I'm not doing so well after all

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

sigh

I had to call my doctor yesterday. I had been thinking I was OK, but I wasn’t. I thought I had things under control, but I didn’t. I had all these good intentions, but no will power to actually do something.

So I decided I wasn’t strong and that I needed help. So I’m back on Zoloft. I called my therapist too, and we had a long talk over the phone. I’m going to see her next week, and maybe she’ll help me stop crying.

It’s not that I haven’t done this before. I’ve had to take my time and just be alone and read books and watch television. But after a while, I’ve always snapped out of it. I have thought, hell I need to get out, and I’ve got out. But not this time. This time, I think to myself, I need to call a friend, go for coffee, get a drink, go dancing, and then I just get tired and plop down on the couch. And then I hate myself for spending yet another night on my own.

I love this place, but sometimes I think it’s not good for me. I live my life vicariously through you guys. I read about the dopefests, and your adventures and I laugh and sometimes I cry. I cry when someone in your family is battling a terrible illness, I cry when your dog dies, I cry when depression gets a hold of you. But my life? It’s not really happening. Sure I go to school, I take my credits, I do the necessary things like laundry and such.

But I feel empty on the inside. I need more than this. I need to have friends who kick my butt sometimes. I don’t feel like I have many friends. Actually, I don’t have many friends, but that’s OK. But most of them live in other towns, in other countries, and I have a hard time making new friends. I go to school with 20-year-olds. I don’t have that much in common with them.

I’m tired and sad. I over-eat. I sleep too much and I spend most of my time in my apartment. There have been days that I haven’t even been outside for a single minute.

There are other things too, but I’m beat for now. As always, I have great intentions (in this case to get things off my chest) but I don’t follow through. I don’t have the energy.

Maybe it’s stupid of me to expect a drug to take care of my problems. I’m really not that naïve. But maybe the meds will give me back some strength and motivation? All I can do is hope.

Thanks for listening.

2

Good luck, Soda. I don’t like meds, myself, but if they work for you, good. You look pretty together in your picture, and you’re apparently smart, too. It’s nice to have a real life, though, especially a real love interest; it’s not real clear why you wouldn’t have one, unless there’s no one around who lives up to what ought to be pretty high standards; you deserve the best.
My e-mail is always open to discuss mental health issues, reality, or whatever you want. I don’t have what most people would call much of a life, but I have a supportive family and, since I got online a few months ago, a couple of good e-mail friends, plus a friend in town who needs my support, usually by phone. So electronic relationships have been good to me, so far. I also get feelings of hopelessness and get critical about my self-worth, etcetera.

3

Soda, first my sympathy! I (feel, you may or may not agree) know what you are going through… at least, as best as I can from just reading a post…

I could have written that post myself 5 or 6 years ago.

(I’m not advising here… just relating what worked for ME) I was depressed to the point of doing the unthinkable (which I thought of many times)… I eventually figured that I was gonna give life ONE MORE chance, but do it from scratch!

I quit my job (talking my best friend into coming with me: OK, I chickened out a bit;) ), put all of my stuff into storage, bought a plane ticket, and flew right the F*** out of my old life. On a whim, friend and I decided to fly to Korea, and look for work as English teachers… we had heard that it was relatively easy to find jobs, and it was.

End result (5 years later): I’m happier now than I’ve ever been in my life!

Now, I don’t advocate anything as extreme as what I did; but maybe you should consider a change of scenery… quit your job; or move to a new town; or take up a hobby that you’ve never considered before… you never know what might happen!

Anyways, I’m sending good vibes in your direction, and please know that you’re in my thoughts and my prayers…

4

{{{{{{{{{{{{soda}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I know how difficult it is. I’m bipolar. Hate meds. But if I’m not on my drug cocktail I either go nuts or crash & burn. I’m on Zoloft plus another couple of things right now. Pulled me out of a year long tunnel of depression after I quit (lithium & imipramine) cold turkey. Meds got me back into the real world again. You are right, the online world can be isolating if you let it be. But right now you need to keep talking to anybody who cares & who will listen, and many people here do care about you! Of course, email me if you need to. Depression is a physical condition; once you get better by whatever means your motivation will return, I promise.

soda, stay on your meds. Depression usually goes away by itself eventually, but why wait that long? Keep talking to your therapist. Keep monitoring your progress on the meds; make sure they are effective & right for you. You are strong, you deserve to get your spirit back. If Zoloft helps you do this, then so be it. The drugs won’t change you, they’ll help you change yourself. Give yourself credit for every improvement & accomplishment you make. Be nice to yourself. If you can muster the energy, try to go for walks, join a yoga class, something physically active (raises dopamine levels!) If you can’t bring yourself to do this yet, don’t beat yourself up over it; you’re just not ready.

{{{{{{{soda}}}}}}}

5

Oh… You guys are so sweet.

Yoga class is a brilliant idea. It’s almost as if the words were in bright red. Yoga. I like that.

6

Do the yoga naked.

You can call yourself, “Yoga Bare!”

7

{{{{{Soda}}}}}}

Yoga class is a great idea! In fact, I was just about to pop in my yoga tape and do a little unwinding. It’s relaxing, helps you get into shape…what more could a girl want?

Or you could always join tater’s gang of wimmins. We don’t do much but sit around and gab on email and IM, but it’s a great support network and somehow we’re always talking each other into making great life changes.

And re: the meds. Sometimes you really do need a little outside push. I find they get me to a steadier place so I can take the initiative and do things for myself.

8

And send us the tape!

Seriously, good luck to you. And don’t think that friends have to be geographically close. Thursday I’m flying 1200 miles to meet a friend I’ve had 4 years, but never actually seen in person, and this weekend I will see another friend who I’ve never seen, and I am looking forward to seeing both ladies, as well as several other Dopers.

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I just wanted to say that I hope you feel better soon Soda.

And, yes, yoga is very very cool. :slight_smile:

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Soda, hon, that is strong. It takes an unimaginably large amount of courage to ask for help when you need it. You’re incredibly brave for not giving up, for sharing what you’re going through with all of us. I’m so proud of you for reaching out to your doctor – I know how discouraging it can be to have to switch around/restart medications, but you did the right thing by calling your doctor and your therapist.

Like so many other Dopers, I have struggled/am struggling with depression, so I have some idea of what you must be feeling. Just a couple of days ago, you told me:

This goes for you, too. Whatever you need – whether it’s someone to cry with or someone to have silly, meandering conversation with or something in between – I’m just an e-mail away. Please don’t hesitate to get in touch with me.

Yoga sounds like a smashing idea, by the way. :slight_smile: Let me know how that works, OK?

((((((((((((((((((Soda)))))))))))))))))

11

{{{{Soda}}}}}

Soda, my dear, everyone needs help every now and then. It’s good that you’re asking for it. The 1st step is admitting the problem is there.

Do whatever you feel is going to help. Do yoga, get outside in the sun, start writing in a journal about what you’re going through. Talk to the 20 yr-old’s. You probably have more in common than you think. Like my people say, ‘Focus on the similarities, not the differences’.

They also say ‘This, too, shall pass’. You’ll get through it. We’ll try our best to help.

E-mail me if you need to vent or anything.

12

Dude,

LIFE IS SHORT, YOU CAN’T WASTE YOUR LIFE MAN.
I felt like that, the first time I came to US. Can’t speak English and I looked totally nerd. Hard to make friend.
It took few years until I could adjust to US culture. You need to get a hobby (YOGA is very good idea) and you have to set up a goal in this hobby. I started with working out and set up the goal to be big (not really) and I have something to look forward every single day. I made the goal in 5 years. ON THE TOP OF THAT, You meet a lot of people in gym that have something in common : be healthy or be fit. Other than that you also need to get another hobby that will keep you busy : Join a club (not a estacy club) but like hiking club, kayaking club. It’s fun and healthy. I love to take a risk and love those stuff. If you don’t like to take risk there are other sport club that is not risky.
PLEASE MAN, NO DRUGS. Not that I against it but man, those stuff is only short term happyness and cost you $$$$$$.
Go outside and meet people man don’t stay at home 24 7 . Enjoy life while you can.

Good luck

MR T

13

Hej Soda.
I’m so sorry that you’re not feeling well.
I’m glad though that you’re getting help,
and I think both medicine and theraphi is a good thing.

Been there myself with medicine and theraphi.
And look how my life is now,
I have Montfort and I’m going to US again.
Life can change, as long as you don’t give up
and I’m sure you’re a strong person.
E-mail me any time if you want to.
And don’t feel that you will be desturbing or so.

Kram

Anna-Lena

14

Hang in there, okay?

You’re better than you think you are. You’re going to make it through this and laugh about it one day.

And, enough living vicariously through Dopefests. Next time I make it to Sweden we’re going to have a Nordic Dopefest (right flodnak?) somewhere and I expect to see you there.

Besides, you always know you can e-mail me.

Kram

15

Soda:

Been there, done that, bought the shirt, and occasionally go back there anyway…

I know how you feel - one thing I found really helped was to sign up for a class (the Yoga suggestion sounds good) - for me, it’s art. When you pay the class fee, you have extra motivation to go… gets you out of the house and doing things with others…

Once you’re out there doing stuff, you feel better about it. It does take an extra self-inflicted kick to the rear on some days… hell, I know all about that :wink:

One question for you: do you have a pet? I train dogs, and I’m now really active in all sorts of k9 sports, too, so I don’t have time to get depressed… :wink: plus, pets are really good at listening and cuddling, and forcing you to go for a walk…

Best of luck,

Elenfair

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I’ve read alot of excellent advice here, and to reiterate, soda, you should find a hobby, something that interests you, join a club or two, that’s a good way to meet people who have the same interests as you.
Above all, stay focused, keep your mind clear, and try to be strong. You will come out of this a better person learning from the experience of dealing with depression. But you can’t let it break you. That’s just not an option. You have a life to live. Changes don’t happen overnight, but you can start making a difference today. Good luck.

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Hi. Just stopped in for hugs
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{soda}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
You feel better, pumpkin-guts! :smiley:

18

Dear everybody,
I’d like to give each and everyone of you a big heartfelt thank you. You really know how to make a girl feel better

alonicist, there is a love interest. No offense, but I will not discuss my love life on the boards. Did that once, it was not a good idea. And I agree, online friends are just as much friends as friends IRL, if nothing else this thread proves it.

Astroboy, it may be a good idea to go away and leave everything that’s not good for me, but I can’t run from myself my entire life.

Carina, yoga it is. I’ll look into it tomorrow, that’s my assignment for this week.

Chief, this one’s for you: :wink:

tater, I’d love to be a part of your gang of wimmins. Where do I sign up? No IM yet though, I’m not sure my computer would put up with more stuff. But my inbox is always open.

lurker, here’s one for you too: :wink: And you’re right, online friends are as real as RL friends.

I think I might have to divide this post in two or three… I’ll be right back.

19

OK, might as well get right back at it.

Simetra, thank you!

Serendipity, (aka poster with the pretty name) you’re right. Admitting to needing help is a pretty brave thing for me. I’ve always thought I was this strong and utterly competent person who could deal with anything life would throw me. So last time depression hit, I was stubborn and stupid and refused to admit I was not doing very well on my own. So when I snapped out of it after almost six months of crying and eating (my preferred source for immediate comfort) I made a promise to myself to never ever put myself through that kind of torture again. And I kept my promise. Why I went off the meds a while ago… well that was just plain stupid. I have a stubborn streak. But that’s a whole other post. And here’s the biggest hug ever for that beautiful postcard you sent me {{{{{{{{{Serendipity}}}}}}}}}

Spooje, my dear, I warn you. I might fill your inbox with a lot of mushy junk. I have a plan. I will do one thing every day, even if it’s just taking a walk. That’s my depression resolution. And I’ll revive my journal, I hadn’t thought of that. The brain sort of dysfunctions when depression hits.

mrtcult, hi. I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m a dudette by the way, or if you like, The Original Swedish Chick. I understand what you mean about the meds, but I don’t agree. It’s not like I’m on Valium or anything. I have a serotonin deficiency which causes depression. If I had another deficiency which caused me to have headaches every day, I would medicate against that too. There’s really not much difference, IMHO anyway. Besides, insurance covers most of the cost so I’m not going to have to file bankrupcy (how the hell is that spelled?).

Anniz and Montfort, (you are a couple after all) lets have a Nordic Dopefest! Oh, I feel happier already just thinking about it!

Elenfair, you have no idea how much I’d like a pet of some kind. I love dogs, but unfortunately, my situation doesn’t really allow it right now. I have a great job offer for the summer (camp counselor), which is one of the things I’m really happy about, but it wouldn’t be such a good idea to bring a puppy to that kind of environment. But, believe me, I would get a dog in a second if it was possible. Art is a good idea too. I’ll look through my storage room for my paints and brushes.

tomsawyer, (your name is just too damn long!) One thing at a time. One activity per day, even if it’s just a small thing. That’s the key.

turpentine, right back at ya’! I feel better! You should can those hugs and sell them. You’ll make a fortune. Turpenhugs[sup]TM[/sup]. Put me down for a dozen.

And finally, a huge hug for Sue Duhnym. I love postcards!

Oh, I’m beat. I have to make another pot of tea and re-read all your post and get a warm and fuzzy feeling inside.
You rock!! (As if I didn’t know that already…)

20

I hope your feeling better soon, since I know how you feel. At least you took action when you saw everything was beginning to break, as I didn’t do when my depression(possibly mild-bipolar, since I would cycle between happy and sad really horribly) and SI flared up for the second time.
I’ve started taking Celexa a month ago and already it’s been helping me deal with my life and it calms my mood fluctuations so I can handle what’s going on around me.

I hope you get on the path to getting better real soon and I wish you strength to get your life back to the way you want it to be.

{{Soda}}