What do you want them to do, say “where the hell is my report”? Maybe they’re just not that peeved, but still want/need the report. We get these types of messages because our manager needs to collate the reports in order to pass a summary up the chain. If I’m late, I’m really inconveniencing my boss. Not a great move. I’d rather he give me a “friendly reminder” over “hey idiot - get it to me pronto”.
There may actually be a functional middle ground between smarmily passive-aggressive and overtly hostile.
People ought to stop assuming the worst intentions in other people’s writings.
If you expect insult or aggression, you will find it, even if it isn’t really there.
PA is ridiculous in my eyes because it sounds like people desire outright aggression over its softer sibling.
IMHO it is not aggressive to remind someone of something promised, or seemingly forgotten, unless direct insults are attached,
Personally I save outright aggression for things that really matter to me, like if you hurt my family, or stole from me, or lied about me to another,
Fine.
People have asked for examples but I haven’t seen any.
Scenario: Your coworker Charlie (whose in another building) promised to forward you a copy of a document. It’s the nearing the end of the workday and its still not in your inbox, and you need some info it contains to finish a report that has a deadline.
Tell me a better way to get that information:
Is “Hey Charlie, I really need that report” actually better than “Charlie, friendly reminder that you promised me that report”. If both are horrible, what’s a better alternative?
I only ask that you do not suggest a long-winded explanation as to why you are re-requesting this report.from Charlie,
IMO, the former is much better than the latter. It’s direct and to the point.
I think the issue with “thanks in advance” is that it conveys both that what I’m asking for is an imposition and that I expect the recipient to do whatever it is I’m asking for - I wouldn’t be thanking you in advance if I seriously considered the possibility that you would say “no”.
Which is why it doesn’t seem passive-aggressive in situations where a specific person is not being asked
But that one is outwardly aggressive. Why is that better?
It’s not at all aggressive; it’s stating exactly what the problem is that needs to be rectified. The latter dances around it with a tired old phrase that tries (unsuccessfully) to make the request sound less demanding while at the same time accusing the recipient of potentially breaking a promise.
I don’t think it’s a matter of which is more aggressive-- it’s that the P-A version is a wishy-washy, beating around the bush way to try to get the point across without seeming unpleasant, while the direct version is to the point and doesn’t waste anyone’s time.
ETA, or, what @Elmer_J.Fudd said just previous, and better than me.
Some of these examples are not the ways I’ve seen the phrases used. I realize that there is more than one way to use any of them , but I suspect there is one predominant meaning for each phrase in a particular environment.
For example :
Friendly reminder - I never got a “Friendly reminder” when the deadline had already passed or even when it was very close *. The “Friendly Reminder” would come on Thursday or even Wednesday for something that was due Friday. Possibly some of my co-workers needed a reminder before the due date, but I didn’t. And although I might get a reminder that there is cake at 2 pm , it would never have the word “friendly” attached to it.
As per my last email/conversation - never used in my experience to confirm understanding or even to say “you told me the opposite last time, which do you want”. Only used for " You told me you would do A, why haven’t you" or "I told you to do A and B , why have you instead done C and D ? "
Sorry to bother you again - I’m surprised to see this as one of the least passive-aggressive phrases because at my job it absolutely meant " You seem to be ignoring me/not reading your email and I really need an answer but because you are someone who outranks me, I can’t just say that"
* Although if you need something from me to finish your report that is due at close of business Friday, you shouldn’t just tell me you need that document on Friday - you should specify that you need it at 4pm or noon or whatever time.
Received an IM this morning from my boss. “Hope you get time today to move (x category of work - to meet end of month goals.)”
My response: “As I told you previously, I will move all my x by the end of the week.”
Which of us (or both/neither) is being aggressive - passive or otherwise?
Context, I ALWAYS do the work requested - and then some. Currently, out of 1242 people in my position, I am #15 for the year. Over the past week, we have had THREE email exchanges in which she reminded us of the end of month goals, I assured her I would comply, etc. I’ve done this job for 12 years, and she has been my boss for 8.
In my book, this is just more proof that she is a shitty boss. So I don’t worry about terms like passive aggressive or anything else. I realized I should probably just ignore the IM, but then wondered if SOME response was appropriate. Then, once I started typing the response, I got a bit pissy. She replied, “Thanks.”. It would not surprise me if I were to get additional reminders over the upcoming 3.5 days…
I bet there are some theories of management that would say she is doing a good job by offering reminders and letting employees know what is expected/desired. If so, I strongly disagree with such schools of thought.
Great post/poster name combo!
Both of these are passive-aggressive. Neither of you are really speaking clearly about what you want. You are both trusting the other will understand the “I don’t trust you/I’m annoyed” nuance, but are hiding behind a veneer of “but I was being polite.”
Your boss wanted a status check. If she wanted to take a blunt approach, she could simply ask “is everything on track so far for ___?” If she wanted to soften the message a bit, maybe something like “Jane was asking me about progress and I told her everything was looking good, but I’d confirm with you. Let me know if you see any roadblocks and if I can help.”
You could have simply replied “everything is on track and I’ll let you know if that changes.” Then maybe follow up in a separate conversation where you directly communicate your annoyance: “I feel a little micromanaged. Do you not trust me to tell you if there’s a problem? Is there something we can do about it?”
But I don’t blame you one bit for your response, and I’d have probably done the same. Sometimes a little passive-aggressiveness is intentional.
ISWYDT
Some years back I had the same job as my boss in a different office. I told my top performers (and even my mid-level performers) to let me know if they needed anything, but that otherwise, so long as they kept performing at their usual level, they would never hear from me other than to thank them for making my job easy. This one doesn’t know how to manage in any size other than micro.
I used to use most of these phrases when I was in business, especially early on. I don’t consider them passive-aggressive per se, although they can certainly be used in that sort of context. But then, virtually any expression can be used passive-aggressively, if you’re good at that sort of thing.
What I do consider some of them to be is too indirect and prolix. “Per our last conversation” for example, should just be something like “Last time we spoke we agreed,” or it can get more conciliatory from there – “I thought we agreed” or “did I misunderstand that conversation?” So as others have already said, the sin is not in-built passive-aggression but business bullshit talk. Stock phrases should be avoided when there is a more open and direct way of phrasing something.
Whoa, you go straight for da bomb!
Yeah, I’d much prefer just “Reminder”. Bad memories of upper class debutants trying to sugarcoat everything. (I mean, sugah, what’s wrong with “Why, bless her heart…”?)
So I don’t want my reminders to be friendly. We’ve got work to be done, just remind me!
As per my last email/conversation
I’ve used this only when the recipient is someone who I know to be normally bombarded with numerous emails (and possibly many from me) to clarify that this email is referring to a specific interaction, namely the last one.
If I had 3 conversations with the recipient about 3 different issues, I would say “As per our morning conversation”, etc. Or is that P/A too? I think I’m doing them a favor by clarifying which email/discussion I’m following up.
Again, I get the vibe that some of you are actively looking for slights where none are intended.
I suggest you stop reading into people’s motives.
At my job everybody including me gets a metric crap-ton of email between being copied in long-chain ongoing group threads, millions of company corporate emails about one thing or another, and the occasional useful email, it’s really easy for anybody including me to overlook an occasional email with useful info. It happens.
So as far as I’m concerned, I certainly don’t take it badly if somebody uses “per my last email” or “friendly reminder” on me, and hopefully it’s the same in the other direction.
…of people looking for reasons to be offended. How about we act like professionals, assume we’re all paddling the same canoe and have work to do? If I’ve asked you something and you haven’t responded, you’re damn Skippy I’m going to politely remind you, and let you know that it’s a reminder. Otherwise I’m gaslighting you (“Didn’t he already ask me this? I thought I responded?!”).
Anyone can be offended by anything. Yes, language and culture evolve. CHOOSING to be offended by normal, polite interactions makes you the asshat, not me.