children they have no choices. So its not fair to say if they don’t like it they can go somewhere else because they can’t go somewhere else.

37

Well, y’know . . . it IS my house. And no, my kids don’t have the option of leaving. Then again, they don’t have the responsibility of paying for the place, keeping the electricity on, or putting food on the table, so it does tend to balance out.

Nowhere is it written that children–dependents, who need the financial, emotional, and physical support of their parents–have the same rights as adults. Not having the same rights does not equal unfair in this case, because kids are, by virtue of their ages and state of dependence, not the peers of the adults they live with.

38

from here

My personal experience is that I waited until there was just cause and it was too late.

39

If you’re under legal age in your parents home, just remember you live in a benevolent dictatorship. If you’re lucky. :slight_smile:

Don’t give them probable cause to snoop. They’ll still do it. They love you.

Deal with it. :smiley:

40

I’m 18, still living at home. If my mother started doing random suspicionless searches of my room I’ll start doing random suspiciousnless searches of hers and see how she feels about it.