I pit myself for being selfish

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m sitting here racked with guilt because after my mother’s death, all I can think about now is my own free time, and my own life.

Our home is littered with documents that still need filing or shredding.

Furniture that my brother brought home with him, with no where to put it until we get mom’s room cleaned out and painted.

Furniture and garbage filling the garage because we need to pay for someone to come and haul it away.

Documents I have to put together and get off to our lawyer.

A pile of thank you cards that are as of yet still unsent after a month and a half of sitting on my coffee table.

Books I hoped to read, music I hoped to listen to, a guitar, banjo and keyboard gathering dust.

“I’ll finally have time for my hobbies once I graduate and start my job,” I thought. Now I’m seeing my free time evaporate. Paying bills, running the cat to the vet, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, cleaning the kitchen, mowing the lawn, hoping to find the time to powerwash the moss off our siding, still needing time to find time to eat and exercise.

I’m realizing that any dreams I ever had are going to have to be put on hold for the forseeable future. And it upsets me. And I’m an asshole for letting it upset me. There are more important things than what I want right now. But it just doesn’t feel fair. I spent the last five years of my life putting off…everything. Because my family had expectations for me. I had expectations for myself. And so everything but studies and my job were basically put on hold. “Oh, I’ll have plenty of time for this when I graduate. I’ll have plenty of time for that when I graduate.” And now I have. And I don’t. This isn’t how I wanted my life to begin.

I would cut down the time I spend outside of work with the new group I’m hanging out with, but socializing is TOO important. Especially for me, and especially now. I’ve delayed myself gratifications that by rights I should have pursued in college.

I need therapy. I’m literally going to kill myself with self-induced stress before I’m 30 if I can’t get the knots in my brain sorted out. And where as before that would have simply been a horrible thing, it’s now no longer an option for me. My sister still has a year of high school left, and then 4 years of college, and I’m officially responsible for her now. And by the time I’m done raising a sibling, I hope to be at least partly towards raising a family of my own.

It just doesn’t feel fair. I’m 23 and should be starting my life. The world should be my oyster. I used to listen to 3 albums a day, but now can’t find the time to listen to any, I used to feel inspired to write melodies. I wanted to write music. I wanted to learn to play those dust-gathering instruments competently. I wanted to read and write poetry. I wanted to read classic literature. I want to do so many things that just seem so futile right now. I haven’t felt inspired since my mom got sick. And now I just feel…selfish.

2

You aren’t selfish. Not in the least.

3

Soapbox Monkey, you’ve just stumbled into one of my personal crusades.

Simply put: It is not always wrong to act in a selfish manner.

Basically, it is neither smart, nor healthy for anyone to subvert all their own goals, interests and desires to some obligation to family, friends or the world in general. First off, it’s completely unfair to you. You have the right to be as happy as anyone that you’re trying to sacrifice to ensure their happiness. More importantly, as you’ve recognized, you can only suppress your needs for so long before it starts to interfere with your ability to help those around you.

If you’re feeling that you’re starting to disappear into the obligations you see around you, ask yourself this: If you allow those obligations to overwhelm you, will your brother and sister be able to deal with them without you?*

If your answer is yes, it seems to me that it’s time for them to start taking up some of the slack. If your answer is no, it seem to me that your first, and most pressing obligation is to see to your physical and mental health. Because if you lose either of those you’re going to be creating long term problems for your loved ones. It is your pure and simple duty to take some time for yourself, and your goals, even while you’re dealing with all this other crap.

FTM, putting all your emotional energy into living for some mythical future isn’t healthy, nor smart. One can end up unable to reconnect with those emotions even after the situation that you were trying to get through is finished.

Now, having said that - I’m not sure what practical advice we can give you to free up time for yourself, now. You’re the person on the scene, and all I can say for certain, now, is that you need to make time for yourself, to keep yourself sane and healthy.

One thing that does come to mind, however, is that it seems like you’re dealing with all your various obligations dealing with your mother’s estate in a hap-hazard manner, so the sheer sum of all the things that need to be done are overwhelming you. With the effect that you feel that you can’t get it all done, so often nothing is getting done. Which might be part of the reason that those thank you notes haven’t been sent.

If this sounds like a reasonable analysis of one of your problems, take the time to make up a list of every thing that needs to be done regarding her estate. Assign a priority to each item, in a planned manner - not hap-hazard as things come in, or as they catch your attention. And then when you have that prioritized list, set aside, say, an hour a day, or two hours every other day, to work on the highest priority things on the list. And then stop. Taking little, planned steps may not give you great feelings of accomplishment, but they will assure that the tasks will get done. And by dedicating even a small amount of time daily, in a planned schedule you’ll probably find that you’re doing more and more effectively than you had been while you were freaking out over the totality of everything that needed to get done, and doing nothing constructive during those freak outs.

If you can’t do the same with all the chores that you’re facing, try going about it the other way: Set aside an hour a day that is yours. That you do something for no other reason than that you want to do it. Practicing your instruments, reading, working on a hobby, even just gazing at your navel, if that’s what you want to do. Tell yourself, and everyone living with you that during this time you are to be completely left alone, and unless the house is burning down, they’ll have to deal without you.

Just some brainstorming, I hope it might help.
*“And have you stopped beating your wife, yet?” I know it’s an unfair dichotomy I’ve established, but I’m trying to make a point.

4

Since I have no personal ability to comprehend what you’re going through, I’ll simply offer a book recommendation: A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers. It is a hilarious and poignant memoir about a guy who lost both parents in the space of about 3 months (his mother to cancer and his father to a freak heart attack), and he found himself having to raise his little brother when he was barely in his twenties. Maybe it would bring you some comfort to know other people have gone through it too. The book is not much of a downer and actually made me laugh out loud throughout most of it. It’s aptly titled.

Also, it’s perfectly normal and probably healthy for you to be self-centered to some degree, especially in light of everything you’re going through. What happened isn’t fair. You might have no choice but to deal with it, but if you refuse to accept your feelings about it you’re going to have a lot harder time. Whatever you feel, it’s okay. Stop feeling guilty for who you are. You are going to have those feelings whether you want to or not, so just let them in and stay strong and have faith that things will get better.

5

If you need some help with the time/project management aspect of dealing with your mother’s estate and other similar issues, may I suggest David Allen’s Getting Things Done method? There’s a book by the same title, or a good website about the system is www.43folders.com. It’s really good at helping you to focus on what the next action you need to take is - in other words, instead of knowing “God, I need to clean the garage” and having that be so overwhelming that you never get started on it, you say to yourself “What is the very next thing I need to do about the garage?” and you end up with a next action like “Call Vinnie and have him pick up that fridge” which is something you can actually do. There’s more to the system than that, but the thought patterns it helps you cultivate are really useful.

On the other front - since when are you not allowed to be selfish? We have a word for people who never let them do stuff for themselves - “martyrs”. You have GOT to take some time for you. If it helps you, go ahead and schedule some time for you. You’re not doing anybody else any good by running yourself ragged and not taking care of yourself, and then feeling guilty when you try to do right by yourself.

6

And once you make that list, delegate to brother and sister. Some of those things you may need to do yourself, but thank you notes are totally appropriate for one of the others to coordinate. Shredding? ditto.

Also, take some of the money that would have been going to student loans and hire a housekeeper. In round figures this is between $50-100 every time they clean. You can afford it for a few months.

Finally, I agree about the therapy. It sounds like you have a good job with good benefits. Most such companies have what’s called an employee assistance program. They specialize in short-term counseling for stressful life situations. They will often offer 8 free sessions. Anyone who would think less of someone for getting some counseling to deal with the death of a parent is not worth worrying about. Even if it’s a little voice inside your own head.

7

First, welcome to adulthood. Yeah, it sucks sometimes. You never have the free time you thought you would.

Second, it’s time to start asking for help. Your sister is about to be a senior in high school? Then she can clean a bathroom and cook dinner. Don’t put ALL the work on her, of course, but discuss things with her and split up the chores in some manner that you can both live with. Who knows, maybe she loves doing laundry, and is willing to do your laundry, freeing your time up for mowing the lawn. Think outside the boxes you’ve put yourselves in.

If both of you really hate housework, maybe it’s time for you to split the cost of a housekeeper - either a professional or one or two of her friends from school.

It’s good that you’re taking the time to hang out with your friends. At 23, friends are still a huge part of your life. Ever think about having some of them come over for a “Clean Sweep” garage party? Buy a couple cases of beer, set three tarps up on the driveway with three signs on them: Keep, Sell (or Donate), Toss. Your friends can ask you where stuff goes, you make three piles together, and then put all the Keep stuff back in the garage. Heck, you could even bring the dusty intsruments out there when you’re done and have an impromteau garage band jam! (Enough beer and you’ll all sound good - to yourselves, anyway.) Give your friends what furniture and stuff they want (At 23, you must have friends who don’t have a dining room table yet), and the next morning, yard sale the rest. Have people pay YOU to take away the things you don’t need.

8

Soapbox Monkey, I’m really sorry to hear about your mom’s death and with how much guilt and stress you’re struggling with right now. As others have said, you haven’t done anything to feel guilty about, and should stop beating yourself up. A death doesn’t mean your own life should stop, and that you should transform from a normal person with needs and wants to a saintly two-dimensional mourner who lives only for the deceased. I’d recommend getting that therapy, just so you have a neutral party to work all these feelings out with.

Also, I’m moving this thread to MPSIMS, so it can get the visibility and advice of others who have gone through what you’re going through.

9

As the others have said, it’s okay to be “selfish” sometimes. You have to take care of yourself first to be able to take care of anyone else. You need to have at least some time to yourself to do things you enjoy to maintain your sanity.
It’s good that you’re planning to get some therapy. I also like the idea of trying to do a “Clean sweep” party to help you organize things a little. Don’t be afraid to ask others to help you if you find it’s just too much for you.
Hope things get easier for you soon.

10

Everybody has given you good ideas so far. I’m just going to say, stop beating yourself up for the way you feel. You sound as if you think you’re somehow being disloyal to your mom by thinking of yourself instead of her. I think some of this may be part of the whole process of mourning. Life changes when someone dies, no matter who it is. Dealing with the changes is part of the whole process of dealing with the death. Give yourself time to get adjusted, be gentle with yourself, and let people help you. You might even get that room painted if you supply some pizza and background music. Don’t try to carry the whole burden yourself.