After the armchair psychoanalsnark I got in the mini-rant thread, I was reluctant to expose myself again here, but here’s me sticking my neck out and hoping I’m among friends.
And damn it, I’m crying just writing that. I’m tired of having tears on a hair trigger, but having gone through extended periods of not being able to cry at all, at all, I suppose it’s better than the alternative.
I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety all my adult life, and probably since childhood. I also have fibromyalgia and narcolepsy, so they all feed into each other in vicious ways. When I arrived in the UK just over 3 years ago, I was taking Celebrex for the fibro and Wellbutrin for the mental issues, and both seemed to help. My new doctor took me off both, cold turkey, which I should have resisted. I know what going cold turkey off an antidepressant is like, having done it with Effexor some years ago. I had enough of both with me that I could have tapered off to a degree even though Wellbutrin isn’t available here as an antidepressant.
After trying several other options that just make everything worse and render me even less functional than I already am, I’d really like to go back on it. I’m waiting for the powers that be to decide whether I can have it off license, given that it’s only available here as Zyban for short-term use to quit smoking. My doctor has agreed to keep an eye on my liver function and such, but the psychiatrist who was meant to ask the medical director for permission wasn’t keen to allow it even then. It’s been months since we got this ball rolling and it might be months before it’s resolved either way. I had some mental health counseling through the NHS, but that’s come to an end now and I can’t afford to go privately.
In the meantime, I’ve been unsuccessfully looking for work for nearly three years, which is frustrating, discouraging, and humiliating. I know it’s the economy, but how am I supposed to get past the fact that everyone out there has more relevant experience in whatever it is that I’m applying for? I can’t even get a job as a retail clerk or a cleaner because my experience in those roles was too long ago. And even if I did land one of those, it wouldn’t be enough to support us, so we’d have to hope that we could still get housing and council tax benefit. Jobs in my field (environmental sustainability, community gardening, municipal gardening, arboriculture, etc) are few and far between, and there are others more qualified there too.
The longer I search and apply and get rejected, the less capable I feel of actually doing a job if I’m lucky enough to get one. I’m even volunteering at a local historical site to get a bit of recent office admin experience and a local reference, but that wasn’t enough for the last job that actually contacted her. The only time I get an interview for a job that’s not directly related to the bulk of my experience and education is when I self-declare as disabled, and it’s pretty obvious when that happens. Especially when the interviewers, who aren’t supposed to have that information, ask me about the nature of my disability. They’re supposed to be interviewing me on the basis of my skills and relevance to the position, but I can’t help but assume that my disability figures into their decision to go with someone else, as does my age and the increasing gap since my last employment and the fact that I’m a damned furriner here to steal the jobs of good, honest hardworking Scots. I do hope that’s not much of an influence, but I can’t imagine it’s not at all.
So it’s all a bit of a struggle, coupled with the fact that it’s hard for me to make new friends in a strange place, so I feel isolated on top of it all. If I had a job, I’d be exposed to more people, and I’d have money to go out and do social activities, which would help. But when the jobseeker’s allowance doesn’t quite stretch to cover the bills and household expenses, it’s hard to budget for fun things. And I’ve got a raging case of homesickness on top of it all. I miss my family and friends back home. The internet is great for keeping in touch, especially with video chat and such, but I want to hug my daughter and putter in my mother’s garden and have a nice jam session with my friends. One of the few things that stops me from doing myself a severe injury is that I don’t want to die without seeing my family again. But I think about it every day, and every day it gets more and more tempting to just lie down and give up entirely. Knowing there are people counting on me to stay alive helps, but I’m afraid someday it won’t be enough.
It does help to know I’m not alone in having these feelings, though, so thanks for starting this thread, and thanks to everyone who’s sharing their stories and their struggles. I’m sorry I don’t have the energy or mental fortitude to respond individually to your pain just now, but please know that I feel sympathy for you all and I’m holding you in the Light.
