Only a slight hijack here… when I was about seven years old, my mother’s mother was caring for me for a day in her apartment. I can only assume my parents had no other options for where to leave me as they didn’t trust the woman at all. (Perhaps some explanation is in order- she’s the biggest conniving bitch anyone would have ever happened to meet in their life. She got married ((the first time)) to avoid going to prison. And when her X-husband of 20 years died and left his money to his offspring, she excommunicated them all and tried to convince the insurance company that was paying out that it was some grand conspiracy and she was supposed to get his money…) Anyway… I was playing quietly on the floor in my own little Jely-land, and she came flying into the room having a screaming fit- something about telling my mother what a little thief I was. As it turns out, I had swiped about 50 pennies from this HUGE jar in the corner of the room- I was using them as toys, to represent little cookies for my dollies- it didn’t even occur to me for the next few years that she was mad about the pennies because they were money. I can only assume that had I taken a roll of toilet paper she would have strung me up for the vultures.
I wouldn’t consider it stealing, but I never took anything from home without asking, and I’d be upset if my kids did it.
But whenever I went to mom’s, she’d send me home with bags of stuff, and I do the same with my kids. Books, DVDs, CDs, food, clothes, bedding, towels, extras of anything I’ve stocked up on. I like to give, and I’m cheated of that if people take without asking.
I don’t ask, but our situation is that my mom and I both help ourselves at each other’s houses, and also bring random things over in exchange, like “oh, that fabric softener we like was on sale, so I picked up some for you.” If she is standing right there, I will ask, but if she isn’t home I will help myself and try to remember to mention it later. If I forget to mention it, it’s not a big deal. (And obviously, also no big deal if she is the one who forgets to mention it.)
So I don’t think it’s stealing, but I think that’s propped up by the fact that we’ve got a mutual, reciprocal arrangement going on.
Speaking as an adult child: goodness no. Even 20 years ago when I’d just moved out and I was poor as a church mouse I would ask my parents for toilet roll and the like (kind of with the understanding that they’d say yes anyway).
I think such behaviour stems from an infantile view of the family home as an all-providing entity, rather than considering that even the stuff in your parents’ house has to be paid for.
I’m not sure if I think it’s stealing but I think it’s pretty immature (barring prior reciprocal agreements). My mum will occasionally bring dinners and snacks when she comes over but that’s just how she is. When I need toiletries or food I go and buy them like regular people. It seems selfish to me - if I take mum’s last box of washing powder I’ve saved myself some money and a trip to the supermarket at the cost of my mother. Just … no.
opening the fridge and eating leftovers, fine
cooking, fine
asking for four eggs you need for a bread pudding you offered for tonight, fine
regularly doing grocery shopping at your parents, not fine at all.
I wouldn’t do that, barring borrowing books, as Anne Neville said. Back when I was in college my parents would foist tuna cans and mac & cheese and such on me. They helped out in a lot of little ways like that, and it was appreciated.
When I was visiting, it was known that anything I wanted to eat was fair game, but I never would have eaten something that was required for dinner, simply because that would have required cooking. That is a skill I am very sad to be lacking now.
I really can’t imagine just leaving with something I needed or wanted. I might ask, but typically I was on that line of too proud to ask for help, but not too proud to accept it if it were offered. I really wanted to be able to say I got through college on my own. I did for the most part, but those occasional bags of food and twenty dollar bills were not unhelpful. Especially when I was saving money like mad to afford my study abroad.
Oop! That was dangermom, not Anne Neville.
I think it’s highly inconsiderate. I moved out of my parent’s home 3 years ago and have largely survived on my own effort and money. Sometimes if I go over for dinner they will either force food (cookies, cereal, Milo etc) onto me or sneakily put it in my bag or my car (mum!)so I can’t try and refuse. If they do this or offer something I figure it’s fine if I accept. Sometimes dad takes me aside and gives me $50 and says ‘for petrol… and things…’ I accept this money about half the time.
My little sister moved out a year after me and although she makes a similar amount of money and pays a similar amount of rent/bills - will still take anything she can get on top of the stuff they voluntarily give her. Sometimes she asks but mostly she just assumes it’s OK. I’ve caught her filling up her bags with toiletries/food/cleaning supplies without saying anything. My mother minds but doesn’t want to say anything - I think she just wishes she would ask.
So yeah, I think ask.
The idea is totally alien to me. Maybe not stealing, but it is inconsiderate and IMO, selfish.
When my kids were home, there weren’t many things off limits, but they knew not to cross that line. Having friends over? Fine, but ask first, and their parents had better know where they are. Certain items were ‘rationed’ I guess you’d say, because my kids or others didn’t need to go crazy on junk food. They did also ask if they could cook something, and couldn’t give away or take things without asking, either.
When the kids moved out, except for certain times we really just weren’t too happy with each other, they were a family-guest. Same rules applied. Ask, and it’s more likely to happen. If I’m not there, leave a note.
I would often stock up on things and food from warehouse stores, and fix them an extras box. Have helped them a few dollars at a time, or even larger amounts, if they are doing their best, and not wasting their own money.
Now I live several hours away, it isn’t as much of an issue, except money wise.
I still gather up a few things at a time, and give them to the kids a few times a year, when we visit each other.
Try raiding my larder for other people, without me knowing or you leaving a note?
Once would about do it.
If you don’t ask, it’s stealing.
My family shares meals all around (several of us live alone, so when we want to make something that’s hard to size for one we call around and get “orders”); when we have a celebration, we consider taking away some of the leftovers a polite thing to do (otherwise the host ends up having enough leftovers for a month, and if it’s Mom it’s probably stuff she shouldn’t be eating). But whenever one of us takes so much as a pack of Kleenex, we ask.
featherlou, you got it in one. My parents never said anything to them, but I know it bothered them. Sometimes when I’d visit them, I’d find my Dad pacing angrily up and down the halls of the house and occasionally he’d spit out the word “Leeches…!” through gritted teeth. I instantly knew exactly who he meant. 
Do any of your kids still live with you? If you’re still supporting them, it sounds like a different situation from having a child who is supposedly living elsewhere.
When my parents lived near me, I would sometimes ask permission to do my laundry there. I usually brought detergent but once when it had frozen in the car I had to ask to use some of theirs. I also would call before I went over to see if it was OK if I visited. I would have felt nervous but OK about asking to take something if there was no way I get to a store, but I don’t think it ever came up that I would need to borrow something.
As you can tell, my parents brought us up to be independent and discrete beings from them.
Re: “asking” – The way we ask tends more toward ‘notifying’ than actually asking. Like: “Listen, Dad wants something to read, so I came over to grab a book for him, OK?” or “Hey, I’m out of mayo and Kevin wants to take deviled eggs to work tomorrow so I’m going to take this jar out of the pantry, OK?” At that point, I could say, “Don’t take that one – I’m reading it right now. I’ll bring it over when I’m done.” or she could say, “Don’t use it all, though – that’s my last jar and I was going to make tuna salad tomorrow.” But if I weren’t home and Dad needed a book, or they weren’t home and I needed so mayo, then we’d just go in and take 'em. Usually we’ll mention it later, too. We have a pretty open-door policy between the two houses, obviously. And the borrowing is mutual, not all on one side.
I mentioned this thread to my husband and he reminded me of something I’d forgotten – his own mom and dad used to have a lock on their deep freezer, back when their kids were first out on their own. They also had a code on their long-distance phone service. I always thought that was kind of strange – my own parents would never have done such a thing. But Kevin has at least one brother who probably did take advantage.
It makes my day to see this word spelled correctly and used properly. It happens so infrequently. Thanks, gigi!
My family’s philosophy was like Helen’s. Back in the day, my brother and sister and I did feel free to take stuff from my parents’ house. The difference was that you would take, say, a few old towels from a box in the basement, but you wouldn’t take a new set of guest towels, or the towels the parents were using. You might take a couple boxes of mac and cheese from the pantry towards the end of the month, but you wouldn’t take a pound of ground beef from the fridge (clearly intended to be the 'rents dinner). You might filch an extra bottle of shampoo from the guest bathroom, but you’d never take the shampoo out of mom and dad’s shower. To this day, my parents still dry dishes at my brother’s house with dish towels that prompt them to say, “Gee, these look familiar. Say, didn’t we used to own a set just like these?” Nobody considered that stealing.
But I think age and circumstances makes a big difference. When we three kids were, say, 18 to 22 or so – just moved out, first apartments, still in school, always low on cash – we did feel free to help ourselves. But we were, like Helen’s Eidolon, not really living in the house but not quite out of it, either. And we were living alone, or with a roommate. There was never any wholesale removal of stuff, and there never was any supporting of anyone else with the stuff we did take – those would not have been okay. It’s just one of those family things, where you kind of know where the line is. For example, in my family if you were repeatedly walking off with rolls of TP, you would probably find yourself the recipient of a twelve-pack of TP with a big red bow on it, left on the hood of your car or something. My father was big on using sarcasm to make his points. 
Now that we are older, ten years or more out of college, I don’t think any of us would dream of taking anything from my parents’ home without asking first.
I did pause and make sure I got it right.
Like many others, my parents absolutely heap food and “things” on us everytime we visit and would never mind us taking anything we needed. But I get the sense from the OP that the child taking stuff from his/her parent’s house was doing so in order to fulfill an obligation to the owner’s of another home. Maybe that’s where I’d draw the line between whether the act is acceptable. To take things out of need is almost always going to be quite okay. But to make a practice of continually taking things to fulfill your debts around town and to do so casually as to not even ask or mention the loss just seems to portray waaay too cavalier of an attitude. That, I would interpret, as a tad disrespectful.
My oldest daughter is living away from home, with her boyfriend. If she needs something, she’ll ask. But if she doesn’t ask, I’d definitely consider it stealing. This has a lot to do with our history, though. She has stolen from us (money out of my purse and such), so there are definite trust issues there. But if she needs something and asks, I’m pretty willing to give it to her.
My middle daughter, we have a totally different relationship, and I can see things shaping up differently with her. But she’s very big on being polite, and I just couldn’t picture her taking something without at least nominally asking first.
I’m curious if there is a financial difference between people who do and don’t take things from their parents without asking. We were always working poor - enough to eat, but nothing fancy, and very few extras, and we aren’t of a free-taking nature. Maybe the households where things are taken freely have more money in them - what do you guys think?