SDMB Ongoing Depression Support Thread

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I propose an ongoing thread for depression support here on the SDMB.

We are a wonderful bunch of people. Some of us are going through some heavy shit, some of us have ass-backwards brain chemistry, and sometimes it’s an awful lot to deal with. I see people reaching out for support, and getting it, in several threads around here, and it seems to me there’s been a recent upswing in the number of us who are feeling sad, discouraged, and alone.

I thought maybe it would be a good idea to have a thread dedicated to depression talk, where anyone can speak up if they need a hug or a pat on the back or help talking back to irrational thoughts. Maybe we can all help push each other through our darker moments.

Before we get to talking, though, I want to stress that we’re not trained therapists here and you should probably be talking to a doctor or counselor for help too. Medication and therapy can do a lot, but you need to get out there and get the help you need. We can listen to each other, though, and sometimes having someone to talk to, someone who’s been there, can help.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (USA, Canada)
1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Other Crisis Lines

2

Checking in:
Treatment resistant depression/general anxiety/social phobia.
Currently on medical leave of absence from work, trying to get a counselor, regularly seeing my doctor.

My biggest problem right now is my lack of motivation to do anything. Like, get out of bed, or shower. Or return a phone call.

BUT, I’m going to force myself to get out of the house today, before dark. Even just to go for a quick drive.

3

Baby steps count! Is it nice enough to go for a short walk? See if any spring flowers are up in neighbors’ front yards?

4

Unmedicated, un-currently-diagnosed-but-boy-do-I-remember-this-feeling-from-last-time Depression with a bonus of Anxiety disorder. :frowning:

I hurt. Like, physically, all over. It sucks. And I’m so distractable, it’s unreal. Cannot focus. Cannot think. Cannot enjoy going out with friends. Sex has gone from several times a day to once or twice a month. This sucks.

I’m fine at work. Totally functional, rocking it out, patients love me, my boss couldn’t be happier. Then I get home and I just…deflate. I distract myself from the pain with the internet, which is self medicating, I know that. And destructive self medicating at that, since my body would probably be much happier if I’d just go for a walk or something…

Got the form from work to fill out so Da Boss can look into group health insurance. Which is great, and I’m really looking forward to being able to see a doctor and get this properly treated. Now if only I had the energy and focus to fill out the form…

5

I know exactly how you feel. I’d be one of those people who, if anything happened to me, most of the people the press would interview would say “But she seemed so happy!” I think we deflate because it’s so fucking exhausting to act happy.

Sounds like it’s a pretty good reason to muster up a little focus! So you’re without health insurance right now, and that’s why you’re unmedicated? That sucks hard. Hope you can get something figured out soon.

6

I guess I’ll toss in my story too.

Depressed since childhood, medicated on and off through my twenties. Found some relief with Wellbutrin and CBT, but have been off the meds for 2 years because we’ve been trying to concieve. they say it’s okay to stay on Wellbutrin, but I was feeling better at the time I stopped the meds, and I thought I would be okay.

Well, since then we’ve been diagnosed with unexplained infertility, had a miscarriage (the same weekend my grandmother died) and many of my family members in Canada are having health issues. I’m feeling guilty about being so far from them. I’m feeling angry and hurt about the infertility. I’m apparently a whole lot more messed up by the miscarriage than I realized, because the due date will be here in 2 months (right by Mother’s Day) and I get worked up into tears and panic attacks if I think about it too hard.

I’ve been good at taking care of my depression. Talking back to irrational thoughts, seeing my therapist… but this is a lot of shit all at once. My therapist has never dealt with infertility and loss, so she’s not really able to relate to what I’m going through. The local chapter of Resolve (National infertility Association) only has one free support group in the area and there’s an extensive waiting list. My therapist tried to get me to let go of the idea of “should”, like when I say I should be able to get pregnant and I shouldn’t have to be dealing with pills and injections and ultrasounds and bullshit. But I can’t let go of the feeling that it should be easier than this, and it’s not fair.

I’ve switched insurance and have new doctors who aren’t as understanding about my mental health issues. I asked my new doc if there was anything she could do to help with my anxiety (I’m pulling the skin off my fingers, biting my lips raw, and not sleeping well) and she said I should meditate. Yeah. Thanks.

Guess it’s time to ask for a psych referral and try the Wellbutrin again. Assuming these new assholes don’t just tell me to go hug a tree and then pull myself up by my bootstraps. I’ve been making all my life decisions based on the fact that I’ll “probably be pregnant soon” and after two years of nothing, that’s starting to look like a bad idea.

I’m exhausted. I’m angry. I miss my family and my country. And I’m feeling like a biological failure.

7

Yes, lack of insurance. I’ve tried a few of my nonpharm techniques that have worked in the past (herbs, aromatherapy, and yes, the dreaded meditation. Yuck.) but not having much luck with DIY this time. Back when I felt this bad and was diagnosed and treated, 15 years ago, Prozac did the trick quite well, and I only needed it for 6 months before I was better enough to be able to manage it nonpharmaceutically. I think that’s where I’m at again. But I need a doctor for that, and I need insurance for that.

Antigen, treat what ya got now, I say. The infertility sucks to hell and back again, and I pray for you that it will be over soon. But let’s put it back to the medical model - if you broke your leg, would you refuse painkillers because you might be pregnant soon? I hope not. I hope you’d take the medications because they’re what you need now, and you’ll change the course of treatment when you become pregnant. Just my 2c.

My problem with the intrusive negative thoughts is that mine aren’t irrational, or shoulds. Mine are “ifs” and “whens” and largely center around fears of my husband dying and fears of being unemployed and homeless (again). I held it together pretty well and, uncharacteristically for me, didn’t talk about it much on the Dope at the time, but now that I have a job, and an apartment, and he’s beginning to feel better*, it’s as if all those fears that I repressed in the three hard years are having a big ol’ conga line in my head at once now. And I can’t dismiss them or transform them, because, yeah, we really are still a single paycheck away from eviction, and he really could die at any moment. I’ve just forgotten that human knack of *healthy *denial and enjoying the present…
*Feeling better, but still an almost 60 year old sedentary smoker with a chronic afib, COPD and history of MI and bowel perforation …so yeah, better, but not healthy…

8

I’m fairly new to this board and yes, this would be of great help for me, (dealing with loss of my mom, pets, an abusive family member, poor health, SAD, finances, isolation, and
i need to stop listing shit now or I’m going to be on another crying jag) but is there anyway perhaps we could get TPTB to make this thread as non pit-able? in other words, this thread and this thread alone ( what you say elsewhere is fair game, but post from here are to be left alone, pitting a comment from here could be a banning offense, as well watched closely for trolls. I don’t need a particular user posting in here that god and/or country music is the cure.every time I make a post. I have no problem with someone mentioning religion but when its every friggin post and they won’t drop it when asked its trolling, and for some bible thumping triggers bad memories. Sure, mention it if you wish but in here, stop when asked.)

this stems from prior experiences and makes me cautious, trolls and douchebags are unfortunately everywhere and support group threads are prime feeding grounds sadly.

9

I was recently diagnosed with dysthymia, basically a chronic low-grade depression that isn’t as dramatic as severe depression but tends to be lifelong unless treated- think Eeyore. I’m currently on Celexa which makes things a tiny bit better but not dramatically; and for a while I was also taking Wellbutrin which gave me more energy but made my anxiety worse (and being just on the Wellbutrin without the Celexa was horrible). I’m still working out a treatment plan with my health providers but for now we’re focusing on my trying to make my life better in small steps.

10

Thank you so much for starting this thread.

Me: Lucky fucking me, I have both dysthymia (perisistent low mood) and Recurrent Major Depressive Disorder. So even when I’m doing well, I’m still not really doing all that well. My whole life I’ve been struggling with the fact that I don’t seem to have as much energy as other people.

One of the most helpful things for me has been a combination of continuous BC (Jolessa) and Wellbutrin. Man, I owe a lot to Wellbutrin. I’m probably doing better over the last few months than I have in maybe ever, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get depressed. It just means I find it easier to recognize when I’m depressed and do something to help. I wish I could say I was getting better all the time, but I almost killed myself last year so progress has not been linear.

My husband and I both feel like we’re getting shat upon by the universe right now. Every year I tell myself, ‘‘This year is going to be better.’’ And every year it seems like things fall apart. The thing that’s getting me the most is that he’s been so miserable his entire time in this grad school program, six years. We move all the time, I don’t even know what state I’ll be living in this Fall. It would be easier if I felt like it was good for him, but it just seems to have done nothing but tear him apart. One week from tomorrow we may find out where we’re going to move this summer… but we might not. It’s a life of constant, persistent uncertainty.

Oh, and my wedding ring was stolen this weekend, while I was right there in the house. Probably the only piece of jewelry I care about is most likely gone forever.

I feel like shit about my job right now, I’m having difficulty focusing and it makes me feel like a lazy slacker. I’m under a lot of pressure at work even though I do love my job, it’s stressful as all hell and I commute 3 hours a day in nasty traffic. I just want to be better. I have only 8 months of experience but I feel like I should be farther along by now.

Despite all this I’m weirdly at peace with my life. I have to admit I’m saddened to see such negative attitudes toward meditation. I get it, it’s not for everyone, but I would hate for someone to not try it based on a couple of negative evaluations. Personally meditation and Buddhism have both made a significant impact on my overall quality of life. There is scientific evidence that meditation, like exercise, causes the generation of new brain cells and raises one’s baseline mood. I created a separate room in the apartment for my altar and I go in and light candles and incense and feel like it’s a place of total serenity. I’m just sayin.’

You know what? It should be easier and it’s not fair. There are times for cognitive restructuring and times for grieving. It sounds to me like this is a grieving time for you. Nothing makes bad feelings worse than thinking you shouldn’t have them.

11

Checking in. Diagnosed but unmedicated. The one-two(-three) punch of a stressful job (major reorganisation underway with everyone reapplying for their jobs) plus a spouse with a stressful job (spilling over into home life) plus a busy homelife and childcare that leaves no time or energy for socializing and lack of family support (due to geography) is bad enough, but trying to juggle all that with the horrible grey weight, day in and day out, is really starting to take its toll. The stress feeds the depression and vice versa.

What I really need is a break from this routine, a couple of days away from work and family to get my head straight. But time, money and work commitments do not allow, alas. I shall push through.

(FTR I’m not suicidal, although I’ll readily admit not a day goes by that it doesn’t pass through my mind at least once. But it’s not remotely my style - promises to keep, miles to go before I sleep and all that. If worse comes to worst I’m more likely to go catatonic than do anything so drastic.)

12

For support groups, I can highly recommend DBSA. The coordinators are trained volunteers and most urban and suburban areas should have at least a couple of in-person groups. Check the site for more information.

For people who seem to have issues in addition to dysthymia and depression or who seem to be treatment resistant, ask about combination therapy. Often times adding a mood stabilizer or atypical antipsychotic can make a big difference. As someone who used to have some serious anger issues, I can tell you that life is much better now that I take a mood stabilizer (aka, anti-epileptic/anti-seizure med).

13

Unfortunately, we can’t really depend on everyone to be nice on the internet. In general, this message board is a lot nicer than other places, and I’d like to think that folks won’t wander in here for the sole purpose of shitting on us when we’re down. But if someone wants to take something I say here and open a pit thread about it, well, it’s their right to do so just as much as it’s my right to do the same to them.

Obviously, if someone is being horrible to someone in this thread, we can report that to the mods and they can intervene if they see fit. But I don’t think it’s realistic (or necessary) to ask the mods to treat this thread any differently than they treat the rest of the board.

14

Ugh. This thread is timely. I just had a breakdown at work last Thursday. Made an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist who changed my medication.

I had bariatric surgery last fall and have been taking a timed-release version of Effexor for years. Apparently, the surgery has made it so that my body is not absorbing the medicine effectively. So he changed the form of Effexor and increased the dose. I can only hope that it’s just that simple.

I’ve been failing at work for months. I was off for 3 months last fall hoping to get my act together. Now he has taken me off work another month. I’ve done this work for 30 years. I should be able to do it with my eyes closed and I can’t seem to function without mistakes every day. I hate it. I blamed my company for a long time but while they are contributing to the crisis, I now think it starts with me.

I hate feeling like this. :frowning:

15

Yeah, the last 6-8 weeks have been like that for me - I’ve been falling behind and making dumb mistakes and having trouble focusing on things that should be simple. It’s a pain when your brain is working against you.

16

I have struggled with depression my entire life but especially so since my spinal cord injury nearly thirteen years ago. I have been treated (mildly successfully) during that time with Zoloft and I have been on it for more than ten years.

Well over the past few years there have been isolated incidences where I have found myself without any medication left and been forced to go “cold turkey” off the Zoloft until the time where I could refill my prescription or get a new 'script written/phoned in. Now, of course, sudden discontinuation syndrome is an absolute nightmare and it was terrible to experience such times; however, during those brutal periods of “cold turkey” abstaining from my SSRI I also experienced some “silver lining” effects.

This “silver lining” consisted of me being able to think and feel in a way that I had not in many, many years. I felt like my old “self”. I felt sharp, lucid and excited to think! I didn’t realize it until I felt this way that I had been missing this aspect of my character for a long time. Soon, however, the blackness of the discontinuation syndrome depression eclipsed any benefit I was feeling from being off the drug and I HAD to resume treatment.

Well after this last, most recent time of being forced to go without my Zoloft for a period of time and experiencing the range of effects from the discontinuation syndrome, I realized that I wanted myself back. I realized that I needed to get off this drug but I needed to do it in the correct way, namely via slow titration. But I knew it was something I needed to do; my mind was clear and sharp and that “fog” that always seemed to be trapped in my head was gone.

So, about 4 months ago, I began the very gradual tapering of my dosage. I bought a pill cutter and reduced my dosage (which was 100mg) by 50% every two weeks; until I was taking just 12.5 mg/day. I took that dose for a week, then nothing. I have been completely off the Zoloft since. And I don’t regret it.

However, it has been MUCH harder than I even anticipated (and I knew it wasn’t going to be easy). The depression that has always been a part of my life has come raging back, full force. It’s not of the nature that a sudden discontinuation will bring about but it is severe and it is something that needs more than just me and my determination.

I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. I could go back on the SSRI and my depression would become manageable again but I feel like I would just be going back to the place I had been languishing in for years without ever moving ahead. I feel like I am in full control of my faculties now, something I didn’t even realize wasn’t in place when I was on the SSRI. But I also feel trapped and paralyzed (haha) by my depression.

So I feel that counseling/therapy is my only option. But I have a terrible history with therapy. I have never really responded to it or gotten much out of it. I have never really had a therapist I have really connected with either, so these things color my opinion of the field as a whole. But I am willing to give it a real try this time. Because I feel like my life, or at least the quality of it, depends on it.

17

It worked well for me too, which is why I think I’m going to get back on it ASAP despite the whole trying-to-conceive thing. It gets me to a place where I can deal with my depression instead of letting it crush me.

I’m not against it in general, but it’s not for me. It makes me even more angry, honestly. I can’t focus, I get frustrated, fuck it. Then I hate myself for failing.

That’s how I feel. I would never kill myself, but sometimes I really wish I could get a really bad case of flu that puts me in the hospital for a few weeks so the world would leave me alone. I’m very passive with my depression. I guess it’s good to be lazy if you’re depressed. Too much bother to put together a real plan.

Ambivalid, have you tried other antidepressants? Maybe there’s one out there that will help the depression and not erase the “you” that you want back.

18

That’s good advice, but the problem is that they will usually just put you on another SSRI unless you specifically say that you want to try something in a different class like an SNRI or other heterocyclic like Wellbutrin.

19

And, did I actually DO that? No, I went back to bed.

20

The best advice I can give is to constantly remind myself of how awesome I am. I literally tell my friends how much of a “fucking beast” I am on a regular basis. It may seem conceited but I really don’t think so. I see no problem in thinking that your awesome and I tell my friends they are “fucking beasts” too.

It’s essentially an affirmation. The world, and even your own mind, is constantly doubting you or telling you how fat/stupid/lazy you are. You have to fight that. You have to voice it out loud that you are actually pretty fucking awesome and can do whatever you put your mind too.

Also, I would recommend Don Miguel Ruiz book “The 4 Agreements.” They are:

  • Be impeccable with your word
  • Don’t take anything personally
  • Don’t make assumptions
  • Always do your best