I’ve considered and re-considered this thread a million times. I don’t want it to turn into another “Get over it, Loser!” pit thread. But I need to put it down and I need people who won’t be so annoyed with me for being depressed that they yell at me. People I don’t know seem to be most likely to understand.
About 2-3 times a year, for about 1-2 months at a time, I fight these black, dark moods. I become horribly misanthropic and start hating my friends for being human, essentially. Then I’m alone most of the time, because people drive me nuts and I end up spending entire days at home in bed with my laptop. When I’m not left alone, I become very agitated. I fantasize about suicide but never seriously consider it. I just think about how nice it would be if I were capable of it, if that makes any sense. I think about all the millions of ways I’ve been disappointed by things and it sits on my chest like a lead weight. That’s literally the physical feeling of it. I beat myself up for being so useless that I got myself in my current life situation. Then I try to force myself to be optimistic and end up hating myself even more when I can’t.
I’m very lucky in many ways. I have two beautiful and healthy boys. They are joys, everyone says so. And yet I end up either spending all my time online and getting annoyed with them because I don’t want to interact, or letting other people care for them for days because I can’t get out of bed. I have a MIL who understands and my mom is here too. My boys are cared for. But I hate myself for having these days when I can’t do it. Taking care of my house, taking care of my kids, these prospects exhaust me. I can’t lose anymore weight. All I want to do is climb in a hole alone and eat until they have to get a forklift to get me out. It’s sabotaging the weight loss I’ve managed in recent months. Today, we are going to the mall to visit Santa as a family and it’s been a huge huge colossal effort to get myself in the shower, makeup on, and I feel like killing my husband every time he asks me when we’re ready to leave. I hate myself for being a horrible mother, a horrible housekeeper, a horrible wife, and think that I must be really really pathetic if I am so overwhelmed. I’m focusing on a small way a friend disappointed me last week, and it has me feeling utterly alone and despondent.
Then, the mood lifts and I function and put everything back together, only to have it fall apart when the next mood hits. Things are only functional for a few months. It’s been this way since I was 12, and it’s only gotten worse since I’ve had my kids.
The counselors aren’t helping anymore, so I’ve made an appointment with my family practitioner for January 8th. It might be time to break down and try medication. I’m scared of the side effects, but it’s got to be better than this. I don’t want my kids to grow up wondering why mommy is periodically not very nice to them. I don’t want to damage them, and I NEED to get through school. (This one seems to have hit mostly after my Christmas break started, Thank god.) I’m thinking about other ways I can help myself until January, and I’m hoping I can bring myself to talk to my doctor about this.
2010 has to be the year I start to beat this. I’m so tired of constantly trying to convince myself I’m not a piece of shit.