Dopers with dead or dying relatives...I need your opinion

In My Humble Opinion
1

As I’ve mentioned before, Ivylad’s father is dying. Unfortunately, it seems just a matter of days now.

The hospice nurse (hospice has been great, btw) says that one of the signs of the final stages of dying is that the patient speaks with relatives or friends who have already passed on.

I took a half day off work today to stop by the in-law’s house, as Ivylad seemed a little lost when I talked to him last night. He’s been staying there a few days each week, and I don’t think he will come home again until Dad is gone.

Anyway, when I saw Ivylad today, he told me Dad had said he had talked to his late FIL and his late brother, and that they are waiting for him.

Is this common with dying folk? Is is some sort of delusion, or is it possible there is something beyond death? Keep in mind this is a man who is not religious at all, yet he says he’s been talking to dead relatives and when the nurse told him, “God is with you,” he said, “Yes, I know.”

Has anyone else had this experience with their loved ones?

2

My mother, a day or two before she passed, said that she felt my father next to her. We would tell her that when she was ready to go, that dad and Momma (my grandmother, mom’s mom) would be right there waiting for her. She couldn’t speak, but had a look in her eyes that seemed to say “I can see them waiting for me.”

I believe that this is the case, without a doubt. Based on the look of comfort in my mom’s eyes when she said my dad was with her, how could I not believe it?

Wishing you strength and peace of mind in the coming days.

3

Yes, it is fairly common.

When one of my brothers did the seeing relatives things, I gave him messages to tell them and tell me what they are wearing and all. It didn’t bother me one bit. It is a very touching and moving experience and though hard to live through at the time, I regret not one thing.

I truly beleive that there is a window just before death, a tunnel that allows us to see our family and loved ones beckoning us. Telling us that death relieves us of our physical pain and that it is ok to let go. and then, in the Dogma of Shirley, in the afterlife, you get to choose between Eternal Reward or get to jump head first down the log flume ride right back into life. Naturally after a nice, long visit with family.

Many a time those who are dying hang on for a very long time because they don’t want to cause their survivors any more heartache, or they are afraid of death. Then the family ( upon instruction from a nurse or hospice) will come in and say their goodbyes and tell the dying it is ok to let go and go to the light. Usually, not shortly lately, the pass on. ( I’ve heard too many stories from too many difference credible sources to refute this.)

Also, depending on the circumstances and the tubes hooked up, as the patience nears death, instinctively they try to rip off the tubes and hook ups. They want to be free of everything, including clothing. Naked as they day they were born.

It will look like aggitation from your angle, but this is was told to me by a hospice nurse with 20 years experience.
Peace,

Joan

4

When my aunt was dying, a cousin and I stayed with her. Several times as her time drew to a close, she saw or conversed with long dead relatives.

My cousin and I were chatting with her one night, when my aunt said, “Daddy’s here!” (aunt’s father, our grandfather). My cousin and I were very short on sleep and not processing anything very well so we sort of gazed and blinked. Auntie asked cuz if she could see grandpa and my cousin again fumbled for an answer. Auntie turned to me and said, “IrreverentTone, you see him, don’t you?”. Somehow I managed to say though tears, “No, but I wish I did.” That satisfied her and we drifted on to other subjects.

5

My wife was always pushing down her blanket and trying to pull off her clothes; one of my morning rituals was straightening out her nightgown and pulling the blanket up. Once I even found the blanket on the floor and her gown completely off, which considering that she only had the use of her left arm was pretty amazing. She also pulled out her catheter twice; after the second time it was decided to leave it out, as it was obviously bothering her.

I can’t address the “talking to the dead” issue, since due to her dementia her conversations were often full of references to her past, and once she even asked about my brother Billy, which was confusing since neither of us had a brother named Billy. She was all but comatose the last week; the thought that she might have been able to speak with her dead parents during that time I find oddly comforting.

6

Now I’m crying…

Don’t ever regret not giving him a message to give to a deceased relative. I asked my mom, during her last lucid period, when we all knew her time was near, to tell dad what beautiful grandkids he had and how smart and how cute and how funny they were, and how proud of them (as well as us) he would be if he had met them. She looked me sqare in the eyes, and said “He knows, and he is.”

He does, and they do.

And for as painful as this time is for you, know that you are helping at least one Doper through a difficult time. Thank you. I will try to return the favor if called upon.

7

I have witnessed this twice in my life.

The first time I experienced this was with a close friend of the family. I was about 12 when “Auntie D” finally went into hospice. The first time I saw her do it I didn’t even know it was happening. She would have a very animated conversation in English and Tagalog with us in the room then would speak straight Tagalog to the air. I don’t really understand Tagalog but I knew something was up when Mom and my aunts started whispering behind their hands. This went on for about a half hour before Mom finally turned to me and asked if I knew what was going on. It seems that she was having a full conversation with her deceased Mom, Dad and brother. Skeeved me right out. On subsequent visits, her invisible guests included angels. She would follow them with her eyes, point and say in Tagalog “Don’t you see them? They’re right there! Are you people blind?”

The second time I saw this was when I was 21 and living with my aunt as her caretaker. She was suffering from dementia but about a month before she passed away she became very lucid. Which was a little freaky in itself. It was during this month that she began talking to her husband. Who had passed 30 odd years before. This had never happened before. Even when the dementia was at its worst. The first time she did it, I was reading to her when I hear “Hi Honey! What are you doing here?” I look up and she’s talking to the air at the foot of the bed. They exchange pleasantries for about a minute then after she says goodbye she turns to me and says “It was lovely to talk to Carl again.”
All of the hair on my arms stood on end. Freaked my shit out rightly. Her Mother started to tag along when Carl would “visit” until right before the end when she could no longer speak. Didn’t mean they weren’t there.
Not really part of the OP but I “felt” it when she died. I was in her hospital room keeping her company. She was on a DNR order and had already had Last Rites. She was also awake and looking around but she couldn’t talk. I was just sitting with my head in my hands when I felt “something.” It’s hard to put into words but something was no longer in the room that had been in the room. I actually looked up at my Aunt because of it. Because of the DNR she wasn’t on any machines. No heart monitors, nothing. I got up to take a better look at her and it seemed like she wasn’t breathing. I remember putting my finger under her nose to see if I could feel her breath. I leaned out of the room and yelled for a nurse. She came in first, then a doctor came in and confirmed what I already knew. I closed her eyes and as I did so it really hit me that it was only her shell. My Aunt had already left.

8

I had a similar experience with my father. He and my mother were in a terrible accident a few years ago, she was killed instantly and he lasted for two days despite severe injuries. There were fleeting moments of lucidity, he recognized me a couple of times and got out a few words. When he asked about her, I told him that mom was going to be alright.

He asked if [my brother] was there. My older brother had died at age 13 (I was ten at the time). I remember telling him that [my brother] would be up to see him soon. One of the last things coherent things he said to me was “You have to look after him now.” I can only assume he still thought of him as a child, I want to believe he thought he was alive. If the delusions lifted his grief over his elder son, even for only a few moments, I am thankful for them.

9

Sorry to hear about your painful situation. I wish you the best.

The Afterlife is real and, for all practical purposes, proven. Please take a look at www.iands.org for some info.

When my dad was dying, he did not talk about seeing dead relatives, although I asked him now and then whether he had encountered anyone. He did have a near death experience, however.

10

When my Mom died, she was so weak that we couldn’t tell if she was seeing relatives or not, but that was something we were expecting to happen.

At one point, a few months before it happened, I told her that if they come for her and I wasn’t there (I lived about 3 hours away), that she should go with them and not wait for me, because I understood and would be fine. She appreciated the thought, but that never happened, either. There was a week long bedside vigil in the mix.

[slight hijack]

I did witness spiritual death before physical. Mom had her last lucid moments early Sunday morning, and my sister and I were there, and talked with her, making our final goodbyes. Then she faded out for the last time. Early in the afternoon she took on this very strange appearance, almost like an unwrapped mummy (the sunken eyes and all), and was absolutely unresponsive. She hung on until Monday evening.

I am 100% certain that Mom’s soul departed late Sunday morning, with the relatives and the light tunnel and the whole nine yards, and her body hung on for another day.

(wiping eyes)
[/slight hijack]

11

This is a very touching thread. Thank you for sharing.

So, it’s not delusion? It’s not over when our bodies wear out.

Please, keep the stories coming. They’re very helpful.

12

I am guessing perhaps the posts on this thread are going to show an inbuilt bias in favour of those who have experienced something along the lines you outline. Perhaps nothing is so boring as a “nope” reply, so why bother posting it. Perhaps people figure if you find the thought comforting who are they to volunteer anything to the contrary.

So it’s down to me then.

I have been around two of my grandparents, one great aunt, my godfather and my father when they have been dying (hey, it’s not like I am the angel of death I hope!). Anyway I was with a couple of them very close to the end - and I am sorry to report that not one of them did anything like you describe.

Some did say things we couldn’t catch or did not make any sense but nothing that could be described as a conversation or monologue with departed friends or relatives. Now perhaps the fact that only one of them was particular religious or spiritually switched on is relevent, but from the previous posts I have no reason to think so.

That apart I have had no personal anecdotes from anyone of such behaviour. Perhaps we English simply “don’t talk about that sort of thing”?! :wink:

But if you find reports to the contrary helpful I totally respect that. I wish you peace and comfort for the future days whatever happens.

13

My father, who died last week, claimed to have seen his three (dead) brothers, sitting on a bench, waiting for him to join them. I hope he did—the idea seemed to make him happy and the last four years of his life were absolutely miserable. He deserved at least some happiness at the end.

14

I think the dead come to comfort the dying or to at least let you know your number is coming up. I am comforted by this.
Last summer, my aunt died suddenly of a thrown clot days after having a minor surgury. The night before she died, my cousins wife was over at her house taking care of my aunt and when my cousins wife (Angie) was in the bathroom she heard my aunt having a argument with someone( on the phone, she only heard my aunts voice). Angie thought she was on the phone and didn’t think much of it. She said my aunt was saying things like “no Im not ready to go, I don’t want to…” then the last part of it my cousing heard was “Fine, if that is what you want, I’ll go”. When my Angie came out she asked my aunt who she was talking to on the phone my aunt said that she had not been on the phone all evening. So Angie left it at that, albiet a bit weirded out. The next day my aunt died. The weirdness about the whole thing is that my aunt died 7 years to the day that her husband had died in an accident. My aunt and uncle were true soulemates. They loved each other more than life itself and I truely belive that he “came to get” her so they could be together. Although, I think Angie heard something that she probably was not meant to hear.

15

My father died quite suddenly, so there was no last impressions as such.
My mother did not speak much during her last decline, but about the last thing she said was that she could smell flowers.

My best wishes go to you and Ivylad. These will be very difficult times, and all I can say, from personal experience, is that when a person passes, the love that they had inside them is set free and comes back to you in many many different ways.
Be strong.

16

My one true love’s brother died at home just a few weeks ago after a long bout with cancer. He did not speak deceased relatives.

17

I was with my mother when she died in the hospital. She was lucid right up to the last day. I can’t even remember what our last words were or how long they were before she started to shut down. I do know that she didn’t see anybody we couldn’t see, or she didn’t say anything about it. Right as she was going into what it is people do when they die, and everyone is panicking, I was holding her hand, and I said “Mom, if you’re in there, squeeze my finger.” And she did. Freaked the hell out of me. And then it was over.

Sorry, no visitations to report. But I wish you strength to deal with this.

18

An old family friend (who was not religious at all) saw a man with a long beard waiting for him in the hospital room. He did not seem to recognize him.

My dad could not talk the last days of his life (they had a respirator in him) so I don’t know what he saw or didn’t see.

I had some experiences after my dad’s death that comfort me, but that sort of thing is a judgment call and not any “proof.” But I’ll tell them anyway. Feel free to think it’s just a coincidence or fertile imagination if that’s what it sounds like to you. I found them comforting, anyway.

My dad died in the beginning of February. There weren’t any flowers blooming in our garden in S. California. The morning of his memorial service his favorite flower was in full bloom, suddenly, overnight. My mom (who knows more about the garden than I do) said that it was very odd for the flower to bloom so early or so quickly (overnight). It’s unheard of, really.

Being kind of out of it, I decided that I wouldn’t dress up for the memorial service. I would just wear my old street clothes, I thought. After all, it was my dad’s funeral, I could wear whatever I wanted, dammit! Then, a day or so before the service, I was walking in the mall with my mom (who was dismayed by my decision to not “look nice”). All of a sudden this thought, a complete thought, almost like it was spoken to me but not quite, pushed its way into my head. It was very sudden and I didn’t feel that it came from me at all. The not-quite-spoken message or thought was, “You must dress up for the memorial service. All your dad’s buddies from work are going to be there and he doesn’t want them to think that you’re some kind of schlub or slob. This is the last impression they will have of him. He cares what they think and if you look like crap it will reflect badly on him.” The thought was so sudden and strong and I immediately knew that I would obey it. (Much to my mom’s delight.) I did it because I was convinced that my dad still was somehow aware of what was going on and this was what he wanted me to do.

Once again, not “proof” of anything and can be easily explained away as the thoughts of a grieving mind. But I know what I experienced and I don’t think it came from me. I’ve had that same experience (a sudden thought pushing its way into my head from somewhere else) when I’ve not been under extreme stress, and it was very powerful each time. It didn’t feel like it came from me. And each time, the thought or message has been wise and correct.

After our family friend died, my sister had a similar kind of freaky thing that flashed into her head. She got this strong visual image of our friend, all young and healthy again, being greeted with much joy by his long-dead brothers (all young and vital as well). She saw how our friend was so delighted at seeing his brothers again, and how they embraced each other. This strong sudden visual image was comforting to her. She questions whether it came from her. She said it felt like it perhaps didn’t.

Once again, no proof of anything. Just comforting little stories that we experienced and that we interpreted in a certain way.

19

Ivylass, first of all, my heart goes out to you and Ivylad. It’s very hard to watch someone that you have loved so dearly dying. Of course, if he’s in Hospice, you at least have the comfort of knowing he’s not in pain, and that does help.

I’ve had a couple of experiences with this phenonmena. When my mother died, she talked frequently with her sisters and her parents in the couple of days before her death. Two days before my father died (I wasn’t there; he was living in Florida, and I didn’t have enough notice to get down there), I called him on his cell phone. I asked him if the doctors were keeping him comfortable, and we talked a bit. After a few minutes, he said “Well, I’ll be going to see your mother now, and I won’t be back”. Now, that’s a fairly ambiguous statement, and he was a theist (although practicing no particular religion), so he may have just meant that he assumed he’d see her in the next world. But I kind of think that he had been talking to her.

Another story, not about this, but you two might want to consider it. When my mom’s brother was dying, we went to see him in the hospital all the time. Someone was there practically 24/7. One evening, mom and I were the only two there, and we had to go out to get something to eat. When we got back, he was dead. We both seriously thought that he intentionally waited until he was alone to die. Perhaps he was worried about distressing us even more. If some people do, indeed, feel this way, perhaps whoever is at the hospice with your FIL ought to give him some “breaks”, or even tell him to let you know if he wants some time alone. I would imagine for some people it’s comforting to be surrounded by your survivors when you go, but distressing for others. Respect his wishes if you can.

20

I found your tail quite moving, thanks for sharing it. Dad passed in December, but I can’t tell you if he had this experience or not, as he was nearly comatose for the last week of his life.