its long, its emotional, please bear with me

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m sure most Dopers know me for trying to be funny and not being really serious. But this is a different thread, if you are looking for something uplifting, change threads now. Like I said, its long, emotional and is something that belongs in a Ann Landers letter. (although I think she sucks at this sort of thing, IMHO)

I’m not sure if many of you remember my mother’s problem. The last I’ve talked about it was probably 8 months ago, in some poems I wrote, so I’ll just start from the top and work to tonight.

My mom has been married twice. First to my dad, whom she divorced 11 years ago. She does not hate or dispise my father, they don’t talk much, but they get along. Then came Bob. She married Bob (or as I like to call him- ‘The Devil’} shortly thereafter. For a short time it was ok. He has three boys the same age as me and my sisters. Since I had no brothers before, we got along ok -I now had kids to play with beyond my school and neighborhood friends. But Bob’s true side came out after a couple years. Bob was an asshole. Pure fucking asshole. He would put down my sisters(one older, one younger), blame all his kids problems on me and my sibs and just be mean. He never hit us, never physically harmed us. Verbal abuse was daily, ranging from the usual fat jokes for my younger sister (who is NOT fat) to bullying around and to the basic uselessness of us kids around the house. Bob began cheating on my mom sometime during their marriage. Hang-up calls to the house became frequent, he even had a “second job” that he “worked” late at night. He didn’t get caught until tax season came around and my mom found out he had no second job with no extra income. How many gf’s he had is beyond me. Bob’s kids also have a trait that runs in bob genes. Chris, the oldest one is an asshole. Matt the middle kid is ok, just dumber then a sack of rocks and the youngest one, Pat, is gay with a touch of Jungle Fever. Bob has also put my mom into debt, very deep debt. She left bob before christmas this past year. I wasn’t there when she did it, I had gone off to school in Cincinnati and lived with my older sister, leaving my younger sister, Sara, behind in Toledo. I did help her move, but that was only for a weekend. My mom has a new place, in a condo a couple miles away. She has a new job (she used to work at the same place as Bob) and seemed to be getting along fine. I was happy, my sisters were happy. My mom was happy.

Everything started to look up. My mom then met John, a friend of a friend, in March and they started talking. I thought it was a bit early to start goin out again, but she did anyways. John has been giving her the run around lately. For awhile they seemed happy together, but a couple weeks or so ago he dropped a bomb. “I don’t love you and I have no feelings whatsoever for you”. Talk about fucking up my mom’s already fragile emotions. Apparently he went back to his old girlfriend. That lasted a week. He dropped her and came back to my mom just as she was getting over him. She took him back, I even went over to his place for some steak, even though I didn’t really want to. Everything seemed ok once again.

Shit was I wrong.

My mom hasn’t been going out much. She occaisonally will go out with John to dinner or for a drink. She tries to go out with her friends from work, but being a couple years older then them she feels akward going back to the bar scene and trying to find a guy. So she pretty much sits around every weekend waiting for someone to call to do something… anything. She has started to get very depressed that she has no one to talk to and considers herself “used goods” and that she will never find anyone to love her again.

Fast forward a bit to tonight. Usually I’m at work, 3pm to 3am, almost everyday- but I’m off work because my summer job at GM is on plant shut down for two weeks.(yes, I know its alot of hours, but its all about $$ for school) I call my buddies to see if anyone is around but find myself at home alone with my mom. We go and play some tennis to get out of the house for an hour or so and have some fun doing so. (I suck at tennis, BTW) We come back and basically do nothing. I offer to pick up some food but she said it was gettting late, so I eat some saved pizza from lunch. We begin to talk on the couch while watching some tv.

This is when things start to get weird and really depressing.

I ask her how things are going. She says she’s ok, leaves the room and comes back with tears in her eyes. Then she starts crying.

She starts talking how no one loves her and no one is around to keep her from being alone. How she doesn’t want to move from Toledo since my Grandma is gettin old and doesn’t look like she’s gonna be around much longer, and that she’s going to get stuck with taking care of her since her sibs aren’t that willing. I grab her and hug her and tell her how much us kids love her and tell her how we will always be here for her. But me and my older sis are living in Cincinnati and soon my younger sister will probably move from Toledo to go off to school in Michigan. So soon no one won’t be around to giver her these hugs.

I’m gonna go off the subject a bit and ask a question for you guys.

Has your mom ever contemplated suicide right in front of your face?

She talked how much better off I would be if she wasn’t around… her insurance money could pay off my school and wouldn’t have to deal with going back and forth between my dad’s and her place. How we wouldn’t have to deal her problems, we wouldn’t be stuck worrying about her life. Bob would forever be out of the picture (he owes her close to $40k and refuses to sell the old house, his harley, jeep or ram truck… none of which he can afford)… life would be less hectic, I wouldn’t have to worry about her.

As you can guess, this is not something I was really happy to hear. Makes me extremely, extremely worried. I told her that I don’t know what I would do living without her. She means too damn much to me to see her in this state. She is definitely depressed. Everytime she puts herself down(which is a lot) I try and say something to lift her up. Before tonight it wasn’t so bad, she never told me about her thoughts on not living anymore. Now I don’t know what to do. I’m lost. I can’t seem to get to her. I don’t know what to fucking DO!

2

Oh, man, cowgod, I’m so sorry all this is happening to your Mom and to you. The only advice I can give you is to get her some help. She sounds like she is suffering from clinical depression and it is possible that medication/therapy can help. I’m on meds for anxiety/depression myself (not that I’ve ever gotten bad enough to consider suicide). I also have friends who have similar problems. This is not something that she or you should have to handle alone. And keep doing all you can to support her and have your sibs do the same. I know it’s hard when you aren’t near by, but at the very least you/they can call frequently. Let us know how this is working out, please. We care. {{{{{{{{{{cowgod’s mom}}}}}}}} {{{{{{{{{{cowgod}}}}}}}}}}}}

3

Whenever I see the pain caused by men like these I get angry.

Lets face it any woman on finding a single man wether by divorce or never married in his what, lets say, thirties, but I guess that’s generalising, has to be asking herself why this is the case and should be super-critical.

If he has children from a previous relationship their behaviour would give clues.

This is a time when a person needs all their friends around them, and that includes round you too Cowgod.

Hope things work out.

4

All I can say is what TroubleAgain said–get her some help, and be there for her the best you can.

And to answer your question…not only did my mother contemplate suicide in front of me, she tried to doit in front of me, when I was nine years old. I stopped her, she ended up going to a shrink after getting out of the hospital, and she’s still alive and kicking 27 years later.

Take care and good luck, cowgod.

5

To be fair, should a man finding a single woman also be super-critical?

6

To answer lurkernomore: yes, specifically by that age if a person can’t tell you what he or she did wrong in any previous relationships, he or she will have the same problems in any new relationship. BTW, I’m female, recently divorced and can tell you exactly what I did wrong - and if I find myself doing it again, I’m going into counseling.

To Imthecowgodmoo: I’m so sorry about your mom. I don’t have much to add except to reiterate that you should encourage her to seek help. Her self-esteem has taken a pretty hard beating this past year. All you can do is keep loving her. You may want to talk to your sisters and encourage them to keep in touch as much as possible as well.

7

{{{{CowGod}}}}

I am so sorry you and your Mom are dealing with this.

My Mom has not only talked about it, she cut her wrists in front of me when I was ten years old. I have never forgotten it. She still talks about doing it a lot. Everytime she gets upset now I freak out.

Your Mom is depressed, she needs some couseling and maybe some anti-depressants. She is lonely CowGod, and sees her children growing up and starting to live their own lives.

She doesn’t want to be alone, no one wants to be alone. She has spent most of her life as a wife and a Mother, now she sees all of that slipping away. It’s scary.

Please, use what ever means you have, even guilt if you must to get her to see someone, talk to her of the pain and guilt suicide survivors deal with, whatever it takes to get her to get some help.

This is so hard on a young person, but CowGod, she is hurting right now. Your Mom is a woman, just as real as any other woman and with all the hopes dreams and desires all women have.

8

Cowgod, just to back up what everyone else is saying, your mom needs professional help. There’s no harm in talking to a psychologist or psychiatrist. Medication is probably in order, too. I know lots of people who have been helped by anti-depressants, myself and my husband included.

I know you and your siblings love your mom, but you guys can only help her so much. Not because you don’t want to; it’s quite obvious that you do. But sometimes, you simply can’t, because you just don’t know how. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Keep telling your mom how much you love her, and tell her that because you love her so much, you think she should seek professional help. If money is a problem, there are lots of places that work on a sliding scale, like Catholic Social Services or Lutheran Social Services (and no, you don’t need to be Catholic or Lutheran to get help from them).

Does your mom work outside the home? If she does, perhaps her job offers some sort of Employee Assistance Program that will pay for counseling.

There’s a great book that I recommend, too, called How To Survive The Loss of a Love. It’s about dealing with loss of all kinds. It’s written by a psychiatrist, a social worker, and a poet. It’s excellent.

((((Cowgod)))) I’ll be thinking of you!

9

Zyada,

  I just thought the earlier post rang a bit of male-bashing. Maybe I was a little sensitive. I agree it is important to learn form our mistakes.
10

CowGod: What other have said. Get your mom some professional help now. Do an intervention with your older sister (and your younger sister if you feel she is old enough to handle the situation) and possibly your father (you said they were still on good terms?). Show her that you all are unified in terms of her getting immediate help.

Get things lined up so that when she says okay, you can do it immediately. You may have to call a suicide prevention hotline to get ideas of where to go, or, like Persephone suggested, one of the social services.

You and your family are in my thoughts, CowGod. Don’t forget to take care of yourself.

11

Cow God, I’m so sorry you have to go through this.
And sorry that your mom is going through this. I too, echo what others have said: get her to seek help. Depression is an illness, not something that is her fault, so get her to seek help as she would for any illness. Get your sisters around her as much as possible. Let her know how much she is needed and wanted and loved. Give her a big giant hug and don’t let go.

I’ll be thinking of you. Hang in there.

12

Ditto what everyone else said. And I don’t need to say this, you sound like the very essence of a caring son, but stay in touch with her.

Call her as often as you can. If your budget allows, send her little gifts, cards, notes. Sounds weird, but there’ve been days when checking the mail is all that got me out of bed.

And take care of yourself too.

13

{{{cowgod}}}

Call a suicide prevention hotline immediately. They will be able to answer a lot of the questions you have about how to deal with a suicidal person. I’m certain they will also have a ready list of numbers in your area where you can seek help for your mother.

Also, don’t forget about yourself in all this. If you aren’t taking care of your own emotional well-being you will be of no use to your mother. Know how on airplanes they always tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before trying to help others around you? That’s what you need to do. While you’re getting counselling for your mother, get it for yourself, too. You need to be strong for her. You also need to know the right thing and the wrong thing to do when confronting someone who has threatened (or even contemplated out loud) taking their own life.

Best of luck to you and your whole family in dealing with this crisis. We’re here for you whenever you need to come cry or vent or even ask questions. Don’t forget you need support, too, ok?

14

CG - you’ve already been given some very good advice here; all I really have to offer is my moral support (and one of my crackpot ideas, of course).

Your mother currently feels unloved and unneeded - and no matter how much you try, I don’t think you alone can change this for her. Getting her to seek professional help is the best idea, but will she do it? My own mother has to be physically dragged, kicking and screaming all the way, to see any sort of doctor.

So, I give you an alternative suggestion - take her to your local animal shelter and get her a puppy. Pets can be wonderful companions and dogs especially will give unconditional love in return for a little attention and affection. A puppy (or even a kitty, if she’s more of a cat person) might be just the ticket for filling up the empty spaces in her life right now - a little furry person she can talk to, play with, and snuggle up to at night. And who knows? She could bump into Mr. Right while she’s out walking the dog.

And you can tell your mother from me, no matter what else has happened in her life, she’s managed to raise one heck of a nice kid. Moo!

15

Shayna is right – you have no time to lose. This is an emergency. Poor cowgod; what a dreadful thing to have to deal with. And – before I jump in with my advice and opinions, FWIW – you’re the person on the scene and who loves your mom, so your judgment is the only one that really counts.

But I’d say if your mother won’t agree to see someone at once, it’s time to take her to an emergency room. If she won’t go, call an ambulance. If you tell the hospital or ambulance people that she’s openly threatened suicide, they will take you seriously. You may have to give them the details of her history if she can’t or won’t.

She may very well end up on a 72-hour hold in the hospital or in a psych hospital, but that is not (as I have personal reason to know) the end of the world. It may be what she needs to get her moving toward treatment.

I wish you and your mom the best, however you decide to handle it. Keep us updated as you can.

{{{cowgod}}}

Catrandom

16

I agree with aseymayo on the dog idea, but she also needs counseling in the meantime. She sees her children all leaving the home to go out into the world on her own. One reason why she’s choosing the men who do harm to her is because she sees that they need attention and to be cared for, etc. Getting a puppy or kitten for her would be a good idea because it will bring her some joy in her life, and she’ll have someone to care for, but she’ll still want and need to keep in touch with her children. My mother gets really miffed when she doesn’t hear from my brothers often because it makes her worry about their well-being, etc. Good luck, and stay strong for your mother. We all care about your and her well-being.

17

That said, if your mother has told you she is suicidal she REALLY wants help.

I am no expert on this by any stretch of the imagination, but those who intend on killing themselves post-haste generally do it alone without warning. Your mother told you because she want you to do something.

Please get her help and support any way you know how.

I’m not a religious person, but I certainly hope that faith and God are with you both.

18

Just echoing Shayna, Persephone, brachy, Ayesha, etc…

Your mom needs help, and she needs it now. For the record, pain and vulnerability don’t know gender lines. But your mom is a good, loving person who’s taken too many blows in a row. Frankly, her self-respect was stripped down long ago, and she just doens’t know how to go about rebuilding.

This isn’t limited by gender either, but a big part of her pain and self-loathing right now is guilt. She tried her best, but she’s doubtless blaming herself for somehow not being super person. She knows very clearly the toll taken on you and your sibs.

For once, I’ll strip down an answer and make it pithy:

  • UC has a counseling center; graduated from there, know they do. Go talk to them. If you don’t like the response, demand another counselor.

  • the above can help you clear some decks while you handle family problems, if nothing else. If you get a good counselor, he/she can also offer great advice along w/ some support for you.

  • MAKE time to sit down with your mom. Force it, if need be. Do an intervention. Say what you said here–or print this off and show her. (Add your thread on your grandmother, too.) Your lives and hearts are inextricably linked. She needs, needs to know that.

  • tell her much you love her, and what a huge part of your heart she occupies. Insist, nag, beg, demand, plead, but get to her to a doctor.

  • go with her. Even if it’s only as far as the waiting room. But make SURE she goes. If you can, make sure the doc is a caring listener. Ask agencies, call around, do whatever you have to.

  • she maybe won’t listen right now, but she’ll hear if you keep repeating that she’s loved, she did the best she could, and you can’t bear to let the pain go on.

Bad times surely do happen, and your mom had more than her share. It sucks that the kindest, loving people get victimized by predators–but that’s what happened. But bad times pass, they honestly do.

You’re both punchdrunk right now. Mistakes made? Fuggedaboudit. Welcome to the human race. Your mom did the absolute, honest best she could, so if she needs some help right now, that’s what other people are for.

Keep in touch, cowgod. Wishing your valiant mom and her loving son the best,
Veb

19

I have nothing to add to the things that have already been stated here, you have received excellent advice.

You and your mom are in my prayers, and I am sending positive and healing thoughts your way. That is the best thing I can think of to do to help, sorry it can’t be more.

Hang in there, and don’t forget to take care of yourself. You won’t do your mom any good if you make yourself sick with worrying. (This is good advice, too, but don’t think I am unaware of how hard it is to accomplish.)

{{{{{{{{cowgodmoo}}}}}}}}

Scotti

20

I don’t know if this has been explicitly mentioned, but one thing that helped when I was going through suicidal thoughts was to keep things simple. Don’t go rushing around to do everything in a day. Go simply and slowly. Talk. Go do something pleasant for a day so your mother can relax, because the strain of depression can harm your brain and your body, and frequently does.

Do go to a psychiatrist and let your mother be alone with the doctor for a while. Let her cry. If you are in there with her she will not be able to let go totally.

One thing that helped me was that I knew I wasn’t the only person going through this. Both my parents have tried to kill themselves or been close. Wherever your siblings are, cowgod, get them home as soon as is humanly possible. Tell them the entire situation and get their input.

This isn’t going to be easy for anyone, but the more people you have helping to figure things out, the better.

Try, for God’s sake, to make her life as easy as possible. If she enjoys cooking, don’t go making everything for her. Let her make herself a salad or something. Don’t let her worry about money. Stress to her the importance of being happy over being rich.

Don’t go out and buy a puppy tomorrow. Yes, long-term they have proven to benefit people’s health, but right now the fewer things your mother has to worry about, the greater the chances that she’ll live through this and be just fine. Simplicity is the key here.

Don’t baby her. Let her dress herself and cook if she wants to. You need to let her have some control over her life or she will go mad.

There’s more, but I can’t think of it right now. I’ll post it when I do remember. I went through something similar to this a few years back and it’s still vivid.