Oh Mental Illness, How You Suck

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Let me count the ways. :frowning:

I’ve detailed my struggles with mental illness here on the boards quite a lot, but not always the improvements. So, this time, it’ll be a bit of both…

Going back to 2009, I spent some time in day hospital trying one last attempt to finally get my shit together. And it worked. I was even able to hold down a part-time job for several years as a program director for Meals on Wheels. I drove a little (a Very Big Deal indeed) and tried to function within a very limited framework. It wasn’t ideal, but it was a start.

Then my husband got very, very sick and I had no choice but to step up to the plate. No one else was going to take care of things now but me, so I reluctantly took over. I didn’t do a very good job, being new to all that again and I basically just sort of held everything together with a wing and a prayer, but it was good enough. And I drove more, cleaned the house a bit better, cooked and took care of him. Life was so-so.

That’s then when we lost our house and the rest went into overdrive. I somehow found the strength (through loved ones, interpersonally and God) to turn back into the person I was pre-breakdowns. I now drove everywhere, cleaned like a dynamo, did the budget, you-name-it. Plus, took care of every last detail for my non-compliant patient. I’m not saying this to toot my own horn, but as contrast for my previously agoraphobic, scared-of-my-own-shadow, neurotic, OCD / depressed (etc, etc) self. I’d come a really long, long way.

But it’s taken it’s toll. I’ve been suicidal in the intervening years, but not nearly as much as my many attempts in the beginning. I’ve struggled to keep my demons and depression under control. However, lately the past (or my fucked up brain chemistry / whatever) seems to be winning again. I can’t shake it.

I do all the things I’d been doing to stay on track. I have a schedule. I get up early, I go to bed early. I get plenty of rest. I exercise. I take my vitamins. I see a therapist (my husband’s) twice a month. I don’t let things slide so they won’t turn into a problem. So, no letting the dishes just languish away in the sink so that it goes from 10 minutes of washing to a mound that you try to avoid. I’m back in church and I’m keeping up on my spiritual pursuits daily. I have a hobby, friends, purpose, things I look forward to. I volunteer some. I work hard at worrying less. All these things, yet here I am. What the hell do I do now?

I’m so tired of feeling like I never truly get ahead with this. Even when it’s quasi drone by for long periods of time, it comes back with a vengeance, occasionally unawares. So far, the best that I can say that has not happened again is zero panic attacks. There’s that.

If anyone has any other suggestions or ideas (or hell, commiseration, sympathy or anything, I’ll take those too), I’d be thrilled to hear it. Thanks for reading this far. And thanks for all the other Dopers, these many years over, who’ve been there in the past. Helped me through shit and listened to me vent. As always, you guys are the best. <3

2

I know how you feel. It’s been bad for me lately too and my shit is no where near as together as yours. Maybe try a different therapist?

3

I’m so sorry. I know it’s rough all over. Gah, makes me so angry that our systems in place don’t do a better job. Of course, that’s probably a rant for another day.

As for switching therapists? We live out in the boonies now and are constrained by what my husband’s Medicare will pay for. And unfortunately, there’s only this fellow. Who, by the way, is great. It’s just that we’ve mainly focused on his issues, not mine. So that’s what’s getting addressed and I need to change that. Thanks.

4

I’ve no advice for you two but sending good thoughts and internet hugs your way.

In cheerier news I just learned that a group of rabbits/hares is called a fluffle in parts of northern Canada.

5

I’m sorry to hear this faithfool.

What happened to your husband? Is he on the mend at all, or is this going to be long term? And how is the living situation now, since you lost your house?

6

I have a dear sister who has experienced similar improvements and setbacks. People compare it to a roller coaster, but that’s not right because a roller coaster is supposed to be fun. The worst thing is once she’s in the trenches, it’s almost impossible to remember that it was not always so.

I do hope that somehow something clicks for you. Mindfulness meditation has been mentioned a lot, and I can see how it could work somewhat. Other than that I have nothing to suggest, but am also sending good thoughts your way.

7

Thank you, Drunky, and that last but made me smile. I needed that. :slight_smile:

Sadly, it is long-term. He has non-alcoholic cirrhosis, plus a host of other issues (for one, he has the same thing [but not as bad] as Robin Roberts from GMA). Right now, we’re battling a terrible bout of Cryoglobulinmenia that is threatening to take some toes. :frowning:

Our housing situation is okay. My folks own a trailer that we’re staying in. It’s not perfect, but it’s much better than being homeless or living with someone who is abusive, which was our only other option. Thank you for asking, gracer.

I’m so sorry to hear that about your sister, Blue Mood. What you describe is absolutely spot on. This most recent occurrence has been going on for about 10 days, and when I’m right in the middle of it, I feel it’d be more productive to beat my head against a wall until it’s bloody. So flipping frustrating.

And meditation is something I should revisit. I’ve tried it in the past, but I’m a worrier by nature (pre-mental health problems even) and it’s almost damn nigh impossible to shut my brain off. However, if it will help, I need to give it another serious go. So, thank you.

8

I keep telling myself, I’ve survived through worse before and prevailed. I can do it again.
Just allow time to pass and it really will get better.

9

Hugs to you, faithfool. I don’t have solutions to offer, just sympathy. Reading over the list of stuff you’ve endured and are enduring, you’ve got my total respect for how well you’ve risen to the occasion. Don’t let your depression take this achievement from you. You’ve done a great job in a very challenging situation.

10

I can’t seem to get the hang of meditating much by myself, but I do really enjoy it if it is guided and in a group setting. I need the structure of being talked through it, otherwise I’m like you, worry sets in and my thoughts wander. Perhaps you could join a nice group of some sort, if you’re interested?

11

(((faithfool)))

Sounds like you need a vacation. I know. Sounds impossible, right? There may be ways to get respite, either through a service or by brainstorming. If you steer the counciling to include your needs, be sure to ask how you could take a break, even if it’s mini-breaks.

The only practical suggestion I can make is paper plates. There have been a couple of times when things were hectic and we decided that not having to do the dishes, too, would be a little less stress. The full treatment would be frozen meals in tossable containers, eaten with paper plates and plastic cups and utensils. Nearly no dishes for a week or two. We even got paper bowls for morning cereal.

We felt guilty about the cost and about creating trash, but we decided it was worth it.

12

Medittation never works more than a few minutes for me. I always stop because I need to pee.

13

I haven’t had much success wth meditation. It doesn’t make me feel better, and sometimes it makes me feels worse. Nothng is worse on your self-esteem than failing at something that seems like it should be a cinch. Sometimes I bail out of my yoga class early just so I don’t have to deal with that painful shavasana.

What has helped me is the opposite of meditation. Exercise. I’m one of those people who can’t walk and obsess at the same time, apparently. Because when I move, I feel peaceful. I often experience clarity and insight during my long walks because productive thinking doesn’t have to compete with all that useless mental jibberjabbering.

Do you have some good music to listen to, faithfool. Music always makess me feel better.

14

FWIW, my lady, I’m sending hugs your way {{{{{Faithfool}}}}}

15

I’ll do these in parts, so they’re easier to read. Hope you all don’t mind.

This is so, so true. It ain’t killed me yet, so I have to believe I’ll survive it. And I know you’re going through stuff of your own, so I really appreciate your comment, PurlpeClogs. I know we’ll both get there.

Thank you, Grrlbrarian, that means a lot. Intellectually, I know I’ve overcome a lot. In my heart, all I see is room for improvement. Ever since I began therapy a million years ago, I’ve tried to quash the negative self-talk, but it’s obviously very difficult to do. Perhaps I need to redouble my efforts, as I didn’t quite realize until your reply that I’ve been slacking and some bad thinking has slipped in. Again, thanks.

16

On the meditation front…

This is a wonderful suggestion! Unfortunately, living way out in BFE doesn’t really afford you much opportunities for such esoteric things. The best there is around here is AA meetings, and although there could be some usefulness for me in that, I don’t think they do meditation. I’ll check some of the few liberal-type churches though. Gracias.

This literally made me laugh out loud. Hahahahaha.

Good point, Monstro. Usually though, I’m not dissuaded because I suck at something. If that were the case, I’d never get anything done. :stuck_out_tongue: As for music? The aforementioned ‘extreme’ country living limits what stations we pick up, I do raid the CD collection from time to time. I think I should do that more often. Typically, I let my husband be the one who does all the music in the house, but if I crank up some old school Donna Summer, that’s bound to make anyone feel better. Thank you so much for the idea.

17

This is so unexpected, yet so practical. In my quest to never fall back into a hole again, I sometimes way overdo things. Something like this would take a lot of pressure off when I’m really not up to snuff, like lately. And I bet if I really gave it some thought (brainstorming, like suggested), I could think of other things too that would be along the same line and de-stress me. You’re a genius, Yllaria! Thank you!!

You’re such a sweetheart, Clothy. Backatcha.

Thank you to everyone for all your help. I’m beginning to feel less “light at the end of the tunnel is a train” and more “silver lining may at least be refundable aluminum.”

18

I always fall asleep while trying to meditate.

19

My therapist taught me a technique called “heart center tapping,” that I use when I’m feeling overwhelmed or unfocused (when I really need to be focused) or all agitated and wound up inside. Using the tips of my middle and ring fingers on my right hand, I tap gently, repeatedly on the center of my chest, about the middle of the sternum. Focus your thoughts lightly on the problem while you tap: “I’m feeling overwhelmed here,” or “I’m afraid I’m getting” worse. Tap for two or three minutes. Usually what happens to me is I’ll start to yawn as the bottled up energy releases and then I’ll gradually realize I’m more focused or less fearful. Keep tapping for a few more seconds until you feel the tension/fear ease completely. You may have to do a few times a day on a really bad day, but it’s better than drinking or drugs. (No need to ask me how I know this.) Yes, I know it all sounds very woo-woo and I feel like I’m taking a risk sharing to this group, but I hope it can be helpful to you.

I’m sending you hugs and good thoughts.

20

Yeah, it does suck. Sorry about things. My only advice is keep trying new therapies. Sometimes I still feel like shit, but there are times when I feel almost totally cured from my PTSD and traumatic memories because in the last year I’ve kept researching my condition, learning new therapies and trying new things.

Its the age of science, maybe someone is inventing a therapy that will make things somewhat better and you have to go find it. That is what is important, just look for those small improvements and hope they add up.