[Long ramble ahead. I apologize.]
As many of you know (probably because I keep babbling on about it), my husband died in November. And it just now seems that I’m beginning to really deal with the fallout from that. Not just the normal stuff like sadness and depression (because I have a whole other host of mental issues that play a part too), but I’m terrified of trying to start over on my own with so many problems to overcome.
I haven’t worked since 2010 and that wasn’t anything strenuous, just a stint as a program director for Meals on Wheels. Part-time at just four hours a day, it was no big deal. Even with diminished capacity, I could (mostly) keep up. Since then, all I’ve done is caregiver nonstop. So, I now need to re-enter the work force and do so around my limitations. As such, I’m cleaning houses. It’s great (although I don’t have much clientele yet), but I’m worried I won’t be able to survive / keep it up / what-have-you.
I thought my mental health was relatively steady. I see a therapist once a month and I was in grief counseling until about a month ago. I’ve been getting out, seeing friends, going to church and staying occupied, but not to the extent that I never cry or feel down or think about him. I thought I was taking pains to make sure I was staying on top of dealing with the loss.
But lately, the last couple of weeks have been hell. I still pretty much do the above stuff, but I’m a zombie the rest of the time. Things aren’t getting done at home until it’s a must, which in turn makes me feel worse, as I become overwhelmed with responsibilities that now fall solely to me. I’m behind, more depressed, have had fleeting thoughts of suicide again (don’t worry, they’re not the least bit active thoughts), am easily taxed by everything and just generally see no point in fighting an uphill battle to beat the odds that I’m just faking all this shit anyway. It’s simply another thing that’s draining the life out of me and I can’t pray or talk it away.
- Apart from severe financial difficulties, I have one huge area of stress that I absolutely cannot get out from under and, as of yet, haven’t figured out any way to deal with it… my mother. She is extremely emotionally abusive to everyone in her life, and because she has access to my elderly father (which I would be denied if I cut ties) and owns the home I live in, I’m stuck. I’ve discussed her with every psychologist I’ve had over the past twenty years and I’m no more clear on what the hell to do here than I’ve ever been. For the record, there isn’t a person alive who has met her that doesn’t believe she’s got a borderline personality disorder. Of course, there’s no way to ever verify that, as all doctors are idiots. :rolleyes: Regardless, her constant evil Sybil schtick is contributing to my mess.
Gah. I need help.
Anyway, there’s all that. So, what is one to do when they’re crazy, broke and related to Cruella? I don’t need much to keep afloat, but I’ve got to find some way to do so with my sanity intact. A book on interacting with unlovable and hateful people? A website on confidence when building a business? Something to explain how to cope with mourning when you’re already nuts? I’ll take anything because there’s nothing more that I want to do than prove I can do this. Not necessarily to others, but myself.
Any and all advice will be appreciated. Bless you for reading all this and letting me vent. Thanks.