I always envisioned myself as diving into my hobbies and passions with both feet if my mate were to pass before me. It seems the opposite is happening, I am not doing anything. I try to force myself to go out and have coffee at least once a day but I am lucky if I do that every other day. I had several writing and archery projects I was probably spending about 8 hours a day on and wishing for more, now I am lucky to put in an hour or two. I finally cleaned the house yesterday, once I got started it felt good.
I pull up my writing projects a few times a day, stare at it for 5 min or so then close it back out. It has been 45 days since she passed and I am getting better each day. I have longer periods of peace where I don't see her in the hospital bed with all the tubes. I can't imagine living such an uninspired life for very long and I expect i will be pulling out of it in a timely fashion. I am strongly considering the possibility of becoming celibate and eliminating the option of future relationships. If I could just get myself back to work I think I could be very happy and satisfied being alone. If I don't get back to work I don't see a good outcome.