As some of you may know, my father-in-law passed away recently. During a conversation with my sister-in-law, she remarked that only $60 was placed in the “box” at the funeral home. She said that it is customary for all attendees at a funeral to feed the money box.
I’ve never heard of this. She said she learned it from her 86-year-old mother-in-law. It seems to me that this is an old-world practice, or at least old-fashioned. In modern times, most everyone has life insurance, so taking care of the widow or widower isn’t the issue it was years ago. I could understand this practice for someone who won’t be receiving life insurance benefits, but my mother-in-law will be collecting on two policies and already has some money (though not tons).
My husband says you should give if you didn’t send flowers. I called bullshit on that right away. He’s not exactly the King of Social Graces, so I think he was just taking a shot in the dark.
I’ve never heard of this either, and while I haven’t been to many funerals, the ones I’ve been to have been varied. Assuming this is an old custom, to me it looks like one that’s gone from functional to tacky (like collecting tons of cash at weddings…not at mine, if I have one!).
By the way, I think immediate family is exempt from this form of extor…er… charity. Atually, I’m mostly kidding. I think if a family is in need, and they don’t have any way to afford the funeral, it’s not a bad idea. But I’d hate to think people were giving me the “stink eye” because I haven’t been putting money in the box.
I know at my Father’s funeral we asked non-family members to make a donation to a charity rather than bring flowers (we felt so many flowers would be wasteful, and knew my Dad would feel the same way).
I’ve never known of donations to the family in real life although I do remember a random film/tv reference where London gang members gave money to the widow of a deceased gang member at the wake. I can see how in this sort of situation (where life insurance/pensions are probably not an option) it might be a tradition.
I offer my sincerest condolences on the passing of your Father in Law. After the 6-fingered man killed my father, the only box at the fueral was his. I have never heard of this ‘custom’ either.
Oh, and another thing. The woman who taught this “custom” to my S-I-L is a rather traditional, 86-year-old Italian woman. Could this be strictly an Italian cultural thing?
Inigo, I’m sorry for your loss. Are you serious about a 6-fingered man? Jeez, that’s creepy. Did they catch him?
Never heard of a cover charge at a funeral home. Then again a lot of people think it’s strange that we southerners bring lots of food to the funeral home, but honestly, sometimes the family can just forget to eat, or doesn’t have time or energy to step out for a bite.
But ‘expecting’ to make some money at the funeral…that just seems weird.
Sorry for the partial whoosh. I am an orphan, but the 6-fingered man thing has to do with my username only. Actually, I guess I could use it as a metaphor for the 6-x bypass that dad didn’t survive. But I didn’t mean it that way initially.
Nope it’s not an Italian thing. Irish-English-Polish-German-Norwegian-French-Native American (can we say mutt?) almost 50ish person here and I have seen the box at every funeral I have ever attended. The way I understand it: people put money in the little envelopes to help with the funeral arrangements (which are quite costly these days) and/or as a contribution to the kids college funds if a parent, particularly a dad, is the deceased.
It is not a requirement and you don’t get the “stink-eye” if you don’t contribute.
I usually donate if the deceased is a young parent or an elderly widow who is left without a large nest-egg.
My aunt recently died, leaving behind a month-old infant daughter. She died broke, with no insurance, so the child is basically left without an inhertance of any sort.
I didn’t care if people would think it “tacky” or not: I asked the funeral director if we could place a box next to the signature book for donations. He said yes, and that the funeral home had a box for this purpose.
We didn’t get much, which, I suppose has a lot to do with the fact that people don’t necessarily bring cash with them to a funeral.
See, I think that’s fine. This is a special situation. We lost our nephew a few years ago and he left three children. He also left a shitload of money in property, cash, investments, and insurance (I think it was over $500K – he died on work property during work hours, in an accident). My S-I-L opened up a trust fund for the kids, and they collected an additional $20K or more (I never did hear the figure). To me, this was unnecessary. It’s fine if people want to give, put to make a statement that a fund has been opened, for kids who are financially set, just seems a bit off. My husband and I didn’t contribute to that one. On the other hand, when my husband’s youngest sister died, I didn’t hear any talk about donating money, and she didn’t have a pot to piss in when she passed away.
I guess I’m just looking for what the protocol is. So far, the “I never heard of it” corner is filling up the fastest.
It’s cultural, but not limited to Italians, I’m sure.
Here in Hawaii that is typical. There are envelopes and a receiving desk (I’m not sure what it’s referred to) where attendees sign their names.
The practice is called “koden”–a Japanese term. I would think it’s weird that people do not donate to the family–as that is how every funeral I’ve ever been to was set up, and I’ve been to a lot.
The koden goes to funeral expenses. Also, people do not bring food; there is usually an announcement to join the family after the service, to partake in refreshments (a light meal).
Although it says “Japanese”, that is what is widely practiced here in Hawaii. I’ve seen this at funerals of non-Japanese people.
I usually give $20, but my mother scolds me and says $10 is enough if the person wasn’t a really close friend. She says $20 is for relatives and close friends. But hey, it’s my money.
The kids picked up the cost of the meal after F.I.L’s funeral. I think the widow probably does it most of the time, but we wanted to take some burden off her.
Well, it still looks like it’s more widely not done than widely done. Very interesting how this is done differently in different places.
