Do you have "deep" friendships? Wht do you mean when you call someone your friend?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’d link the thread that inspired this one if I weren’t so freaking lazy. But I am, so I shan’t. Instead I’ll summarize: the OP wondered if he should cut a friend out of his life, and at least one respondent asked why he even cared, as the person involved was “just” a friend.

Maybe I’m strange, but I don’t think things are quite that simple. I would say I ONLY have deep friendships, because I don’t use the word “friend” to describe the relationship unless there’s some significant emotional investment involved. People I only see at work or book club or the coffeehouse aren’t friends; they’re acquaintances, pals, maybe buddies. But if I call you my friend, it means that you can call me at 2:30 because you have a flat tire and I’ll immediately come rescue you if possible–not because I feel OBLIGATED to, but because I’m going to worry until I know you’re safe. It means that you tend to include me in major rituals of your life, and I do the same for you. It means you’re a member of my family by choice, just not by blood. It means that if you’re accused of something unpleasant or criminal, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt as a reflex, not as a decision.

I don’t have many actual friends (not counting my wife and sisters)–maybe two. But that’s fine; I don’t care to dilute the word’s meaning.

Anybody with a different take?

2

I don’t have any close friends. I used to back in Highschool but that was the only time. Mostly I have several people that I call friends but that fit your definition of acquaintances.

I think it might be for two reasons: First because I’m quite a loner and like doing things by myself or with just one other person ( a girlfriend if I’m in a relationship). And second because I grew up with almost no friends but around a dozen cousins at or near my age that lived nearby or visited very often, so I never grew up thinking of becoming close to someone outside of family. Even today I mostly hangout with cousins my age.

3

We have a group of friends that fit what you are talking about, Skald. There are about 15 of us that went to school together, 20 years ago, who are a family by choice.

We’ve helped each other move, stood up at each others weddings, act as godparents, and helped bury parents and siblings. I know I can depend on them for everything from “Can I borrow $10 until I can get cash” to “Can I stay with you until I find a new job”? They all have unrestricted access to my house; I’d ask “Is everything ok?” before I’d ask “Why are you in my house?”

Of course, having a group of people that know me that well and for that long leads to the statement: “I trust you with my life but not with my dignity.”

4

My definition of friend is pretty much spot on with the OP’s. I have a lot of acquaintances but not too many friends. If they don’t pass the dead hooker test they’re not a friend.

5

Those friends that used to call me at 2:30 in the morning to give them a ride home for some vague reason … well, those friends I’ve left behind. I have kids for that now :slight_smile:

In my 20s I had friends like that. They would drop by and hang out, grab a beer from my fridge and plop down on the sofa. We shared stuff a lot.

In my 30s I moved around a lot, got married, had kids. After that point I would say only my wife and family fit Skald’s description. Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost something but not very often.

Now, in my 50s, I have lots of friends that I could makes plans with, given a little time (what with the spouses and kids and jobs). These are all good people who I could call at 2:30 in the morning if I absolutely had too, and they would help me out because they are good and decent people. I would sure hate to do that though and I would spend the next year apologizing. If I got caught doing something unpleasant or criminal I don’t doubt they will give me the benefit of the doubt, as I would them, once, maybe twice.

I’m kind of with you on the definition of friend but I refer to all those people as my friends because they are sure more than acquaintances. “Buddies” I consider to be closer than friends - like we’ve been in a foxhole together or something. My few buddies are the guys I would feel comfortable criticizing when they are screwing up.

6

Well, sure, if I guy has a dead hooker I would consider him a friend but how often does that happen?

7

This perfectly describes the circle of people I consider friends. We’ve been friends for close to 20 years, since I was a freshman in highschool. We’ve added spouses into the mix, the most recent being just last weekend, we’ve welcomed children, who are at home regardless of who’s house they’re in, we’ve helped eachother though various crises, health scares and hospital stays and deaths. Moved eachother countless times, across country,from apartment to apartment, and finally into the homes we’ve purchased. We’ve spent holidays together and have been the only family available sometimes when our own families were too far away. We’ve taken vacations together and we’ve lived together for short periods of time for various reasons. We manage to slightly irritate the hell out of eachother occasionally, and know that it’s all right.

They are my friends.

8

I think that the economic independence people often find as they move into their late 20s and 30s changes friendships in some pretty fundamental ways. The OP talks about calling a friend when you are stranded at the side of the road at 2:30: at 20, could have been at either end of that. At 30, I wouldn’t dream of waking up my friends for a ride–unless I felt in danger, I’d call a tow truck. It’s not that I don’t love and respect my friends today and vice-versa, it’s that my friend’s night’s sleep is not worth me saving $100 bucks anymore. When I was poor, it was, because that $100 was the grocery budget (and a lost night’s sleep was a lot easier to recover from). In the same way, I don’t jump up to volunteer to help ANYONE move any more, because I more or less expect them to hire someone (and because loading up a three bedroom house + garage is a whole different world than loading up a studio apartment).

That economic independence changes friendships. You don’t need each other quite as much as you used to. I honestly don’t know if that’s good or bad.

9

What you call deep friendships are what I call 3 A.M. friends. These are the friends that I’m pretty sure if I called them at 3 A.M. and said “I can’t explain over the phone but I need you to come over” I’m pretty sure they’d come over, and if they called me with the same urgency, I would. (Now obviously, you wouldn’t do this because you couldn’t sleep and wanted to play a game of gin rummy, but if there really was an emergency…).

I’ve got two- perhaps three of these. It’s probably not coincidental that we’re all unmarried. Having spent as much time as I did camped out by my mother’s hospital beds (and having seen her camped out by her parents’ hospital beds and those of other relatives) I’ve gotten, as I age, a bit of a “who’s going to do that for me if ever the need arises?” concern (so does my sister, who’s married but has no children), and I think there’s a sort of alliance of the unwed among my friends to do this for each other. (Unfortunately one of us is about to get married so… guess the other will have the 3 A.M. “let’s break up that marriage” calls. :)).

10

I don’t have any truly deep friendships, although there have been a handful of people I could count on in my moment of need.

I just assume everyone will leave at some point so I try not to get too attached.

I also didn’t grow up understanding what it means to be a friend so what I know I have had to learn by watching other people. I ape what they do but I don’t know all the ways to be a friend and so I’m not sure I’m someone others can count on, not because I don’t care but because I am ignorant.

11

That’s what bugs me about Myspace, Livejournal et al. You get a page on one of those websites, and after awhile your list of “friends” starts to get pretty long. But I seriously doubt that many of these friends of yours would perform the kind of selfless service you describe if you were in dire straits, or even chat for four hours with you online while you cry over your latte.

12

Bingo.

I lost a very good friend over this in the past year. This is someone for whom I have done quite a bit over the years, and to be fair, the feeling was mutual. But we are a little older and more independent now.

I live about a 25 minute walk from her. She asked me to feed her cats while she was gone. This probably would not have been an unreasonable request a few years before, when we were all broke and finding our way.

But things change. It was the middle of the summer, I was having a ferocious time at work, and my wife and I were embroiled in a costly real estate issue that consumed a lot of time, tens of thousands of dollars, and more emotional resources than I thought I had.

I honestly did not want to spend an hour a day on a weekend walking around in the heat to feed her cats. I have several cats of my own, and under the circumstances, I would have never even dreamed of asking her to feed them. Like most other adults I know, I call the neighborhood pet sitter to take care of them while I am gone for the exhorbitant cost of $15 per visit. I don’t even ask my neighbors to feed my cats, even though I know they would do so gladly.

I declined. I said, honestly, that I was in the middle of a move, there was a lot going on, and I had very little disposable time.

This was apparently the straw that broke the camel’s back. A few months later, she ended our friendship.

She is by no means a bad person, and naturally you only see my side of the story here. She still expected that she could count on me for things like this, and to her, this defined friendship. For me, I suppose, it is the reverse. I will help my friends hide the body, but I expect they will not call me to do some chore that will cost them $30. I’m sorry that perhaps the rules change, but that’s how it is. Nothing is more valuable than my time and my peace of mind now. This is a somewhat different perspective than I had years ago.

13

Outside of family, no…I don’t think anyone would come over at 3AM unless I was passing out money.

So, no friends, nada.

14

I had a “deep” friendships in college/grad school, but sadly they aren’t nearly as close after everyone started marrying and having kids. We keep in touch, we get together every so often, we help each other move, etc…but in terms of 3 AM favors and telling each other our deepest darkest secrets? Doesn’t happen anymore.

I miss my close female friendships the most.

15

That so funny–I hesitated when asked to do this by someone I would consider a good friend, and she took it really hard, like it was something of course friends do for one another. Well, it is, but I didn’t understand the symbolism of it and thought I didn’t feel like going out of my way every day to feed the cat, especially when she has friends just up the street to do it.

We’re still friends but I think she doesn’t trust me to really be there for her, and maybe it’s true.

16

I’ve always been a very private person and an introvert–I generally only have one “deep” friend at any given time, if that. Right now, and for the foreseeable future (which will hopefully be a very long time), that friend is my spouse. I have other good friends that I would go out of my way to some extent for, but none that I am as close to as the person I’ve chosen to spend my life with.

I’m not that good with acquaintances or superficial friendships–they tend to need resources that I’m not willing to give. If I’m not with the spouse or talking to people online, I’m generally happy with my own company (and my cats’). Except for a very brief and very unusual period in college, I’ve never been a “hang out with a group of friends” type, and 20something years later that isn’t likely to change.

17

This boggles me a bit. I totally agree, if I can afford to hire out my moves, I will do so, rather then leave my friends aching for the next week. But if someone needs the cats fed, the plants watered and the house checked on, count me in. I guess nothing is more valuable then my friends and family now. The book, TV or lawn can wait.

18

I’m pretty sure I’m going to regret asking this, but what’s the dead hooker test?

19

This is fair, and I might just be a bad, selfish person. Seriously.

But in this case, I just don’t see the difference between moving and cat-sitting. I agree, nothing is more valuable than my friends and family. Which is why I would never ask them to feed my pets while I am away. I also wouldn’t ask a handy friend to fix something in my house or one of my legal friends for legal advice. I’d call my contractor or attorney.

I have and would again drop everything to be with a friend in an emergency, to have a few beers and be a good listener when times or tough or, as has often been the case, to leave work and spend my days and nights in the hospital at someone’s bedside. To me, that is what good friends and family members do. There is no substitute for this.

But there is a substitute for me feeding someone’s cats over a long weekend. Pony up and hire a pet sitter for a pittance. Call me when you need me, not when you want to save $30.

20

Friends help you move; true friends help you move bodies.

Or something like that. I’ve only got one or two friends like that, maybe.