From my experience, women who do this tend to be the kind I don’t like associating with. It’s one thing to pal up with guys because of similar interests, style of communication, etc., but honestly, I think some women actively pursue male friendships because they think they are inherently better than female friendships. They also tend to be the type to proudly tell other women how most of their friends are guys, because guys aren’t as annoying as they are (not in so many words, but that’s what the underlying message is). Yes, I met a person who was like this, who never failed to remind us women that we were bad bad bad people who could never never never be good enough for her. And you know what? I probably perpetuated her beliefs because I never tried to hide my disdain for the self-hating bitch. I like women who aren’t into shitting on their gender all the time. Is that such a crime?
bolding mine
Well, all of my friends are guys and it isn’t because I don’t try to make friends with women…it’s because the women always let me down. I am an extremely loyal friend, and I expect the same from others. If you let me down, friendship over. The women I meet aren’t up for the kind of friendship I want to have. I’m already on record as saying it’s probably the women I meet, not all women, who are like this.
Of course, the group of kids I hung with when I was young was all boys (there were only two other girls on our street and they weren’t allowed to play with us). I hated dolls and dresses, and was always on for war and football. I helped build the fort and I got to hang out in it. The only girls I really saw were my cousins and they were tomboys just like me; we’d go riding horses and fishing. I’m not very feminine and am missing the wardrobe and shoe gene. I’m very direct in my communications and have no patience with people who aren’t. I’m sure these things contribute to who I tend to look to for friendship now.
I know there are other women out there like me, I just never meet them.
I still tend to communicate and relate better with men rather than women-- but those who are my oldest and longest-lasting friends are female. Grew up as a tomboy myself, and I still get folk mistake me as male on things like messageboards – and my oldest and dearest friends have similar qualities. I’ve just always been more interested in things like trains and ships and Meccano than dolls and brushing the manes of plastic ponies.
As you say, stretch – “If you let me down, friendship over.” Then again, I’ve had that from both genders, including the more dramatic “stabbing in the back, plus a kick in the guts” thing. Always hurts worst when it comes from someone you’ve trusted as a friend, and thought was even a close friend. Certainly puts serious personal doubts for a long while as to the ability to determine who’s a friend and who’s not.
I don’t think I’m less open to either gender due to past crap. I do make friends among women easiest with those older than me, though. So many “aunties”, not enough time … 
There have been other quotes like this in this thread and they always confuse me. What does it mean to be “let down” by a friend? Or backstabbed? I have friendships (with both sexes) but I don’t see myself as vunerable to being “let down” in any of them. I am not being snarky. Maybe I am a terrible friend, but this doesn’t even make sense to me. Could people explain?
The only example I can think of now - and this is a rather mild example of being “let down” - is the time when a close friend of mine and I made plans for Christmas Eve, and then she called the day before to cancel said plans because she got a call from a boy she barely knew (they’d been on a blind date together once, and she’d told me that she wasn’t all that interested in him) and he asked her if she was free on Christmas Eve. I would never cancel plans with a good friend to hang out with a guy I barely knew, but maybe that’s just me. Things of a similar nature have happened to me with various other friends (both male and female), and while I tend to be pretty laidback in general I have to say that it does piss me off somewhat.
Fortunately, I’ve never gone through anything that I would call “backstabbing” in my friendships so far.
Well, I don’t like being lied to, so if you say you’ll help me do something then beg off for a good reason, but I find that reason was made up to cover your ass for the shitty reason…you’re a lying ass. Or if I tell you something confidential and you go and tell someone else (especially if it causes me trouble), then you are untrustworthy.
Let’s say I offered you my friendship when you began working in our office and moved to our state. I loaned you things, told you the good places to hang out, warned you about the skeevy guys, offered you a shoulder to cry on about things going on in your life, kept your secrets–generally was there for you. Then you lied to my boss about me to make yourself look good. And when I took this up with your privately, you lied to my boss again about me. Well, darling, you ain’t my friend after all.
I think stretch’s example is a good one. For me, saying anything more about the old crap done is just wallowing in past misery. These days, I find, are way to good to waste time in doing that. I’m hoping I’m somewhat wiser for the experiences, though.
That’s because for many, if not most, women, keeping the marriage train on track and hitting all the stations is more important than maintaining same-sex friendships. These women will not hesitate to drop you if they get an offer for a date. Often, they won’t even hesitate to steal your man even at the cost of the friendship. These are the same women who will get into a fight with you should you talk to a man “they saw first”.
Men often have a “bros before hos” mentality (women do not appear to have an equivalent “sisters before misters” code). For the most part, we would rather hang out with our buds, going on dates more or less a side project. In fact, guys who tend to womanize often don’t have a lot of close male friends (mostly because their cock-blocking and ditching tends to get tedious).
Women seem to befriend other women who are not in direct competition for the same men. Quite often, I see women who have mostly male friends.
So I would submit that men make a greater number and more superficial friendships than women and women’s friendships tend to be stronger because they are so much rarer
You have a rather cynical view on women. Despite the example I gave above, my closest friends are women, and we’ve never had problems concerning men. I have also had male friends who would fall off the face of the earth once they got a girlfriend, and would hang out with us only when they were single. Personally, I find it’s difficult to generalize about friends in terms of gender. I’ve had good and bad friends from both sides. It really depends on the individual for me.
Like the time my “dear college friend” tried to sleep with my boyfriend while I was out of town, then mailed me a 7 page, single spaced letter justifying her actions because if I had been “a real friend to her” I would have “just known she was upset” and she would not have to “tell [me] why.”
Er yeah. I never spoke to either the boyfriend or her again.
To this day she casts me as the Vile Bitch in this scenario for some reason (we have mutual friends, they all know better and find her insistence Very Strange).
File under, “Backstabbing, female”
(Note: this is an isolated occurance in my history of friendship, but I think it is a good example of how a woman will sometimes turn on you like a rabid weasel and then somehow make it all YOUR fault. There is a certain class of women who are very much afraid to own their anger, end result= inexplicable destructive outbursts.).
I had a good friend (I thought), I’ll call her C. For the last year and a half or so, my marriage has been pretty shaky. C was going through something very similar. She recently split with her husband, and a bunch of the girls got together to go out for drinks and dancing. It was supposed to be a fun night for all. Dinner and drinks consisted of seven of my friends, led by C, telling me how they couldn’t believe I hadn’t kicked my husbands ass out yet. Several times it was suggested to me I should get a boyfriend. Anytime I needed, C would be happy to provide me with an alibi. After a few polite thanks, but no thanks, I said, “Sure, how about next Saturday.” (I freely admit I tend to be a bit sarcastic at times, and people don’t always know when I’m joking.) I should add that C and my husband are pretty good friends too.
Fast forward to last Wednesday night. My husband woke me up at 1am to accuse my of cheating. I was shocked. I had no idea what to say, where was this coming from? An hour into our “discussion” I was told. It came from C. She told my husband that if he was smart, he’d open his eyes to what’s going on. Said I was running around on him. The funny thing is, she led me to believe that he was running around on me. I believe him when he tells me he’s not, but he doesn’t believe me. So now he’s on a wild goose chase questioning all of our mutual friends, making me look like a whore.
I would rather any of my male friends ditch me for a piece of ass. At least they tell you why they have to break plans, and it gives you something to talk about the next time you get together for a few beers.
Yeah that’s definitely a chick thing. I couldn’t imagine a guy sending a 7 page letter after banging his friends girlfriend.
That is really low–sounds like “C” is either a terminal meddling asshole, or has picked your husband as a rebound man. Whatever she is, she’s no friend to either your husband or you.
Not unless he wanted to have it crammed up his ass, one page at a time.
It’s bullshit. Among both my own personal circle of friends and the people I’ve known in the past I could find countless counter examples.
I used to have more female than male friends (I’m a guy, by the way) but I don’t talk to most of them anymore. I’m still in regular contact with a guy I’ve known since high school though. In fact, he served as the officiant who performed my wedding ceremony. We’ve shared at least as many problems and relationship advice between us over the years as the most logorrheic females. My longest-lasting friendships have been with men. I still talk to two of my college roommates and I’ve had guys I knew half a lifetime ago who occasionally get in touch.
If I go to visit a guy friend, they’ll ask me what time I’m getting in and how long I need to stay. I don’t have to ask for a ride or ask if I can crash, they just offer it. If I need practical support, or if I need help doing something, I know from experience that I can’t rely on female friends as much as I can on my male ones. The women I’ve known for longest, and who are by definition reliable, tend to act a lot more like men than women in relationships. If they’re girlie-girls things tend to crash and burn in emotional storms sooner or later. Besides, the upkeep tends to be prohibitive; guy friends are a lot lower maintenance.
Quite a few women I know have had problems with their female friends. There often seems to be some kind of drama and/or bitchiness going on between them. Sometimes they make up, sometimes they don’t. Almost every girlfriend I’ve had has had a “rival,” for no particular reason that I can determine. Most of them have become bitterly nasty toward a former friend, even if the actual problem between them was trivial in origin. I know very few women who have had long-term stable friendships with other women.
My wife has one female friend she’s known since high school, the longest relationship she’s had with a woman, and the relationship upkeep is a guy-like minimalist phone call every once in a while and getting together maybe once a year. She has three male friends she’s known for longer than that. She said once that she admires the lack of turmoil in male relationships. Her sister agreed with that and both of them said that their female friends and acquaintances have said the same at one time or another.
So, I guess my girlfriends and I have “guy” relationships, because we offer help before the other person asks for it and don’t yak on the phone every week? That’s what I would call a normal, functioning friendship. I’ve never had any girlfriends who felt the need to maintain a constant stream of contact or else we would be dead to each other - maybe I’ve just been lucky, or maybe I tend to drop people like that before it ever progresses to friendship.