Do you require proof of life from anyone?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I love my kids. I’ve always been pretty involved with their lives. Scout leader, band chaperone, etc. I’m not a helicopter parent, because I want them to be comfortable, but I do fly high cover - like a P-51, ready to swoop in and light up trouble when it arises!

With our son off at college, I miss him awful. He’s doing great, he’s happy, has friends, etc., but I rarely call him because I don’t want to crowd him/ bug him. Lord knows I didn’t want my parents knowing ***anything ***about what and where about me when I was 20.

Problem is, in recent years, a dozen kids or more have gone missing around here, several on their way to or from Atlanta to Athens. A couple havedriven off the roadinto the woods, only to be found weeks or months later, if at all. Othershave just disappeared.

It happens. Every other day, there’s a new story about some child, teen, or mom missing, and it’s just part of the background noise of life. You worry like any normal person, but you don’t hire bodyguards or GPS trackers for everyone in your life.

However, this latest story got me thinking. This college kid died Wednesday, and no one found him until Saturday morning. And it was his dad, at that. He went looking for him, since he normally checks in.

Anyway, it got me thinking, and I told my wife I thought maybe we should have the boy check in every X hours, days, minutes, whatever. She thinks I’m daft, of course. He’s almost 19, has a roommate, thousands of neighbors, yada, yada, yada, and shouldn’t have to check in with Mommy.

I understand all that. I don’t want to check up on him every minute, but how about a simple one-word text every day or so, just so we know he’s alive.

Me, after I moved out & became a “grown up”? I saw or spoke with my folks about once a week or so until they died. Before cell phones, Facetime, and all that.

So, how short a leash do you have on your kids/SO/parents/relatives/elderly neighbors, etc…?

Do you expect your kids to call every X? Or do you just call them? When does it slow down, or even stop?

I don’t sit up at night worrying - well, not every night! - but I damn sure don’t want to call him one day and he never answers!

Older, wiser, [del]medicated[/del] calmer parents: What say ye?

2

don’t nag him

3

IMHO - Do not request/require that he does this. It really is just an imposition.

You miss him - that is normal, but him keeping in contact is not going to make him safer. Is he in a dorm? His friends will most likely miss him/notice a problem way before you do.

4

I wonder how many kids today, if you played them “Cat’s in the Cradle,” would think “God, I wish that were my dad.”

5

Too funny!
(Flying ‘medium cover’ on my teens)

6

They would probably think, “Did you really listen to that crap?”

7

Does he talk about his friends? In a dorm, chances are he’d be missed quickly.

Do not put him in a schedule. Do think about how he is probably more protected at college than he would be walking around your town. Think of the odds about something happening to him, not the number of kids things happen to. Just as many people got hurt before, or more. You are just noticing it more now.

Best of all, be really interested in his life when he calls. When my kids were in college, they called my wife while walking to classes, to the point of annoyance pretty much. But we were very close to them. You have it easy. When I was in college I spoke to my parents once a week on the payphone or from my room when I eventually got a phone. It was expensive. We can talk to our kids for free. One of my daughters is in Germany - I can talk to her 5.000 miles away than I could to my parents 200 miles away. And with video also. Plus free texting.

Make him want to call you. Forcing it will just drive him away.

8

Is he on Facebook? If so he probably updates quite often. Just check his page for activity. Post mundane shit on his wall you think would interest him. It’s less intrusive since it doesn’t require a response.

9

Historically we’ve kept them on extremely long leashes. I understand the worry, but rationally I realize there’s nothing I can do for them in a long distance emergency. By the time I get there it will all be over.

I’m moving the youngest to college this week, and I doubt if we’ll hear from her very often, and we’ll limit calls to once a week.

My oldest (23) travels extensively in his new job, and is in a different motel in a different city almost every night. We assume he’s made it from airport to room each night and don’t call him to check. After a week goes by, I’ll usually text just to say hello (and I’m curious whether he’s in Denver, or Toronto, or Pittsburgh or wherever. The destinations interest me vicariously). I have to assume if his company trusts him to make the trip safely, that I should too.

Now, if only I could get *my *parents to adopt this approach (they’ve become professional worriers as they age).

10

I mean, what the hell do I know, my oldest is just 13.

Still, Crush has the best parenting advice.

“Let’s see what Squirt does flying solo.”

11

I’ve always been one of those, ‘I’m fine! When I start calling, is when you need to start worrying!’ kind of kids, when I was growing up. And that generally proved to be true, more often than not. It still didn’t keep my Dad from trying to ‘track me down’, if he hadn’t heard from me in the last 4-5 days (a week, at the most). This continued until he passed away, right before Thanksgiving, 2012.
I’ll be 53, this year. :smack:
Yeah, it was a little ‘irritating’ back when I was 20-something, single, ‘footloose’, living on my own, working and ‘doing my own thing’.
(Especially so, during the times that I lived in a completely different city.:smack:)
It wasn’t like he demanded a detailed ‘update’ of my life, and a specific location where I could be found, if necessary. He generally just wanted to hear my voice, so that he would know that I was still ‘alive and kicking’ and not locked up, or in any kind of serious trouble.
(And Og knows, the only reason I’m still alive today, is due to my dumb luck, quick wits and reflexes, intelligence, ‘winning personality’ and the ability to meet and make friends, easily.:smiley: Oh, wait… I almost forgot… And ‘modesty’.;))

What I gradually came to realize though was, it was simply ‘love’. :slight_smile:
So, yeah… call him every 3-5 days to say, (if nothing else) “You doin’ alright?” (or get him to realize that he, should call you, at least once a week or so)
The way my Dad did it was, if he had to call me, he would ‘bitch about me not calling’, for a few minutes.
After I figured out that if I called him first, at least once a week, (so that he didn’t have to try to find me, first) all he needed was to hear me say,
“How ya doin’, Pop? I’m ok. Love ya’, talk to you next week.” :cool:
(I surely do miss that, now.) :frowning:
YMMV :wink:

So, to answer the OP… Yeah, ‘proof of life’, once a week or so, is a comfort, if not an outright neccessity.

12

I didn’t phone my parents when I was at university unless there was a birthday.

They didn’t seem to mind. They certainly didn’t phone me. My mum was in contact with my girlfriend, though, as she sure checked in on me every day…

13

My daughter and I keep in touch via Facebook. She is 22. My 19 year old son doesn’t do Facebook, doesn’t like to text/email. It bothers me when I don’t hear from him in a month, but that’s my pathology, not his.

14

I was busy with school, and I trusted that my family would contact me if they needed me for anything, and they knew I would call if I needed anything.

I didn’t ever need anything, so I never called.

My mom usually managed about a month before she called me just to make sure I wasn’t dead. She purposefully didn’t call me for a while, to see how long it would be before I called home, and she gave up after 4 months and finally called me.

I have a feeling I’m going to be the same if I have kids - I don’t think of checking on my husband when either of us are off on business trips, so why should I check on kids when they’re recognized adults? They’ll know where I am if they need me.

I think sometimes I missed the whole “urge to connect via telephone” implant that everyone else got.

15

My immediate family (father, sister and me) check in with each other nearly every day. We’re texters, so it’s not an imposition, and it’s not a requirement; everyone tends to initiate contact equally. We all just like to know how the others are doing.

16

Notice that you’re writing as if you’re always the one holding the leash and not the one being held. Assuming they’re still around, how often do you check in with your parents to let them know you’re alive? :wink:

17

Look as long as he calls before he comes through your front door he should be fine.

18

My mom sends me pathetic passive-aggressive emails once a month or so, “Just checking if you’re still alive!” Don’t do that. There’s no way to request this without sounding (and being) pathetic. If he turns up missing, his friends will report it to the police, who will call you.

So basically, chill the frack out!

19

Or, if he uses chat, sign up on the service and swap handles with him. It’s a handy way for geographically scattered family members to coordinate things like visits or holiday/birthday stuff, plus you can see if he’s online, thereby reassuring yourself without actually saying anything or asking him to check in.

I don’t have kids myself and found any sort of “hovering” annoying and a little insulting when I was younger, and chat is how I stay in touch these days.

20

My parents wanting me to text them daily would be a guaranteed way of ensuring I’d never text them. Ugh! :slight_smile: