I had to call my doctor yesterday. I had been thinking I was OK, but I wasn’t. I thought I had things under control, but I didn’t. I had all these good intentions, but no will power to actually do something.
So I decided I wasn’t strong and that I needed help. So I’m back on Zoloft. I called my therapist too, and we had a long talk over the phone. I’m going to see her next week, and maybe she’ll help me stop crying.
It’s not that I haven’t done this before. I’ve had to take my time and just be alone and read books and watch television. But after a while, I’ve always snapped out of it. I have thought, hell I need to get out, and I’ve got out. But not this time. This time, I think to myself, I need to call a friend, go for coffee, get a drink, go dancing, and then I just get tired and plop down on the couch. And then I hate myself for spending yet another night on my own.
I love this place, but sometimes I think it’s not good for me. I live my life vicariously through you guys. I read about the dopefests, and your adventures and I laugh and sometimes I cry. I cry when someone in your family is battling a terrible illness, I cry when your dog dies, I cry when depression gets a hold of you. But my life? It’s not really happening. Sure I go to school, I take my credits, I do the necessary things like laundry and such.
But I feel empty on the inside. I need more than this. I need to have friends who kick my butt sometimes. I don’t feel like I have many friends. Actually, I don’t have many friends, but that’s OK. But most of them live in other towns, in other countries, and I have a hard time making new friends. I go to school with 20-year-olds. I don’t have that much in common with them.
I’m tired and sad. I over-eat. I sleep too much and I spend most of my time in my apartment. There have been days that I haven’t even been outside for a single minute.
There are other things too, but I’m beat for now. As always, I have great intentions (in this case to get things off my chest) but I don’t follow through. I don’t have the energy.
Maybe it’s stupid of me to expect a drug to take care of my problems. I’m really not that naïve. But maybe the meds will give me back some strength and motivation? All I can do is hope.
Thanks for listening.