I’m wondering…how do you look at it when your grown children take stuff from the house? I have a friend whose daughter lives with the boyfriend and his family. She takes toilet paper, tooth paste, some food items, etc. over there on a regular basis. Do you feel that your kids are entitled to your stuff, do you not mind if they ask, or do you figure they’re on their own once they move out?
My kids aren’t out on their own yet, but I’d have to say I wouldn’t mind if they asked. I wouldn’t mind if they didn’t ask either, except that I’d think I was going nuts.
I just don’t like the idea that 1) they’re not asking and 2) that they can be ruining a meal you’ve planned or what have you. I just don’t think it’s cool.
I don’t know if I’d call it theft but it sure is rude.
I will go to my mom’s house and do laundry, make food there… but I won’t abscond with stuff they’ve purchased in order to use it myself! If I really felt I had a need, I would ask first.
Right. If you’ve set up housekeeping for yourself, your parents’ stuff shouldn’t be considered a long-distance storage pantry. Always ask! Always ask if you can use the washer, borrow toilet paper, have food, etc. I know it’s hard sometimes, but you need to ask.
My child is not grown. But as a grown child myself, I wouldn’t do this to my parents without asking. Consume food there? Sure. But I wouldn’t just go over and load up one items like it’s my own personal warehouse. That’s rude as hell.
Of course, my mom generally sends me home with her excess Costco purchases anyway, but that’s her promtping, not me asking.
I’m a little confused by the grammar. Bear with me. Is “she” your friend, bringing stuff over to her grown kid’s place, or is “she” the girlfriend, taking objects out of your friend’s home without asking? Two very different scenarios.
My mother and grandmother love to bring stuff to my place that they think I don’t/won’t/can’t get on my own. Exotics like sponges and dishsoap and toilet paper and Post-it notes. I think they’re very sweet and like to “help out” and I love them for it, even if I’m drowning in Post-its I haven’t used yet.
When I’m at my mother’s, I might say, “Oh, I noticed an extra can of [blank] in the pantry that’s so much more expensive on the North Side. Can you spare it, Mommy dearest?” And she always says yes, and I don’t think that’s stealing. Mooching, perhaps. But it also means that next time she’ll bring me a can of [blank] instead of more Post-its, so it’s a win-win.
I’d NEVER take something from her house without asking first, and I wouldn’t dream of pilfering my boyfriend’s mother, or even my in-law’s. That’s just tacky, and it is stealing.
Wow, very rude. I probably wouldn’t even eat there without asking, you know, “Is this food in the fridge for something? No? Ok - do you want some, I’m going to heat it up.” I’d never take anything home. I’m an adult now and have been independent for a long time. I’m a guest at my parents’ house and would act like one.
But the OP asked if parents would allow their kids to take stuff, and I’d feel the same way. Honestly, if my non-existent daughter started scarfing stuff like toilet paper, I’d start worrying. How come she can’t even afford toilet paper? Is something wrong? Does she need help? However, if she asked for it, even just saying they’re tight this month, I’d have no problem giving it to her, provided I could afford it.
Well, that’s the part that really annoys my friend. Her daughter is supposedly living with the boyfriend and his parents, but they don’t have basic items (for the whole family). When she takes a roll of toilet paper, my friend knows it’s not just for her daughter; it’s a community item.
I wouldn’t bother to take toilet paper, I can buy some of my own. But if something wasn’t convenient, sure, I’d take it from my parents’ place. Maybe I’d ask, but maybe not. I’m sure my mom would say yes anyway. I can usually tell what’s needed for a meal for the night, and I wouldn’t use that. I only moved out a couple of years ago, it’s still my permanent address, I still have a key and hang out there a lot, even when my family isn’t around.
An amusing turn-around, though - I prefer to cook at my parents’ house, since they have a nice kitchen. So I bought the ingredients I knew my mom didn’t have for some scones and a barley dish, including three peppers. I made the scones but didn’t have time to make the barley, so I left the peppers in the fridge. A few hours later, I noticed my mom cutting up the peppers to serve them to some guests who were coming over!
Speaking as a parent, I would find it a little odd if my children felt the need to ask first. They’re my kids, they can help themselves to anything reasonable. (I’m not talking about stealing heirlooms.)
I should say that I assume it goes both ways, if I need a quart of milk or something and I can’t get to the store.
I support them now - what’s the difference?
It would never occur to me to object if my kids ate some of my food or used some of my household goods. That’s why I buy stuff.
I got more than I can use. Who has a better claim than my kids?
Regards,
Shodan
PS- Did I mention my daughter got straight A’s, again? Did I mention my son’s ski team is undefeated, and aced his trig test? Did I mention my nephew made academic All-American?
Sorry, but I’d consider it stealing. I would never do that. If I needed something, I’d ask (but I’d really, really have to need it). I doubt those same kids would be okay with mom raiding THEIR fridge/taking their toilet paper. Moving out means you’re independent of the other, and that there is no more “what’s yours is ours” crap. What’s yours is yours, what’s mine is mine, and if I need something that is yours, I ask.
If the mother has a fair idea of what the daughter is helping herself to, then I’d suggest she make a list, w/ the cost of each item, and present it to the daughter. I think it might make the point.
Ah, see, that’s another thing. Helping your daughter is one thing. Helping her extended family is another.
I guess it all depends on how we are raised and the level of comfort we have with our parents. I think even Shodan might object the tiniest bit if what he had specifically planned for tonight’s dinner was suddenly gone with no explanation! I do think it’s rude when you’re an adult to take things…but it really is just IMO, and judging by this thread, the opinions are all over the map!
It would annoy me to no end to know that an entire family was going without toilet paper and my daughter was living there, but it still boils down to taking things without permission. I’m in the corner with those who think when you move out, independence is implied. Occasional help from parents to kids is also implied, but “help” means you’re agreeing to the assistance. When someone just takes something, you have no input in the matter.
I can’t even remotely imagine doing this but the relationship between me and my mom is so casual that I hesitate to speak very much on it. I don’t really know what a “normal” relationship is between a mother and child. I’ve seen it, but not experienced it. So I’m afraid any comments I make will stem solely from my experiences and not a cool look at the topic.
I guess that’s just a different family philosophy. Despite having moved out, my parents’ house is still my home. I act no differently than when I used to live there - I STILL wouldn’t use/eat what was planned for dinner, but pretty much everything else is fair game. My parents would be horrified if I felt differently.