The members of a bunco group I’m in recieved this email on the 12th:
I’ve not done anything yet, and I’m undecided as to whether or not I’d like to contribute. Today we get another email:
This seems presumptuous and pushy to me. I’ve been playing with this group for about six years, and while some of the ladies are close friends, all of us aren’t necessarily close friends with all of the others (if that makes sense). We’ve never bought a communal gift for someone before (others have had parents to die during this period, for example). There have been one or two “baby shower” type things where members brought baby gifts for an expectant group member.
I suppose I’ll go by there and drop my $5 in the mailbox, but I feel I should be able to choose what I want to do, instead of being extorted.
What you give in a situation like this should be personal. Not to mention optional. If they said, hey, a few of us want to get X item, but it’s $100. We’re asking that members donate what they can towards it. If we don’t have enough, we’ll donate the money to a charity of their choice to to go towards funeral costs, etc.
What happens when there’s another death in the group’s family? Unless it’s done for everyone, someone’s feelings will be hurt. Heck, they might be hurt already. “Nobody did this for me when my mom died.”
Exactly my thoughts. My ex-MIL died this summer; and it tore me up. I loved that lady like my own mom (I’m getting something in my eye as I type this), and I’m still grieving over her.
However, I didn’t expect the bunco girls to buy a gift. I kinda feel left out - but at the same time, why should they? People are weird.
I think that the first one would have been OK if they had replaced ‘everyone’ with ‘those of you who would like to’. The second one was just rude and pushy.
Anyone else think it’s just a matter of time before we start seeing funeral/wake registries? Sure, right now it’s just pitching in on flowers or asking for contributions to the deceased’s favorite charity, but it;s only a matter if time before you are asked to buy somethiing off the list at Bed, Bath and Great Beyond.
Yes, I would consider it rude and pushy, mainly because they haven’t done this for other people who have experienced similar losses. If it were a normal part of the group’s activities to do things for each member’s big life events, then I would consider the $5 justified in exchange for the expectation that if you experienced such a misfortune you could expect the same kindness to be returned to you.
Still, I suppose I’d go ahead and give the $5 (since it is only five bucks, and it is a sad event).
But seriously, I have never heard of a bereavement gift, unless sending flowers to the house or church counts. Is this common and I’ve simply been living under a rock?
When my grandfather died, our neighbors got together and gave my parents several hundred dollars. Extremely nice, extremely unexpected. Only time I have ever heard of that, though I luckily don’t have too much experience with funerals.
Around here (Midwest) it’s common to write a check toward a memorial fund for the deceased, which the family uses however it likes: donate to charity, pay expenses, whatever.
My father died last week, and my mom told me that her sister sent her $1000 out of the blue. (Thanks, generous auntie. ) Other people have given her cash too, most of which she plans to give to the nonprofit hospice home where he died, though I told her she should hang on to some of it to pay outstanding medical stuff that wasn’t covered by insurance/Medicare.
I would be appalled at a funeral registry. Now that you mention it, though, I suppose it’s only a matter of time . . .
I think that the first email was okay, since it isn’t the recipient of the gift asking for money, but rather the attempt to organize a group gift. Especially so because it’s a bereavement.
However, the second e-mail is just out-and-out pushy.
I’ve seen gifts many times. Some people think flowers are a waste and handing over cash seems crass to them, so they buy gifts. The most common I’ve seen are angel figurines, ceramic miniature churches, silk flower arrangements for the home, decorative blankets or throws or live plants. These things are typically sold at florist’s and delivered to the funeral home by the florist. I guess I’m crass because I usually take a check to the funeral home for expenses if I know the family will have trouble paying the funeral home bill.
Definitely pushy and out of line. You have every right to respond with: “I appreciate your sentiment, but I’ll be memorializing her mother in my own way.”
As far as the money thing goes, on The Sopranos whenever someone died, the guests handed the bereaved widow an envelope of money. I’d assign this to a Mafia thing, as opposed to an Italian thing, but I vaguely recall my Greek friends doing this, too. It may be a throwback to the days in the village where widows literally couldn’t afford to bury her spouse. I could be wrong.
Traditionally, that’s how it’s done. It’s NEVER a gift. It’s supposed to be money to help the widow bury her husband and get by, since she didn’t have a job and there wasn’t an insurance policy or anything. It’s antiquated, but that’s the purpose of that slotted box at the funeral home. An envelope with a sympathy card and some money. A gift? That’s just too bizarre to even consider.
But seriously, I have never heard of a bereavement gift, unless sending flowers to the house or church counts. Is this common and I’ve simply been living under a rock?
) Other people have given her cash too, most of which she plans to give to the nonprofit hospice home where he died, though I told her she should hang on to some of it to pay outstanding medical stuff that wasn’t covered by insurance/Medicare.