Do you do things for others out of guilt?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I told a friend I would help her with something even after saying No to her a few times already. I guess I finally gave in because I felt bad for saying No. Now, the day I am supposed to go help, I’ve decided it’s just not something I want to do and have canceled at the last minute.

I feel bad but I also realize I should just be strong enough to stick with my “No” when I say No and not succumb to these things out of guilt.

I’m hoping she won’t resent me for canceling at the last minute, but I’m not sure.

Does anyone else do this to themselves?

2

I guess I’m really a bad friend :frowning:

3

I often find myself helping friends with things I don’t want to help with just because no one else is able to.

One of my best friends has no car, and lives 45 minutes away from me. Every weekend I find myself driving out there on Friday night, and taking her home on Sunday afternoon. I tell myself that she’s my friend and I love her, and I don’t want her stranded out in the middle of nowhere on her only days off, and that if I’m not hanging out with her, I’d just be sitting home by myself, yadda yadda yadda … And as a result, it’s been months since I had a weekend to myself. I feel guilty for not wanting to spend every waking weekend moment with her, and I’d feel even more guilty if I told her I couldn’t come get her for the weekend, because then we’d both have nothing to do.

So, I’m a horrible friend, too.

4

Welcome to my world, dreamer.

I’m an only child, my dad’s not in the picture and my mom moved here when I had a baby 3 years ago. She gave up a halfway decent job to come be with her granddaughter. As soon as she moved, my grandmother sold her vehicle, and then my uncle basically pulled the rug out from underneath her and informed her that she was NOT moving back home because my grandmother is happy living alone (mom was living with her before then). Then she fell sick with diabetes and a TON of other stuff. That’s just the cliff notes version of the story; of course I can’t explain my family dynamics to you.

Now she’s trying to get on disability and can’t work. If she works, she loses her medical card. If she loses that, she’s dead in 2 months. She couldn’t work even if the disability people would allow her to, she’s too sick. The situation is impossible.

I’m in college and broke. I give her $50 a month to watch the baby while me and DH are in class. My 85 year old grandmother kicks in with another $100 (that she can’t really afford, either). Yep, $150 a month. Her apartment is free (HUD) and she gets food stamps (not enough), but paying all her utilities on $150 a month is still hard. She literally has NOTHING unnecessary.

Giving her money drives my DH crazy because she lived with us for a year when she first came here, and it was horrible, wiped out our savings and plus it was generally just hell on earth. And plus the only reason WE are getting by is because we go into debt up to our ears every semester with student loans just so we can live. We can’t afford to pay her, really, but I don’t think it’s right to not pay her at least a little bit. If she wasn’t around to watch the squirt, I’d have to send her to a stranger every day and it’s worth $50 a month to me to know someone I trust is with my baby.

If I cut mom off, her electricity goes off and I feel like a rotten horrible daughter. If I keep helping her, I’m the bad guy with DH (well mostly he sees her as the bad guy but it still causes problems between me and him). My uncle has money, but his bitch wife has him by the balls and so he’s supporting about half of HER crazyass family. I am screwed no matter what I do. The only transportation she has, besides me, is the bus system, that runs once an hour and stops going to her apartment complex at 7pm. It can literally take a whole day to run one errand. If I don’t haul her around all the time, I feel guilty because it’s my fault she moved here to begin with. If I do, it’s even more money out of our pockets, not to mention a huge chunk of time and energy. I. Can’t. Fucking. Win.

Do I have guilt? Little bit, yeah.

5

I do things out of guilt or confused feelings of duty all the time. I was going to post a story or two, but I think Abbie Carmichael is in need to greater sympathy.
<inept, yet comforting pat on shoulder for Abbie>

6

Does she really have no other friends or family? I bet if you told her that you needed a weekend to do your own things she would understand. Plus that might give her a chance to realize she is on her own and can’t always depend on you for everything. Maybe it will force her to make new friends or find ways around on her own.

And I don’t think your a horrible friend at all.

I agree that it’s not a bad deal to pay her $50 to watch your baby. When my Dad was still around he was disabled and basically living alone (his wife did not care about him at all). I surfed around online and found quite a few agencies that will help in times like these. Not only did he get Meals on Wheels, but there were programs where they would send people out to just visit and keep them company and also take them to the Dr and other errands, all this for free. Look around and see what you kind find. There has to be some social service agency in your community. It sounds like you need some help and it’s out there if you look for it.
It sounds like you two do a lot for people you love and that’s honorable. Makes me feel a bit crappier about my deeds, but thanks for sharing your stories.

7

dreamer, although I can’t really think of any major examples, I know exactly what you’re talking about, and I don’t think that makes you a bad friend. Just the fact that you’re worried about it makes me think you’re probably a pretty darn good friend.

It’s been my experience that no matter how much you do for someone, it’s not going to make them like you any more. (not that you’re trying to make her like you, but you know what I mean, yeah?) You could be willing to do anything in the world for someone, and they could just end up abandoning you in the end. (it’s happened to me) I say be a good friend to friends who are good to you. Don’t give too much of yourself or you will end up feeling like you’ve been walked all over.

8

A dissenting opinion:
There’s nothing wrong with telling a friend no repeatedly and you certainly are never obligated to do something that you don’t want to.
However, once you commit to something, you need to stick to it unless there are extreme extenuating circumstances.

Look at it this way.
Let’s say I asked friend to help me move.
Let’s also assume that I needed to be out of my apartment on that date and no later.
I rented a van and was packed and all ready to go
At the very last minute my friend calls reneges.
I’d be really pissed.
Now, if he’d said, “Sorry, no can do" from the beginning, I could have lined some one else up or even hired movers.
So yes, by not sticking by your original no and then canceling at the last minute instead, I do think that you were acting like a bad friend.

9

Well, fortunately it wasn’t a situation like that. Thank you for your honesty.

10

I’m at home caring for my parents. I’ve no idea why since my mother has gone out of her way to be a rotten aul bitch to me my entire life and my dad treats me with anything from casual indifference to outright contempt. I can only think it’s like Principal Skinner once said “I have to pay her back for feeding me from birth to the present” [may not be exact quote - feel free to correct :smiley: ]

11

And thank you for taking my comment in the spirit it was offered and not getting angry.