My great aunt waited until several family members left the room before dying. She was alert at the time, took out her dentures (saying she didn’t want to die with her dentures on) and i forget the details, but she didn’t want the younger generation in the room when she died, either. Her closest relatives, my father and his sister, remained in the room. But she held on until she had more privacy.
My uncle had called everyone when my Granny was close to the end. A bunch of us were at the house when she died but I swear she deliberately waited until we had all left the room to actually pass away.
My aunt was at the hospital with my mom when she died. We were taking turns sitting with Mom and I had just gotten home when the hospice nurse called and said I might want to come back. I didn’t make it back in time but at least Mom wasn’t alone.
Also, when my son died, his mother and I and his three siblings and his ex-wife were all there.
It was true for Queen Victoria in 1901.
The Queen’s favorite Pomeranian, Turi, had been placed on her deathbed at her request.
In my father’s case back in April it was more of a matter of spent his last days not so much “surrounded” by family as by their side as various sets of us rotated in and out taking overlapping watches. Hospice care staff have tuned in to when the time is at hand, so when it was the last day they let us know and more of us got there. He finally went in his sleep that night and my sister-in-law and I were the ones on watch.
It happened to my grandmother, too. A daughter and a granddaughter on each side of her, all five of them praying together. Not a bad end to nearly 93 years of life.
Another factor is that sometimes, at the end, a dying person can hold on just a little bit longer through extreme effort. Once all of their loved ones are gathered around, they relax and let go.
Now, I’m curious, why @Timz asked about this – the OP makes it sound like he’s skeptical that this actually happens.
I wasn’t there, but my understanding is that my great aunt said she was waiting for some people to leave so they wouldn’t see her die.
Yeah, we obviously can’t live forever just by willing it, but i think dying people often have some control over the exact timing.
My father died 30 years ago from liver cancer. He actually managed to stay at home with my mother and sisters (and visiting nurse) until two days before he died. He went into hospice, was lucid until the second day when the morphine (and his body shutting down) rendered him semiconscious. My mother, sisters and I were there most of that time, but during his final ten hours it was just him with me sitting at his bedside holding his hand. My feeling was that he’d ushered me into this world, so I felt honored to return the favor and usher him out. It remains the most profoundly touching event of my life so far.
So my answer to the OP is that Dad died surrounded by me.
Yep, my Dad died surrounded by 8 of his family last year. We’d had the nod that he only had a few days, so a rota was set, but on the final morning, the nurses made it clear he only had a few hours, so everyone was called in.
Of course, not everyone wants to die in front of their children - my wife’s mother had a vigil around her bed for 4 days before she passed, She actually died when my wife and her brother stepped out for some food. My wife thinks she didn’t want her children to see her die.
When my wife’s uncle passed several years so, we were all there, about 12-15 close family. We were there to support each other, and so he wouldn’t be alone. Rick was the ‘cool uncle’, the ‘fun uncle’ for my wife and her sister.
But when my dad passed 11 years ago he had only his wife with him. My brother and I could’ve been there, we weren’t far away, but we weren’t told that he was going. But we had seen him a few days before. My dad was a loner so that’s probably how he wanted it.
Yeah me too, I’m curious.
Former hospice nurse here.
To add to the chorus, yes, it is common. I’d say it happens more often than not.
mmm
For my mother, we were told she probably wouldn’t make it through the night (she didn’t). The family gathered in the room. Since I live across the country I joined on computer. My mom really wasn’t responding to anything.
I’m sure the family would be against euthanasia but this was personal. Without anybody saying anything specific, everyone understood that we didn’t want my mother to suffer and that we trusted the family member responsible for delivering the pain medication to make the right decision to relieve suffering, knowing the potential impacts.
Am I a bad person because the first thing I thought when I read the thread title was “yes, at a Mob hit”?
Anyway, while I haven’t had the kind of experience mentioned in the article (I was a ways away when my grandparents died, and while my father-in-law was in town, I was coordinating the process of informing other members of the family) it’s good to hear that it’s been a positive experience for so many - I have two parents and a mother-in-law who are all getting up there.
No matter how one participates in the end of a loved one’s life, your mind will later come up with all manner of guilty recriminations for things undone, or done less than perfectly. that’s the nature of bereavement.
Physically being there with the decedent at the last can forestall a lot of those ultimately unhelpful and unwarranted thoughts.
Indeed I was skeptical – the phrase sounds like something the obituary-writer added to heartwarm his story. But apparently not.
I’ve heard of professional “death doulas”, who sit the dying vigil with those who don’t have anyone else to do it for them.
The day my mother died, various family members were around, although she was in a coma and didn’t know anything about it. At the actual time when her heart stopped, only my sister and her husband were there because my father and I had gone to get dinner. Others had left for the day, expecting to come back the next day.
When my father died, it was only me and my sister, and he actually died alone in his sleep overnight at the hospice.
Agreed. Got a call on the Thursday. Family were all gathered at the hospice on the Friday to say farewells and be there at the very end.
+1 for appreciating hospice staff.
When my father died, the doctor had let us know that the end was near. My sister flew in from Chicago to be with us. We had him at home rather than in a hospice center. Four of us five siblings were staying there with my mother. The other was about 15 minutes away.
He was heavily sedated with pain medication so he wasn’t aware of anything.
I was working night shifts at the time and arranged for time off, so I took the night watch. His breathing got lighter and lighter and eventually he took one deep breath and that was it.
When my paternal grandmother was at the end, my two aunts, my mother, some cousins, one sibling and I were there at the hospital when the doctor discussed if we wanted to remove the ventilator.
Only my sibling and I elected to stay with grandma after they removed the ventilator. The others waited in the waiting room.