Actually, quite a few aren’t. And I’m pretty freakin’ tired in general.
Stupid life.
I agree, I can’t wait for my vacation to start.
Right now I agree with you. I have a horrible head cold and, despite my wondiferous boyfriend going out to lunch with me today, I still just want to forget today ever happened and spend the next 15 hours asleep. I can’t though, because I am stuck at work. Stupid cold.
Here in a few days I will be back to thinking the world is made of chocolate and sunshine though.
Aw, sorry guys. I’d love to commiserate, but my heart just isn’t into much more than giving up right now.
Fuck, I should’ve put this in the pit.
Well, this thread seems to be as good a place as any for this:
I’m an appologist.
I’m sorry.
[deleted earlier response, gives hugs and hot chocolate to faithfool instead]
My GOOD knee feels like it’s being jabbed with a rusty ice-pick every time I stand.
The bad one has a particularly rusty ice pick. Several actually.
I’m not getting straight simple answers from anyone today, questions that require no more than yes/no, or north/south are getting compositions and essays. Seriously, I’m not grading on you making the minimum word count.
I can’t think of a single thing I feel all happy about making for dinner, which means a bag-o-salad and a frozen pizza.
There is no beer at home.
My favorite shoes, these really cool Timberland ones have a hole in the heel after three years of trusty trustiness.
To go withKythereia’s hot chocolate, I present a bag of double stuffed Oreo’s and a Xanax or two.
((All of you))
I’ve got cupcakes.
For me, it’s that no medication ever seems to work long-term and my psychiatrist is exasperated. My mother is hassling and guilt-tripping me over Thanksgiving, we’ve had more financial set-backs and the unpacking in the new house is causing more frustration and tears than I can deal with. Add in some of my pre-existing (dear Og how I must love hyphens!) problems with depression, etc., and it makes EVERYTHING MEAN TOO DAMN MUCH. Which sucks when there isn’t really a lot that matters at all.
I fear this so much. I don’t want to go back into the hospital again, but from where I’m standing right now, it feels like it’s headed that direction. And I can’t go there anymore, even in my head.
< sigh >
I hate me.
Dang, I’ve been through something similar to that. It’s so hard when it works for a while and then stops! You get a tease of what it’s like to be ‘normal’, then go sinking into the depths again…
We finally started treating me for ‘soft’ bi-polar when the 5th consecutive SSRI stopped working. Now I’m on a combo of mood stabilizers, anti-anxiety and anti-depressants. Which is working. For now.
Hugs. No hospital.
This so was me two, four, six years ago.
I am having a really bad day, but you put it into perspective for me.
I used to hate myself and my life every single moment, in addition to being an emotional cripple. I was hospitalized when I was 19 and it took years after that before I got my life back. I could rarely even leave the bed much less than house. I relate strongly to the medication frustration as well – often the side effects reproduced the same symptoms of the disease. I tried 14 things before I finally got the right combination, and that combination made me fat. Please believe me that it can get better, and very likely will. I have never been so contented in my life. I have found a deep and abiding peace. (If you haven’t tried it, I recommend Cognitive Behavioral Therapy–works wonders for that out-of-control spiral of self-hatred that happens with depression. Also the book* There is Nothing Wrong With You* by Cheri Huber. Because, there’s not anything wrong with you. Everything’s okay, most especially you. She will really convince you of this, I promise.)
I never really hoped that I could beat depression, but I did. So can you. Part of beating depression is accepting that it’s probably not going to go away. I still get depressed, the thing is I’ve just learned not to panic whenever those old feelings start up again. I’ve learned to stop the self-hateful thoughts and avoidant behaviors that lead to more depression. I’m not always successful, but I am fully functional, and very happy, even when I’m depressed, because I can remind myself that everything is temporary.
And if you don’t want to be talked at right now, then just this:
hugs
()()(_) <-----olives
olives bearing hugs
Well then, shit.
Me and Doc Lisa went around with a regular round robin of prescriptions before we hit the right one - a mood stabilizer, anti-depressants and some Concerta. I get really bad around the holidays, which is coming right around the corner, so here’s to January!!
You and I are opposites - I don’t get everything meaning so much, I see it all happen and don’t give a rat’s ass.
To elaborate on my earlier post because…well, because I feel like talking:
I’m almost completely burned out on school right now, since I’ve been working practically non-stop since mid-August, and the occasional weekends I’ve had at home haven’t really made any difference. Unfortunately, I have a test tomorrow morning and a project due that afternoon – it’s not a big project at all, just a one-page essay, but I just can’t make myself even start it, let alone finish it. I also have a test on Thursday. Once I get through this week, then I have from Friday afternoon to Sunday of the week after next off, but the next three days are going to be painful.
Anybody got any tips on handling my paper when I have no energy?
I’m really sorry to see how upset you’re feeling, faithfool.
I can’t really offer the same sort of hope that olives is, because that’s not my experience.
I’m still hugely depressed, myself, but sometimes I manage to forget it for a little while. Sometimes for good reasons - lately because I’d been too damned busy taking care of my parents for thinking about myself.
I’m worried that now that they’re both in safe and relatively stable positions, I may find myself falling apart, completely, once the pressure is off. So, I think I do understand your fear of the hospital.
I don’t have any coping strategies that I’d recommend. Just know that I hope you can keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes, it seems to me, the way to deal with depression is to be too busy to think about it.
Just know that we’d miss you, and we hope you can find some peace and happiness.
ETA: lately the thing that’s cheered me the most has been the Puppy Cam! Check it out, if you have a minute or two to yourself.
First of all, thanks everyone. I do really appreciate it. And if you’re still reading along, perhaps you won’t mind too terribly bad if I vent. It’s just that or go through another crying jag and I’m really not up to that right now.
I think out of those that have posted, both Otaku and Kythereia definitely know a bit of my history, seeing as how they’ve been kind and offered support in the past. But to the rest, I’m sure I’ve probably never even registered. So some background is in order. Please forgive the length. Considering how long this has been going on for me, there’s quite a lot of shit involved. 
Anyway, similar to what’s already been posted, my disintergration of mental health began back in '96. It’s all been pretty much downhill from there, escalating into panic attacks, severe depression, bi-polar disorder, increasing agoraphobia and eventually, suicide attempts (among other things). However, I kept up the “good fight” (ha!) and I’d found ways, through things like CBT and tricks I developed to cope, to sort of have a life off and on. But I had a second psychotic break in '06, that was infinitely worse than the previous one, and I’ve never fully recovered from it.
Since the start, I’ve been in the hospital three times. I’ve taken to explaining the drugs I have not been on as an easier way to get to the point of what I may need to try. Nothing has been permanent. And in the interim, I’ve lost everything… career aspirations, real-life friends, all dreams (like having kids), our finances, my physical health, religion and finally, marriage. I still have it legally, but for all purposes, it’s basically nothing more than a business-like partnership.
And so, that’s why I’m tired. I don’t want to keep trying drug combinations that never help. The things they teach you in therapy that seem to fall flat in the face of the more serious stuff I fight with. To illustrate, you’re constantly told that repetition makes difficult things easier. But au contraire, not for me. I can do something a gallion times a day for the last decade and I’ll still break out into a cold sweat the very next attempt I make. I’m sick of it all being so fucking hard.
I’d really like a breather. Hell, at this point I’d welcome the kind I had before two years ago, but they’ve been non-existent. I simply don’t want to do this anymore.
Regardless, I know I have no other choice. I’ve given my word to eschew taking my own life and I’ve been able to keep that (despite past efforts) whenever I’ve remained lucid enough. I’m still fine right now, so not fighting isn’t an option. But I’d really like the external factors, like my insane (and undoubtedly schizophrenic) mother, to leave me be. If I have to just suffer through this some more, I will. Unfortunately though, I’m not the least bit optimistic the outcome will be any different than it’s ever been before.
Which leaves me just as screwed as I usually am. :mad: :mad:
Sorry for being such a downer and rambling on endlessly, I’ve really tried for quite a while to keep my pathetic problems off the board. Sadly, I don’t know what else to do at the moment. That said, thanks to anyone whose read this far. I honestly am grateful for the help the community here on the Dope has provided. Sometimes that’s all I’ve had.
Captain Carrot, write the last paragraph first. Then start at the beginning and you’ll have much less to write. It’s a mind trick that often works for me.
And hugs to all who are down.
Ah, faithfool. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to take a break from yourself? I know I think it’d be nice. Hugs to you.
Aw, faithfool. I hear you. Problem is, and I’’ bet you know this just as well some of the other folks in this thread do, that ‘taking a break’ from fighting just about always results in things going backward and getting worse. I periodically get tired too. And quit fighting. And go backwards. It is a bad bad cycle. I know it well.
I want to echo the CBT thing. The group I was in was fucking awesome, and I got some great, really usuable tools to stop the flow of relentless self-hatred that no one who hasn’t been there knows how devastating it is. (Bad sentence, I know.) I did it through Kaiser. Don’t know where you are or who your health provider is, but maybe they have this kind of help available too.
Also, support is crucial. Do you do or have you done any support group stuff? I know that it can seem like the only thing worse than being cripplingly depressed is being with other cripplingly depressed people. I have definitely been there. But forcing yourself to be with others who understand what you are suffering is often the only way to survive. That is why AA, etc., is so effective for so many people. You don’t have to suffer alone. That is the worst place to be, alone. Being with people who really get what you are going through can lighten your burden and make it tolerable.
And keep telling us how you are doing. Even online support can help. The worst place to be is in your own head; I am positive you know that too. Hang in.
To Bus Guy, the season and the holidays always always kick my ass. I am on that toboggan going down right now, with no telling when it will level off. God it sucks. Just wanted to tell you I’ve been there too.
My husband was in CBT for depression and social anxiety. Then he decided he was perfectly content as he was. Great.
I know this isn’t very useful, but is there anyway you can take a hot bath and eat a bag of your favorite cookies tonight? Not as a long-term solution, but it makes a single day seem a little less bad.