First off, yes I do whine on these boards about women, at least I did. But over these past few months I have more or less obtained my goal with women. As I said in summer, my goal was not to date as many women as possible it was to not care about women or dating as much since I felt that outlook was not making me happy. I felt my views like there was something wrong with me were what were unhealthy, and I have largely conquered that through visualization. So in case anyone reads this and thinks its about me know i’m largely ok now. I still don’t date, but I really don’t mind it anymore.
Anyway, i’m just saying that in case someone gets the wrong idea of me posting this. I am seriously curious as to of the women you ask out, how many say yes. What does it take to get a woman to say yes? Do you need multiple conversations with her first or will just one work? How do you minimize the awkwardness between the two of you if she says no?
I have no idea what percentage of women I’ve asked out have said no. It really depends on how you define “asking out” – there have been times I’ve realized someone is or isn’t interested without having to specifically ask them out.
As for what it takes to make women say yes, I’d say you want to chat with her enough to get a sense that she’s someone you’d like to get to know better. This can be fifteen minutes or it can several different conversations. I think it’s better to make a move early, so you’re not emotionally invested. The more you spend thinking about asking someone out, the more you build it up in your mind.
I used to be very hestitant to ask people out without a glowing neon sign that they liked me. I’ve since asked people out on a whim and gotten turned down, but realized that it’s still a positive experience. They’re usually flattered, and I feel cool for being brave enough to ask. It’s win-win. It’s the one life lesson I wish I could send back in time to my younger self: just ask. It’s worth it.
As for post-asking out awkwardness, if you ask casually it’s not a big deal:
You: “Hey, do you wanna get some coffee sometime?”
Her: “That’s really nice, but I have a boyfriend/dentist appointment/complete lack of interest in you.”
You: “That’s cool, just thought I’d ask. See you around.”
After that, don’t make any extra effort to talk to them, but be friendly when you do. If you don’t assume there’s any reason to be uncomfortable, you won’t be.
First of all, you really need to know what a kick-ass person you are. Girls are into so many different types of people. If you ask someone out and they decline, who gives a shit. It’s nothing against you and by all means DON"T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!! She’s just into a different type of guy. No biggy!! It’s her loss. Because you’re such a kick-ass person and you could rock her socks but now she’s just going to have to miss out.
The sooner you develop that attitude, the sooner more girls will actually be saying “yes”. If you’re not confident in yourself, it becomes obvious within seconds of conversation. And if you’re not great enough to impress yourself, then how could you impress her? Confidence, man. You need confidence.
But this isn’t something you can pretend to have. You really need to know yourself, and what your good points are and what your flaws are. Don’t dwell on what you consider flaws. No one is perfect.
Also, I’m really curious. Where are you meeting this girls that you want to ask out? And what are you saying to them? Dude, I really wish I could take you out with me a couple nights and show you how an Ugly Mofo meets women.
Being a mighty Nordic conqueror, I have no need to ask women out. They fall all over each other just to get a glimpse of me. I can take almost any woman that I wish. Therefore, it is up to the women to prove themselves worthy of my choice. And indeed they are making it difficult.
I don’t ask them out. They just hop into bed with me without my asking.
I do ask girls to go with me to concerts and stuff, but not in a romantic way. Usually it’s just that I need a new friend and I need someone to go to the event with me. It annoys me when they take it in a romantic sense, though, since I’m not looking for romance, just more friends. Sordid meaningless sex is fine too.
Not entirely on topic, but I highly recommend you get your hands on a copy of Miss Manner’s Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, which holds the answer to most of life’s questions.
Regarding asking people out on dates, she gives this sage advice:
“…This means that one suggests a specific date and activity, and is gracious if it is declined. After three separate refusals, one stops asking.”
and
“…it is perfectly proper to refuse such an invitation politely if one is not interested, and that elaborate excuses need not be given.”
and
“The secret to popularity is looking as if you had discovered the secret of a happy life, whether or not you have. You may then, once someone has fallen in love with you, have a sudden relapse into misery and expect her sympathy and help.”
and
“To begin with, a specific invitation can, at worst, inspire a specific refusal, while a general invitation may bring on a general refusal. The reply to ‘Would you like to go to the circus with me a week from Thursday?’ may be negative, but it is bound to be more bearable than a negative reply to, ‘Would you like to go out some time?’
Upon acceptance, the lady is told the details of the evening. She needs to know the hours she will be missing from home, enough information about where she will be to satisfy the other occupants of that home, and what the appropriate dress will be.”
Miss Manners has also written about how to ask someone from the office on a date without ruining everything, but I can’t find that passage right now. I’ll try to find it.
I usually operate from the assumption that they have no interest in me and will say no. Seems to cut down on the rejections. Can’t say its the most enjoyable life though.
This probably isn’t going to help much, but here it is anyway.
I have never, in my entire life, actually asked a woman for a date. When I was a kid it was just because I was horribly shy and couldn’t bring myself to do it. Later on the women asked me out, and I entered a series of really bad relationships. That was all my fault, because I just went with what fell into my lap (literally, in most cases) instead of going out and trying to find what I really wanted in a woman.
I eventually became convinced that all women were poison, and tried to avoid romantic entanglements altogether. That was a mistake. It turns out that women are wonderful, almost magical, creatures if you find the right ones.
Eventually something just happened, and I’m getting married soon.
I said at the top of this thing that it wouldn’t help.
Before I was married, I used to ask women out on dates now and then, and they usually said yes. On the other hand, none of the romantic relationships I had before meeting my wife resulted from these dates.
Actually, for some baffling reason I’ve gotten to the point where the women that I seem to get along with either just ask me out or make it so clear that they’d say yes that the asking is a mere formality. Now, uh, this hasn’t turned into any hot and heavy romantic relationships recently, so I suspect it’s more of a father figure thing, which actually depresses me a bit since when I want to contemplate how much older I’ve gotten recently all I have to do is look in the mirror.
Sorry, I seem to have lost my train of thought; what was the question again?
Wait a minute…let me guess this straight…you people actually *talk/i] to women? :eek: Holy fuck!
Seriously, though, I kave “asked out” a woman…umm…I guess five times, in total. I’ve had three girlfriends, but only one of those was from actually asking one of them out, the other two just “happened.” And of those five, I only really consider three of them to really be asking a woman out, because the first two times I did so, I wasn’t thinking that’s what I was doing. The first time was just asking a good friend of mine who happened to be a girl to a movie. Since I kinda did have feelings for her, I kind of consider it a date. The second time was similar, just asking a girl I was already friends with to a movie, though I really did want to date that girl, but for some reason I didn’t realize to after I saked her that it was kinda a date.
Of the last three, only one was an “unprovoked” asking. That is to say, the other two times, I got the girl’s number ahead of itme (once in a bar and once in a laundromat) and they requested that I call them and “do something” sometime. The “unprovoked”, as I call it, was still the case of me asking out a girl who I was already friends with. Though I was only friends with her a short while (less than three months) so I figured Iwasn’t quite at the “friend now, friend forever” stage.
What I’m curious about, really…is how one asks out girls they don’t know. As I was getting at before, if you get to know them too much first, there’s the danger of becoming the friend, and then not much more. So do guys just walk up to random women and ask them out? What do they say? I was lucky (?) enough to have two girls give me their numbers without me asking, though in the end maybe not since nothing ever panned out (each time I had one date and then nothing.)
Eh, oh well. I really don’t have any worries about my love life. I don’t care that much, really. But still…I don’t think I’ll ever have enough courage and self-confidance to just walk up to women I don’t know and strike up a conversation.
I tried that in summer (approaching strange women and asking them out). It didn’t seem to work but maybe i’m just bad at it. What sucks is when a woman tenses up when you do it, then you feel bad and you have to avoid her because you don’t want to make things worse. Sucks, I remember one woman I asked out who wouldn’t make eye contact with me ever again, stuff like that and having that effect on people really makes you want to quit asking strange women out. Then again, for every woman who tensed up and got uncomfortable at least one was flattered that someone thought enough of her to show that they found her attractive. And I was on friendly terms with maybe 1/3 of the women I asked out after that and I still am. So its not a total loss if you can handle the rejection part.
PS I got 0 yeses (is yeses or yes’s the plural of yes) when I did it.
I don’t remember them all, I think 3 or 4 had boyfriends but a couple of them seemed flattered. Two or three weren’t interested and a few I just didn’t follow up on (meaning they were interested in me but I didn’t follow up on it). I forget the reason(s) the others gave but I only asked out about 10-12 women.
Technically I did get one yes but she flaked out on me. She was the one who wouldn’t make eye contact. Having that effect on a person is very demoralizing if you can’t tell.
But like I said, I would say about 3 or 4 of the 10-12 I asked were interested but either they had a boyfriend or I didn’t follow up on it properly.
I’m going to jump in here for a second, because I’ve been a woman asked out; I haven’t asked women out, per se, but have been asked out by one woman. I blame it on the bad haircut I’d just gotten.
I second whomever said the bit about confidence; it goes a long way toward reassuring us YOU think it’s a good idea that we go out. ‘Did he mean it?’, we sometimes ask ourselves when the guy keeps his hands in his pockets and his shoulders slumped. Also, if you work the date idea into the conversation and seem excited about it, we will be more likely to get caught up in it.
“I love XXXXXXX band!”
“Me too, especially their album *****.”
“You know, I hear band YYYYYY sounds alot like them, but better, and they’ll be in town next weekend. Who knows when XXXXXXXX will be here?”
“Sounds great, I’d love to see them!”
“So would I, let’s go together!”
Before she knows it, she’s Mrs. Wesley Clark! (There isn’t one already, is there?)
It goes w/o saying, I’m sure, to be on the top of your ‘look’ game; clean, fresh, unrumpled and well-tucked. Don’t look like someone just unpacked you. I wish you the best of luck and would have given you a try-out date if you’d asked me!
Dude, I don’t swing that way but you’re not ugly. I can definitely see a lot of women going for you. Not that your advice is not without merit, and you’re probably not every women’s type, but you’re hardly ugly. But confidence is the key.
