A former high school classmate of mine passed away last week, leaving behind his wife and 4 yo daughter. It’s all very sad.
The news was shared by our senior class president to the class list via Facebook, and the usual condolences and reminiscences poured in. My classmate was a genuinely nice guy and one of those people who fit in equally with all the different social groups in our class.
The thing I found strange was that within 24 hours of this news, one person proposed setting up a college fund for the little girl. Lots of people thought this was a great idea and offered to contribute. I should mention that this was not a suggestion from the widow in lieu of flowers or anything like that, it was a unilateral suggestion from one of the deceased’s former friends.
What I found odd is that my classmate was relatively well off. He was a civil engineer, and his widow is a partner in a law firm. Both would have been in the work force for about 20 years, and the girl is an only child.
So I’m just wondering, is this standard practice? I should add that this is taking place in the US, in case that is relevant.
It’s hardly unusual. The wealth of the parents shouldn’t be a factor (who knows how much money they have saved up for college?). Further, the fund will be useful anyway, since they have lost one source of income.
Even if a college fund is not needed, it is a nice gesture for the daughter. It is a way of providing for a lasting tribute to her dad by a bunch of people who thought very highly of him.
FWIW I gave money at the last two funerals I went to. One was for a friend who died after a long battle with cancer and left behind a lot of bills, and also left behind a church congregation (she was a pastor) that could use money. The other was my friend’s dad. I gave a bit of money to his mom to help pay for the funeral and just whatever else she needed.
I don’t always give money at funerals but it’s not unusual.
Even if they were both well off, if they were both working they probably set their budget for those two incomes so the loss of half that could impose some financial chaos and/or temporary hardship until the widow can re-calibrate.
Setting up a trust fund for the daughter is basically telling her mom that no matter what else might come down the pike during this time her daughter will be able to get an education. That sort of cushion - strictly speaking needed or not - can be of great comfort in a very stressful time.
I was quite surprised at how many of the condolences cards when my grandmother died contained money. Her funeral had already been paid for, and she didn’t have any dependents, so it just ended up going into her estate and being distributed to her heirs.
I think a lot of the time people don’t really know what to do to help, but they want to do something, so they give money.
A co-worker of mine lost her husband to a sudden heart attack a few years back. He left behind two young children. We quickly went to work organizing a major fundraiser and raised over $10,000 for the kids’ college fund. Everyone felt good about it.
Eleven months later it was suggested it would be fun to repeat the event. You know, the Second Annual Billy & Susie Go To College Fundraiser. Guess who raised the suggestion? The widow. Attendance was very sparse.
mmm
The guy was a civil engineer. Now he’s a $7,000 debt to the funeral home, plus whatever the cemetary charges. On top of that, you have no idea what other responsibilities the family had. Who is going to support his parents now?
In addition to the sorrow of losing a loved one, the family took a $100,000/yr hit overnight. I think you underestimate how devastating a death can be to family finances.
It makes more sense than “I grieve with you so I killed these plants”. A memorial fund or donation can be the way to go if its done as a one time shot. Death strikes once and so should any fundraising that comes out of it.
After my mother died in 1974, I was amazed at how many of the sympathy cards contained money. I had never heard of it before then, but I was 23 and hadn’t been to many funerals.
We are Catholic, and many people had written a note telling us to use it for Masses, but lots just had a twenty in them. We were not well off so I think some was to defray the cost of the funeral, and some was to help with the inevitable extra cost we incurred. It doesn’t sound like much, but the postage for the thank you cards, gas to run people here and there, meals out, food in the family room at the wake, and things like that add up especially when you don’t have a lot to start with.
OK, so it sounds like the practice isn’t as unusual as I had thought. Still, I have a hard time imaging that contributions would be able to make that much of a dent in the cost of education for his daughter. On the other hand, as one poster pointed out, collecting some money is a lot less wasteful than flowers.
So what would be a reasonable amount for me to contribute? I have not been in touch with the deceased since my graduation (25 years ago), but I liked him.
I didn’t want to mention it in the OP, but we learned that his death was likely suicide. He was such a nice and happy fellow when I knew him, I can’t even imagine him taking his own life.
But that might have financial implications if it gives the insurance company reason not to pay out.
To some extent, this is about the mourners as well - “I want to do something.” And a tangible “I want you to know I’m thinking of you.” I usually give about what I’d give for a wedding if there are kids.