It is rude and out of line to do that. And quite likely futile if she can’t connect the one specific thing she said to the tip. If you want to help her become a better waitress, explain to her that you find her action objectionable (rude, manipulative, whatever) and that it makes you inclined to leave a smaller tip or none at all if it happens again.
Typically leaving 20% does not make you a very good tipper.
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I’m guessing that the server is more experienced at this game than you. Maybe experience shows that the amount of their tips increases when they don’t return a stack of small bills for change.
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I can’t say it’d bother me, but I can’t say I’ve been asked (but I also haven’t paid for food at a sit down place with cash…ever). Theoretically, I guess, it could be as simple as in her experience some wanted change back and some wanted her to keep as a tip so she just finds out which the customer wants by asking. No loaded intent; just trying to give people what they want. “Never assume” and all that. Socially/professionally awkward. And there could be manipulative intent. I just tend to take things at face value (“do you want change?” means “do you want change?” and is not a ploy) - though that’s not always a good thing.
The next time, you could just ask her if she thinks a 60-70% tip is appropriate, and why. 
As far as restaurant management’s role goes, it seems to be involved in the common practice of “suggested” 15-20-25% tips printed on credit card receipts which are calculated on after tax bill totals, which runs counter to tradition, the Emily Post Institute and common sense which dictate that tip percentage is calculated based on the pre-tax total.
You bet I want my change if I’m paying in cash.
Cash, mi amigo, cash. And that’s the minimum. It’s usually more-- I should have posted “at least 20%”.
It does in Canada. (Our servers don’t have a reduced minimum wage.) I thought that even in the states 20% was pretty reasonable. Has tip inflation down there increased that much?
Even more awkward, when paying by card I am sometimes asked, “did you want to leave a tip?”.
mmm
I honestly don’t see the problem. It’s a perfectly civil and functional question. The “Game-playing” that you all have added on to it has been, well, added on to it by you. It’s entirely possible that the waitress just wanted to know whether she could pocket this and get on to the next table, or whether she needed to count it now and make change.
What I find rude is wait staff who obviously look at how much I have left for them. To my mind, she was maintaining the polite fiction that she didn’t have a clue.
Absolutely this.
I hate this question from servers, and I don’t think I have experienced it in quite some time, probably because I don’t pay in cash that often any more. Just bring the change, and make sure there are some small bills in there so I can leave you a tip. Don’t make me work for it, and don’t try to embarrass me.
There are enough potentially awkward tipping situations (suppose the bill is $55 and all I have is $20’s? If I leave four $20’s do you think I’m being generous, or do you bring back my change with the extra $20 broken down into smaller bills? It’s kind of a good test to see if the waitperson is experienced) without adding to them.
So you laid down $20 on an $11 tab. By my math, that’s nearly an 80% tip. Generous is fine and good on yer for it, but that’s into range where I think most diners would expect some change back to leave a more normal-scale tip. A waitron who just walked off with that expecting to keep it would probably find him/her self in an embarrassing position.
So asking (gracefully) or (you) saying “take it” is perfectly in order.
OTOH, my daughter got a $100 tip from a young couple the other night. On a $30 tab. Very carefully written out and added up, no question of mistaking it.
She ran out after them to say thanks.
Please don’t embarrass Canada this way. Minimum wage is set by the province and some provinces most definitely have a reduced minimum wage for servers.
I just happened to be at a pub after work tonight (in Ottawa) and asked the bar tender what the minimum wage was for her; it’s $9 something whereas normal minimum wage is $11 something.
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I served tables for nine years and I have some thoughts on this.
Generally, when a server asks “Do you want change?” there are a few things that could be behind it:
Unconscious bad form: The server isn’t necessarily trying to separate the customer from his/her cash right at that moment, but would simply like to know right now whether they need to go away, do math, and return. This is handy information to have, but not at the expense of bad form.
Conscious bad form: Sometimes, as a server, I was under such pressure I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. The best I could do was to simply strive to ensure the base mechanics were occurring: Take the order. They eat. They pay. They leave. At times it was entirely necessary to ask, “Do you want change?” simply as a means to help me keep the plane from crashing into the mountain. Split seconds really do matter on occasion as serving can, at times, require tremendous organizational ability, very thick skin, chameleon-like social skills, and endless mental and physical stamina. I would be on the brink of failure and any advantage was essential. At that point,I didn’t care about tips at all. Keep your money. All I wanted was to keep the plane from crashing into the mountain!!
Money grubbing: The server wants the money and hopefully this question will prompt a reply of “Just keep it.”. Whether this is what the customer actually wants or whether they find themselves too uncomfortable to say “Yes, I want my change.” is of no importance to the money grubber. It’s unethical to apply pressure this way with the knowledge that some people are susceptible to it.
As a server I would never ask a customer “Do you need change?” unless absolutely necessary for the aforementioned reason. Some customers don’t care about the question at all, while others find the question very offensive. The customer deserves the benefit of the doubt and a clear, unloaded, “I’ll be right back with your change.” takes care of this. At that point, a good server starts to walk away immediately while secretly listening for a cue from the customer, should one be imminent. There is to be no strategic lingering, knowing eye contact, or betraying body language. If the cue doesn’t come, the server is to keep right on walking without skipping a beat. There is thus no sign from the server that the idea of a tip isn’t the farthest thing from their mind. Professionalism is maintained. The customer still has the chance to say, “Oh, no. Keep it.”, if that’s what they wish, and if they don’t, well, it doesn’t matter because the server is next to gone. Awkwardness avoided.
Should the customer give the server the money after an “I’ll be right back”, a good server does not look at their loot at that moment but instead puts the package aside, looks right at the customer and gives them a sincere, “Well thank you very much!”.
Upthread, I read suggestions that servers are instructed to ask, “Do you want your change?”. This does not occur, generally. At least, not in restaurants that are worth their salt. Management don’t care about the server’s tip above striving to provide a positive experience for the customer, and the question risks that. In some restaurants, if management heard the server ask that, they would be strung up by their ears.
Seems to be SOP at bars with cocktail waitresses. I’m guessing they’re doing it because it’s working, or at least they think it’s working when someone says no. A lot of waiters are good at reading people, maybe you just look like an easy mark.
It is not remotely SOP. You either don’t go to bars or go to scummy bars to think so.
I first learned that a server asking “Do you need change?” meant “May I keep your change as a tip?” around fifteen years ago. Before then, I would have been puzzled by it.
I learned of it when a relative of mine told me about a meal he’d had in a diner. He’d finished a lunch costing six or seven dollars, and gave the waitress a twenty. She asked him if he needed change, and he reflexively said no. The question does sound sort of like you’re being asked if you want something extra. And if you don’t want anything extra, it’s understandable that you’d say no.
As I said, I might have made the same mistake when confronted by the question. But I like to think I would have corrected myself: “Oh wait, you’re asking whether you can keep fourteen dollars - over 200% - as a tip?”
My guess is that she would have realized the ridiculousness of the amount, and the obtuseness of her question, and said no.
If she’d answered yes, I would have replied, “Uh, ma’am, you did a fine job, but I will need some change”.
What annoys me about the incident is that my relative can’t forget about it - fifteen years later, he brings it up every time we eat out together.
This, exactly.
If the server sees I’m paying with plastic, they say, “I’ll be right back”.
If the server sees green, they say, “Do you need change?”
A few times lately, I’ve been paying for each drink at the bar with cash, saving my tip till the end. I’ll wind up running low on cash, so I’ll pay for my last drink with a card. So I’ll pay $5.00 on the card and leave a $12.00 tip. My credit card company messages me asking if the service was really that great.
Maybe their tip amount does increase, for most customers.
In my case, what usually winds up happening is they have to work a little harder, because I’ll wait for them to come back, and ask them to break the five (or ten, or whatever it is). And then I’ll likely leave a slightly smaller tip than I would have otherwise, because the service (which includes the monetary transaction itself) has become less effective to me.
And if you think a 20% cash tip (on the after-tax total, mind) isn’t “very good,” I’d like to know what would qualify as “very good” to you.
Psychology agrees with you: