While reading this thread I got to thinking about how my mother used to go through my things when I was a teenager and how angry it used to make me. My mother did not bother to hide the fact that she went through my stuff. If she found cigarettes she would break them all in half and lay them on my pillow. If she found letters from friends she would leave them on my dresser. I used to get so angry and she would shrug and say “someday you will have children of your own and understand my need to know what I am up against in the fight to protect you”, which at the time I thought was a bunch of crap. Now that I am an adult, although I have no children, I can see her point.
About six years ago my aunt called to say she was having trouble with her oldest daughter who was 16. Her husband wanted to go through her things to see what she was up to as they suspected drugs and alcohol were involved. My aunt thought this was invading her daughters privacy. I told her to rummage away but no matter what she found, unless it was something terrible, to never tell her daughter what she found. She did find letters from friends chatting about “man were you wasted at that party” and a small amount of pot. I again told her to not mention it to her daughter as a lot teens experiment with pot and drinking. Unless there was something to indicate she had an abuse problem with either it was better left where my aunt knew what was up, could watch for signs of trouble and hope my cousin would grow out of it.
(She did, she is a great kid. I love her to death and am beyond proud of her. She came to live with my husband and I at 17 as she did get a wee bit unruly and eventually grew into a smart, lovely, compassionate woman.)
I can understand the invasion of privacy that teens feel at having their parents rummage through their things. In fact they have every right to be outraged. On the other hand I think parents have the right to rummage through that stuff in order to be in a better position to nip potential problems in the bud. Most teens will out grow what parents see as bad behavior, namely drinking and “soft” drugs, but sometimes substance abuse problems, among other things, develop that possibly could have been corrected if parents had an inkling as to what was happening.
I do not think it is okay to pillage your childs things for no reason other than to be nosey. If you suspect they are using drugs, alcohol, involved with the “wrong crowd”, or a number of other potentially dangerous things I do think it’s okay.
What do you think? Is it only okay if you think something’s up? Is it never acceptable to poke around in your childs things no matter what? Is it okay to look just to check even if you do not suspect anything just to make sure everything is okay?
With no specific purpose in mind: No, unless you feel like allowing your kids to snoop through every inch of your room as well, looking through your letters, and listening to your phone calls. Or if you feel like letting the police do it “just to make sure everything’s okay”.
With a specific purpose: Bring it up with the kids first, and don’t go looking for something if you aren’t prepared to confront them about it.
We advised the kunilou kids as they neared teenagerhood that their privacy rights were somewhat limited as long as we were responsible for them. We specificlly noted the right to read their e-mails and the right to search their rooms.
That said we’ve exercised that right exactly once with one child. Even when one of their e-mails winds up in our mailbox by mistake, we just forward it over.
The whole point behind benevolent despotism is to be benevolent about it.
The girl who started the thread (listed above) copped to having razor blades and that she likes to cut herself (although she denies any suicidal intent). Regular snooping in on her possessions does not seem far fetched to me in this case. On the contrary, I would think that psychiatric help might be in order.
Knowing what I know of teens (I’m not too far removed myself), and my own behavior at that age, I now completely understand why parents “snoop.” They are responsible for (some) actions of their children in their house. If the kid has drugs, explosives, illegal weapons, etc. in his/her room, it is the parent that will be legally culpable.
My grandmother used to go through my father’s things for no reason as a child, other than curiosity (she was mentally ill). He hated it, and as a result they never went through my stuff…but I think if I had reason to believe my child might be hiding something of importance from me, I don’t think I would have many qualms about going through their stuff, as long as they were still minors.
When my daughter entered Middle School I told her that if she didn’t want me searching her things, she better not give me a reason to. She has three times in three years and all three times turned up with “stuff”. Knives twice that my fiancee and I had never laid eyes and as it turned out, that HER FRIENDS HAD GIVEN HER! Some friends. She’s 14 for cryin’ out loud. We had a talk with the parents of the “friends” which made us unpopular with the daughter for awhile, but I can live with that better than I can getting a phone call from the police anyday.
I don’t snoop my daughters room but I reserve the right to do so if need be. Yesterday when I got home from work she had bought a new door knob that has a keyed lock. Naturally she gave me one of the keys. She and the boy have a running argument about staying out if each others rooms. Her door knob has been messed up for a few years so she can’t lock it. I thought the key thing was a little over the top but then if it becomes a problem then I’ll just remove the damned thing. The boy didn’t have a knob for a couple of years. When he was 5 he locked himself in and then got flustered and couldn’t get the door open. My mother was babysitting and removed the knob. I never put it back on until recently.
Even when my daughter was at her worst (14). I didn’t find it necessary to gather information through forensic techniques or stake outs. Usually the truth or at least most of it came out eventually. Sometimes her friends would rat her out because they didn’t like what she was doing or were afraid she’d get into really big trouble. I just don’t go in “there” much. That’s her private space. If she gets out of hand again or if I think that it’s necessary I will toss the place. It is my house after all. I pay the bills there. But other than that I believe that children, teens especially should be given as much respect as adult where privacy issues are concerned.
The boy is a different subject. I have to check his space everyday or it will become so filthy that the health department will shut us down. He’s at this age where I have to stand over him and tell him everything to do in order to get his room straight. We also love clothes but don’t like to take a bath right now. I have to force him into the tub, and then check to make sure he’s used soap. Boys do outgrow this don’t they?
I don’t snoop my kids’ rooms because I don’t need to. They don’t come home reeking of cigarettes or booze or dope, they don’t play loud heavy metal music up there, making me wonder what ELSE they’re up to, they don’t hang around with the type of friends who would give them knives.
That said, they do understand quite clearly that Mom and Dad retain the right to do room inspections at any time of the day or night. And I do go in there periodically, mainly to shovel out the top layer because they keep taking my scissors and masking tape and Magic Markers up there :mad: so I tell them, “I’m just looking for my scissors–Ah HA! here they are, shame on you.”
So far I haven’t found any drugs (or as it’s universally pronounced around these here parts, all of us heavily influenced by Officer DARE, “druuuuuggs”. You have to kind of grunt it, to get the full effect.)
Minors are in your charge. If anything happens to them that could have been prevented but wasn’t because you were ignorant of their actions, you can be cited for neglect or worse. More importantly, you may live in regret for the rest of your life for something you could have prevented. Teaching respect by giving it to your child and giving them privacy is certainly an honorable and worthwhile lesson, but if/when it’s abused, revoke it.
If you are at a point in your relationship where you can’t trust your teenager (most of us are), I believe you not only have the right but you are obligated to search the things they have brought into your home, but as has been pointed out, do it carefully, discreetly, and with due and just cause. If something “harmless” turns up, never mention it.
If you are not aware of your child’s goings-on, it may point to a bigger problem, but that must be put aside, along with the “trust” issue, if something potentially dangerous could be at stake. Obviously, if you find something “bad”, then your child was not trustworthy. I would worry about your child trusting you later also.
If you rescue your child from a crisis, at some point, like in the OP, they will understand and thank you for it.
Trust is earned just as respect is earned. If your child hasn’t given you any reason to be distrustful of them, stay out of their stuff. It is disrespectful to go through it without reason. PLUS, if you have a reason, you better be talking to them first before you start doing the Columbo act.
What kind of lesson do we teach our children if we show them that prying is okay (when a reason to pry hasn’t been given)?
IMO, if you need to snoop on your kids, you’ve already got problems with your relationship with your children. If your relationship with your kids is sound, they won’t be hiding things from you.
Hey Ducky…maybe your scissors are sucked under somewhere at my house! What is up with that? I don’t care how many pairs I bring home they all end up somewhere in the abyss. Not to mention screwdrivers, tape, pens (which you did mention), and now my hair spray.
I love finding people who agree with my wife and I about this. I don’t see it as snooping. I see it as pulling a surprise inspection on parts of my house I’m letting them use.
Realistically speaking, I’ve got two great toddlers, and am working on raising them so I end up with two great teenagers.
While I agree it is a trust issue I have a hard time believing that having your children trust you is of more importance than protecting them from dangerous situations.
Part of puberty is finding a sense of who you are as a separate entity from your parents and family in general.
All in all I had a sound relationship with both my parents. I was about as close as can be expected to them as a teenager. I did some ‘bad’ things as a teen but I was not a bad kid. I was open with my mom about a lot of things that were going on in my life but I certainly did not come home after a party and say things like "holy cow mom, you should have * seen * the size of that joint I smoked tonight’ or ‘this boy put his hand up my shirt tonight and I was unsure about removing my bra so I thought I’d ask your opinion mom’. I was doing things I clearly knew they would not approve of and I was not skippin’ on home to chat with them about it. As a teen my parents were not my ‘friends’ and they did not try to be. They were my parents. Now I am an adult and they are both.
I like that many of you have made it clear to your teens that searching their rooms will be an option if you feel you have cause. It is in the open that way and they are pre warned. It leaves the lines of communication open while still enforcing the parent/child roles. I think if I ever have children I will spend all day on the straight dope and say things like “okay now my kid is 4…what do I do”. Between all the opinions and experience out there I should be able to raise a half decent kid.
Jawofech
Well, not everyone has a dreamy relationship with their kids. Communication is usually clouded, especially with sensitive subjects (sex, drugs, violence against self or others). A suicidal kid might not come right out and say “Mom, Dad, my life sucks and I want it to end.” Instead they make (half-hearted) attempts on their life that sometimes have the (un-)intended results. Sometimes it is unsafe sex, or unwise use of drugs.
Sometimes the consequences of not snooping on your kids are a lot more serious & irreversible than a breech of whatever trust your kids have that you won’t snoop in certain parts of your own home.
I do not search my children’s rooms. I most certainly would, if given a reason, and they both understand this. My mother snooped when I was in my early teens and I STILL get mad when I think of it!
Needs2know: (My quote function doesn’t seem to be working) I’m relieved to hear you sometimes have to force your son into the bath and make sure he uses soap. My younger son would go DAYS without washing. There were many days I stuck his head in the sink and washed his hair before school (I have NO idea what was up with that). Now, he showers all the time and his hair must be PERFECTLY combed at all times. So, yeah, your son will outgrow it.
Many parents believe in the entitlement system, that a child is entitled to the same basic freedoms as adults. If this approach works for them, I think that’s fantastic.
I, however, approach this issue from a different perspective. Children are given priveledges, and privacy is the most tenuous of the priveledges you can grant a child. It can be rescinded at any time, based solely on suspicion, or circumstancial evidence. When raising children, the long term view is the only perspective a parent can afford to have. An argument, or heated denial of wrongdoing followed by an indefinite period of pouting are infinitely preferable to the alternative. Some of those alternatives being, drug abuse, theft, and self injury.
It has been proven countless times that children, even children on the verge of young adulthood, consistently act in a self gratifying manner. They seek what makes them feel good, or validates their burgeoning belief systems, with little regard to the long term effect of their actions. Snoop away! Your kids will have plenty of time to accustom themselves to the privacy that they earn once they’ve flown the nest.
There’s a saying in my household that my kids know well:
“The United States ends at my front door…”
Essentially I have informed them both directly and indirectly that I will/can search their rooms at will. Granted my oldest is 10, so I haven’t had to do this yet.
I agree with many of the poster’s who’ve done simarily. I’m responsible for them until age 18, until that time, some freedoms are curtailed.
My mother snooped in my room when I was a child and a teenager for no other reason than she was nosy.
She read my diary… I caught her reading it when I came home earlier than she expected one day. I took it from her and threw it away after ripping out the written pages.
Most ironic was the fact that she BOUGHT me the diary.
She picked the simple lock so she could open and read it.
It started the basis for a lack of trust between us and she’d also go through my room.
I never took drugs, I didn’t drink, and I read prolifically.
She still took it upon herself to probe my room for anything. You can say a parent can do whatever they want because it is their house and they are letting you use the room. That still does not make it right.
