It's been 3 months..... Help with fear

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Thanks for more information about your mother. Useful advice above. My 2ȼ:

There are three separate interfaces with your mother that you’ve identified:

  1. Your dad
  2. Her as landlord
  3. Her in general

#1 is clearly the most important to you. I’m assuming that you and he are unable to maintain a relationship separate from her, and that that is unsolvable.

#2 is probably difficult for financial reasons. So: once you get to a better financial place, move. I think you should assume that you are NOT in the will, for two reasons: (1) it removes some of her power over you, and (2) it means you don’t have to rely on an unreliable person. Don’t tell her you’ve decided this, mind you.

#3 is more solvable. Again, take this for what it’s worth, but could you view her as a force of nature, like summer heat or mosquitoes? That way she’s something you endure, but it’s a lot less personal. Every time she has an outburst, treat it as an earthquake and look around to see if any glasses are broken. You don’t try to get an earthquake to listen to you; you just try to batten down the breakables and live with it.

Again, best of luck!

22

Ah, my old friend faithfool…I wish I had good advice for you!
I wish life got easier, instead of harder. But we’ll all get through it. Somehow!

Know that you’re in my thoughts.

23

Faithfool, you are in my thoughts and prayers. my mother had a personality disorder as well (narcissistic) that warped my whole life. So, I feel for you in ways that those who had good parents cannot possibly understand. You need to give yourself more time, and understand that it is needed to grieve and begin to gather strength to go on.

Put yourself first for now, you need it. ((((hugs))))

24

Thank you all so much for the replies. [Trying not to catastrophize here…] Today has not been, um, a good one. So I’m really going to think on all this stuff for the night and get back to you all tomorrow. I hope y’all understand. And truly, I appreciate all the help, suggestions and kind words. The support here is always such a blessing.

25

Regarding your housecleaning, you said “It’s great” and that stands out as one real positive in your entire post. I suggest concentrating on it, to extract pleasure from the sense of accomplishment, set a goal to build a financially and emotionally rewarding business, which would also keep your mind and body active. As one whose career path started in a service business (Lawn Maintenance), I have seen quite a few success stories. People that started with a pick up truck, lawn mower and a few hand tools, building to very profitable businesses, owning hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of equipment, and employing quite a few people. I have also seen housecleaners that started with their supplies and a car, build very successful businesses with multiple crews and vehicles.

I know it’s not easy, I couldn’t do it. Some kids that worked for me did though. Better work ethic or business sense. Point is, it can be done. But even in a smaller sense, making a living, being your own boss and being busy can be very rewarding.

Depression, for me and others I know of, is much less severe when one is productive and busy. Of course, not always, but I don’t think it would hurt and very likely, greatly help. Optimistically, it could ease your financial difficulties, your depression and give you more independence regarding your mother, the three big issues I quoted above. My thought is concentrating on just the one issue, makes it easier to focus and that one issue may very well make the others much better.

My very best wishes to you, faithfool

26

There’s a verse in Ephesians: “parents, do not exasperate your children”. Exasperate means “to make someone lose hope”. The day I accepted that any hope of my mother becoming a human being was a waste of effort was, curiously enough, the day our relationship started to improve. She hasn’t gotten any better, but the emotional distance means that now she’s irritating where previously she’d send me to the pits of despair.

Parents shouldn’t exasperate their children, but if you have an exasperating parent, losing hope they’ll grow up can be a surprisingly good thing.

27

faithfool, I sent you a PM.

28

Situational depression by dint of living with an abusive parent is compounding the situational depression from having lost your spouse. There’s nothing you can do to make the 2nd situation better, you can’t run from it. Therapy will help you cope, and you have my best wishes in that regard. But you can (and in fact must) rid yourself of the 1st. It’s not easy to give up the comfortable and familiar. But if you want to get well, you must cut ties with your mother. If you don’t have a friend to crash with, you can go to a women’s shelter. They would get you the help you need to start living independently.

My mental health did a massive 180 when I was no longer under my mother’s thumb. You can do this.

29

Plus it sounds like just plain old depression with some possible mental health issues running in the family.

My county runs supported employment services for mental health. It may be worth looking into whether something similar is available where you are.

30

I shortened what Billfish said a bit, but I agree. Unless your mother is depending on the money to live day-to-day, and perhaps even if she is, walk away. There is a world of possibilities here that you might not ought to feel obligated to pay a debt you were manipulated into in the first place. But, in the end no matter the exact circumstances this is a situation in which you should consider declaring an emotional bankruptcy and walking away. You will never clear the debt.

As someone who works in this system, I know my state has programs exactly as described above. Your state almost certainly has them. Check with your therapist, or your local county mental health agency or board. Supported employment programs will help you connect to the very services you need. They will also probably be able to reach out to housing resources in your area.

As for your Dad, does your state have a department or agency on aging? They might have the authority to investigate his situation. There are options including appointed guardians.

Help is out there, they just need to know.

31

I don’t have any good advice for you, faithfool. But I want to let you know that I am cheering for you!!!

32

I so agree with everyone here about the time factor. After my husband died, I made a point of not trying to make any life-altering decisions for the first six months. I was fortunate in that my mother was also a widow and was able to talk me through a lot of the process. The few decisions I did make during that first few months weren’t good ones, and I can barely remember what I did or what my rationale was for doing them. After six months had passed, I had a clearer view of everything. Nothing had changed, really, but the mental fog had lifted.

For me, salvation came through my work. I needed a reason to keep getting up in the morning and having positive interactions with other human beings, and work gave me the opportunity to do that. I did have an existing job, though, so wasn’t faced with the prospect of learning something new. That may well have been too stressful for me at that point. I’d agree with those who’ve said that if you don’t absolutely need to work for a while, it would be a good thing to wait a bit. If you do have to work, but don’t have a job to walk back into, I’d consider a temporary agency. That way, if the stress gets too much for you, you can walk away no harm, no foul, without affecting your job prospects in the future. And possibly, like me, you might find it therapeutic to be forced to get out into the world and deal with people.

Mostly, go easy on yourself and be patient with the grieving process. You have just gone through the worst thing life has to over other than the death of a child. Give yourself some time to process it all. Be kind to you. You deserve it.

And finally, get some counseling or join a peer group for a while. I always pooh-poohed all that touchy-feely stuff as being good for other people, but I didn’t need it! Wrong. I didn’t need it forever, but for a little while, it was good to talk about what had happened with other people who had been through it and could understand. Your friends all want to help, and will try, but until you’ve walked in those shoes, it’s tough to give you the help you need.

33

This, and that. hugs

34

I admire your courage. You are identifying problems and looking for solutions just three months after losing your husband after what appears to have been a long battle with illness. I would share your concern if it was three years, but don’t fret three months.

My suggestion (FWIW) is pick a battle and win it. You mentioned the house is not in the shape up to your expectations. Pick a room and conquer it. My approach would be to put on some music I like and crank up the volume (for you, whatever distraction entertains you, heck do it in the nude if that trips your trigger), take on one room and make it spotless to your liking. Treat yourself for a job well done. Let the rest of the house stay as is but maintain that one room. Then move on to the next room from there, before you know it the house will be back to where you expect it to be. Do the easy stuff first.

I don’t have much advice for dealing with Mom, but I would take the same approach with her, one battle at a time.

On edit, That seemed long and rambling and probably does not fit most of your problems. Hopefully the concept is useful in other areas of your life.

35

You are doing just fine and doing the right things. One more thing to do is to get away from mom!

Craigslist.org has roommate situations which are very affordable. Easy to move out of where you are living without too much money.

Another option is to move in with an elderly person who needs in-home care. Or maybe just meals cooked for them and a bit of shopping/house cleaning done. You would get free rent and also paid. Check with your local senior center or senior services in your area.

36

Hugs to you. You’re not weak, or crazy, and it’s not wrong to still be depressed and lonely.

Everyone has had really good advice for your financial and emotional well-being (seriously - get out of that house and just give up being in the will. No money is worth that sort of emotional blackmail) so all I have to add is this:

Get a physical exam? You mention being tired and beat-down, and yes absolutely those are signs of depression, but you’re in therapy and on meds, and this seems to be a recent downturn. Lots of physical ailments can mimic depression: thyroid problems are the most common, but even something like a bad bout of asymtomatic flu or an infection can really leave you ragged and tired and draggy. If not, at least then you have the satisfaction of knowing you’re healthy and in good physical shape to do your housecleaning work that seems to make you feel brighter.

All the hugs, and thinking such good thoughts for you.

37

Sorry for the delay, everyone, but I have lots of good news. :slight_smile:

First, I had enough room with my meds to increase the dosage, so my doctor has bumped them up some. Hopefully, that’ll help.

Next, spoke again with my therapist and, not only is he willing to work with me on a sliding scale so I can see him more often, but also to trade out some light office cleaning duties for extra visits. That will be a godsend.

Similarly, I thought the local grief support group had completely finished and wouldn’t continue. However, I ran into a friend night before last who assures me that it’s still going on. I’ll be start attending again on Sunday.

As far as finances go, I’ve spent most of the day networking between my church, volunteer organization and other area places I haunt and know folks. The result? I’ve picked up four new customers and one regular, long-term gig. I think the others will be too, but this one will be cleaning out rooms at a resort that constantly deals with business clients on weekend jaunts. It’s perfect and pays well.

Last, I have an aunt who I think literally hung the moon and stars. Unbeknownst to me, she’d been working behind the scenes to (a) get my mother to lower my monthly payment significantly, (b) back off, and most importantly, (c) she’s going to come stay with me a while to help me get back on my feet, contribute to my rent and run interference with her. I know this will work because my mother is absolutely terrified of her and will pretty much just steer clear of me to avoid her. Plus, my aunt does not take any shit whatsoever. So, when I’m dealing with too much mentally, she’ll have no problem doing whatever’s necessary to get me back on track. Yay!!

Now, I just need to get some other things lined up… like getting involved with various agencies that might help me survive the hard stuff. I know my state has lots of programs for assistance, I just need to figure them out. I’ll be going to the local human resources next week. And I’ve also got to make sure I still have access to my dad while my aunt lives with me. Mother has never been physical with him (thank God), but he’s totally got Stockholm Syndrome. I’m sure working around everything will be tricky, but once I brainstorm with some folks (I’ve got an appointment on Tuesday with my pastor and some folks in the church that have dealt with similar situations), I’m optimistic I’ll find a solution.

Anyway, thank you all so very, very much. I appreciated all the suggestions and how much they’ve encouraged me to do better with this, to think outside my warped box. And as always, y’all’s support has been amazing. I know I have PMs to respond to, but my brain is more than a little fried. I hope you’ll understand if I take the night off and just read here and yell at jerks in the Pit. :stuck_out_tongue: But again, thank you. You’ve all been lovely, just like you were while my husband was dying and I’m extremely grateful. I’ll update more as soon as I can. Bless you guys.

Oh, and one more thing… I’m finally feeling a little less afraid. Hallelujah!

38

Wonderful!

39

That…my friends…is the sound of hope!

I’m happy to see a happy message. I “hope” it all pans out, and keeps improving! Hold on to those thoughts in the inevitable moments between the good news.

40

My mom is very independent, emotionally stable and productive. She was a mess for years after my father died. She showered once a week or when someone told her to. She ate when hunger pangs drove her to eat or someone reminded her to eat. She wore the same outfit for days at a time. She went days without sleep then slept for over a day.

Cut yourself some slack. My mother had 4 adult children, a career, financial stability, plenty of family and a history of kicking ass and taking names. She became a vegetable for almost two years. It sounds like you are doing reasonably well.

You may have a host of other issues but you should really consider cutting yourself some slack.

Is there anyone that your mother responds to? Borderline personalities tend to divide the world into good people and bad people and sometimes there is one person that they have put on a pedestal that has great influence over them. It might be useful to express how hard things are for you emotionally to that person, if they exist.