Do they make PVC big enough to launch a goat out of?

I thought about compressed gas but as an accelerator. The charge could go off when the goat has reached sufficent velocity and distance from the point of explosion, thus remaining integrated and maybe only singed a bit. The band sounds horrorshow as well. I am working on an acid speed waltz called “Hircine, Hirsute and Chewin’ on Roots, That’s My Baby.” I have woven in a few oblique references to St. Exupery for the literati. This could be a regular day at the races. “Fire The Tertiary Goat Cannon!” “Aye Aye, Sir!”
Thanks to Rocket and Sailor for the info.
Work Continues At The Strategic Goat Lab…

Just how far do you want to fire this uhhh… ‘Projectile’?

Goats In Space?

>> the goat hurling was cancelled. There had been rumours revellers would use a stuffed goat, but participants said that would have been unmanly

I would say the actual stuffing of the goat would be the most unmanly part. Maybe we should ask the goat how does it feel about the issue.

The main benefits of compressed air as propellant are safety (for ground crew as well as projectile), ease of handling, and (most importantly) to keep acceleration to a reasonable level. Basically, if acceleration is more than about ten G’s, the goat won’t to be in a fit state to be stylin’ as it exits the muzzle. If the goat is far enough away to not be harmed by a pyrotechnic explosion, it is too far away to gain much of a boost.

Seriously, no matter which system you use, if goat integrity is important then the maximum practical range is a few hundred feet. Any further and initial acceleration forces will be such that you are likely to have goat soup exiting the muzzle.

The bigger question, though, is: why a goat? Goat shot your brother once?

As far as PVC not having the strenght, that is largely a matter of wall thickness. If you are going to use an explosive to launch the goat, then PVC would be very likely to be damaged significantly, making it a single-use disposable goat cannon. Metal or ceramic would allow multiple shots, and a good ceramic would have the added benefit of avoiding detection at airports.

In order to determine the specs for the cannon, we would need the aproximate weight and dimensions of the goat, plus the desired maximum range of the cannon. If the goat was tightly bound and wrapped in wadding-type blanket you would get much better distance out of it. Any special reason a goat would be the munition of choice? Could it be compressed, shaped, and perhaps frozen into a standard goat round? All this stuff makes a huge difference in terms of design.

Reminds me of a joke:

This three legged dog walks into a bar and says, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”


You guys crack me up. That is one of the funniest tread titles I have seen in a long time.

I can see it now. Chronolicht tries going through the metal detectors into the Airport lugging a 30 ft. ceramic canon on a trailer.

Security guard - “I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow canons on the flight.”

Chronolicht - “But it’s not metal.”

Security guard - “Oh! Sorry, I didn’t realize. Go ahead then. But it’s too big for carry-on. If you’d check it at the front counter it would be appreciated.”

Chronolicht - <Thinking> “Thank you Engineer Don”


I should have explained my reasoning. The ceramic pistols can get through the metal detectors, but as I understand it the ammunition can’t, or at least is harder to sneak through. A goat wouldn’t have that problem. You could probably buy it a seat if you wanted to, although they would make you muzzle it.

Also remember, for your own safety, to take a bomb of some sorts with you on all flights. This greatly decreases the chance of someone else bringing one, because the chances of there being two bombs on the plane is just astronomically small. Maybe some C4, shaped like a large suppository, shoved up the goat’s butt, with a radio detonator.

It also helps if you can find an older goat. If he’s had a hip replacement with steel equipment, the new hips can be used to hide the bomb. I’d recommend having the medical papers ready in case they ask for proof. I mean come on. Who they hell would give a goat a steel hip replacement? You honestly can’t expect ecurity to buy that just on your word. Some type of hard plastic composite would be lighter and more comfortable for the goat and much more likely.

What you really want is a gigantic Trebuchet. I’ve seen these things launch Volkswagans, so I imagine a standardized goat round would be trivial. The acceleration at launch would be low enough that you wouldn’t have goat soup at launch, either.

There was a guy on Letterman last year who brought his pumpkin cannon - it was a giant compressed-air cannon that could fire pumpkins clear across the river in New Jersey. Pretty cool. You couldn’t fit a whole goat in it, but a goat head might work. Remember to knock off the horns to keep from scoring the barrel.

You could use a pyrotechnic propellant–just get a wooden (or similar light, fairly dense solid material) block the size of the bore (actually slightly smaller). This also means the goat wouldn’t need to be such a tight fit. Same principle as the little plastic doohickey in a shotgun shell between the powder and shot. Or use a saboted goat, that way you could rifle the barrel.

We wouldn’t sell enough tickets to make back our investment. We have to pay for the band, engineering and lots of those little cocktail franks. I think we should mount a big magnesium flare on the hind section of the goat for maximum effect. Maybe some whistles, too. The ceramic is brilliant though. If we use BC4, a nice boron carbide composite, it would both be reusable and permit design specs incorporating easy breakdown/modularity. This also allows efficacious concealment. Gerald Bull got caught trying to take sections of his low orbit cannon on a flight from Istanbul to Iraq. He claimed they were for an oil pipeline. We won’t have that problem. I think the US got pissed off (and the Israeli’s got hinky; the quadripeds could have reached Jerusalem) because he wasn’t going to use our goats.
Connor, your query betrays a certain jejuene naivete concerning the cloven ones. Goats can eat steel with little detrimental effect. They are quite durable. Further testing is needed, of course, but I suspect that an average ruminant of 25 to 50 kilos would be able to withstand about 5000PSI.

Cocktail franks, yum! I’ll be there.

IMHO, if one went the trebuchet route, I’d launch a grand piano. Should make a fairly interesting noise when it comes down.

Come to think of it, maybe pyros could be used, if you could score a JATO bottle or an ejection seat unit. No idea if those can be found on the open market, though…

Oh, I vote the ejection seat. It would be so much better! Instead of all the cramming and shoving NORMALLY associated with inserting a live goat into a cannon (hey, haven’t we all been there?), you could simply put some carrots and tin foil on the ejection seat, let the goat get comfy, and POOF! Off he goes. I think high speed photography hooked up to the firing button could ensure some quality photos of said goat.

Capital idea. Chronolicht, if it’s ok with you, I’d like to coordinate the entertainment and public relations aspect of the Goat Launch 2000 Project. I’m sure we can draw people from all over the nation, maybe secure some network tv time…this thing’s gonna be big. You guys take care of the launch, I’ll bring the crowds.

I suggest securing a good lawyer too in case anything goes wrong. Ya know what with errant goat parts…

Oh by the way, wouldn’t “Goats in Space” be another excellent name for a band Rhythmdvl?

As opposed to those armor-piercing goat rounds.

I think you could use PVC. Leave the back end open, strap the goat between three JATO units, pack him in, and launch. The tube would merely serve as an aiming device.

You would, of course, have to call it an RPG…

I have to ask a more mundane question: Why a goat? Would a dog, sheep, or other midsize mammal also suffice as ammunition?

I suspect there’s a particular goat you have in mind for this, um, experiment. While that would make the engineering part of the project simpler in a way, since the system could be sized for that particular animal instead of being required to handle the full spectrum of goat sizes, the deeper question remains.

Which goat do you want to launch and why? Can you state it in a way NBC would be proud to use as an Olympic Moment?

The Teeming Millions (who are all going to show up at your place on the appointed day, expecting hot dogs and beer) breathlessly await.

I can see the problems with getting the launching device on an airplane. What if some sweaty, desperate-looking seatmate were to grab it and yell “Take this plane to Cuba! I have a length of PVC pipe here and I’m not afraid to use it!” “Oh no, he’s got a goat loaded in there and it’s aimed right at the cockpit!”