Do yyou born-again Christians have enough TV stations yet?

The BBQ Pit
1

I don’t have cable.

Flipping through the channels, fully one third of the TV stations that I recieve broadcast nothing but religious programming. It’s all the same – preachers during the day, kiddie shows in the afternoon, Bible study at night, and more preachers in the early AM. Six stations here in Denver, a metro area that doesn’t necessarily thump its Bible hard, and who knows how many more are in Colorado Springs, the Rocky Mountain outpost of the Bible Belt.

Meanwhile, when I tune my dial through the AM band, I recieve about 10 or 12 religous stations during the daytime. More preaching, Bible study and suprisingly, open endorsement of G-Dub (can non-profit religious organizations endorse presidential candidates?), but there’s also Christian rock – the most gawd-awful sounding music you’ll hear, not because of the message, but rather because the musicians just aren’t talented.

So, why do you born-again Christians require so many broadcasting outlets? If you want to listen to preachers and hear Bible study, wouldn’t one or two stations in a major market be enough, since all the programing is essentially identical? If you’re trying to save heathens, wouldn’t it be more effective if you sold your now valuable airspace, using the proceeds to sponsor more cost-effective ministries? I see the Arbitron and Neilson ratings for born-aghan Christian radio and TV stations – few are watching, except maybe the most devout.

Radio sucks – that’s a given. Hey, fundies – why not make a sacrifice, and sell a few stations to private companies or community groups, so there’ll be more variety on the airwaves.

2

Now, I hate fundies as much as the next Satanist.

But relax! Look at these stations as something to laugh at. I mean, it’s better than a B-movie.

If worse comes to worst, get cable. Or a book.

3

Do you think that maybe thats the only kind of TV show that can survive without cable shudder.

4

Um, it’s called Freedom of Press. Annoying as you may find it, it exists. Deal with it.

And living in the South I seem to hear more Country than I prefer, but oh well. That’s life. Develop thicker skin.

5

Fundies need their TV stations, After all, they can’t drink, screw, or gamble, and we know that fundies don’t read, except for the Left Behind books, and they probably have to
have someone point out the big words.

6

Maybe you could tune in to a few of these shows and ask the good lord to cure your stuttering problem.

7

Hey! That’s an in…in…in… DARN TWO SYLLABLE WORD!

I guess I shall recomend that if you don’t want to listen/watch religious programming then don’t. I know this solution may be hard to remember, so feel free to copy and paste my suggestion wherever you please. Of course, quoting a religious source on how to avoid religious sources is kinda moronic, but whattheheck.

8

So they can’t. But they drink, screw and gamble more than most people I’ve met. Try the South. Go to tittie bars and reservation gambling, and strike up a god conversation at random, and you’ll see what I mean.

Putting the “FUN” back in “Fundie.”

9

: Maybe you could tune in to a few of these shows and ask
: the good lord to cure your stuttering problem.

I thinkk I’ll ask the goodd Lord to makke sure my ccomputer doessn’t crrashh while I sswap ouut keeyboarrrds. Keybounce, youu knoow.

10

[sidenote] The pit rules. I love to hear you guys rant. Y’all put so much expression, satire, and humor in your complaints I can’t get enough of this place. [/sidenote]

11

Actually, I enjoy watching religious programming because it’s such a hoot! Have you ever watched TBN? I love those gaudy thrones that the hosts sit in. And doesn’t Jan Crouch’s scrunched-up little face in that huge wig make her look like a deranged Pomeranian? Her look could inspire a whole new generation of drag queens.

In addition, some of these TV evangelists, like Rod Parsely, are really hot!

12

I think we’re overlooking the probability that each of these shows rakes in a lot of dough for its founders, and therein lies the reason for their proliferation.

13

My dad and I have been known to sit there and watch the fundies screaming, while laughing our asses off.

I remember when Jim and Tammy Faye Baker had their show, and I’d always get annoyed, because I was I was waiting for it to be over so She-Ra, Princess of Power would come on.

14

Ever notice how you can spot a TV preacher in a matter of seconds, before he even opens his mouth, just from the hairdo? They all have that helmety-lush-salt-n-pepper-controlled 'do. Even the Mexican ones we get here in San Francisco.

15

Perhaps the problem is that the Christians shows are, well, a little corny. One of the few exceptions was this psychedelic cartoon about the life of Jesus I saw a few months back.

16

Awww. You’re just saying that so we won’t beat you too hard, jenkinsfan.

17

NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Cable is worse. Of the fifty-or-so channels on my cable, about five are religious channels of various flavors and denominations. You got your hollerers, you got your finger-wavers, you got your tammyfayefaced-bimbos, you got your side-show healers, and you got your tee-vee televangelists that never were tee-vee televangelists. Six to eight (depending on the time of day) channels are news networks that have had nothing to report on but the dogshit presidential elections, six are sports channels that are a waste (you know if there is a 24-hour golf channel, there has to be a 24-hour bowling channel, and a 24-hour fishing channel, and a 24-hour luge channel, and…). Four are music channels; two are country plus MTV and VH1 which both suck anymore. There’s eight to ten “access” channels that have nothing but thirty-minute commercials featuring spackling for your face, exercise equipment of all shapes and descriptions, acne goop, non-acne goop, fat-sucking pills, fat-sucking shake mixes, fat-sucking vacuum cleaners, devices to inflict electroshock therapy to your face, ovens that spin your food into submission, grills that cook from all sides, nonstick round pans, nonstick square pans, nonstick pans that have no pan, just the non-stick, and non-nonstick pans that cook your food without actually being heated at that very second. This is in addition to the four other shopping channels that have jewelry, jewelry, jewelry, jewelry, and special daily values of even more fucking jewelry, plus the fly-by-night three or four channels that appear and disappear based on which mad salesperson took over the satellite that second; these have nothing but collectible painted coin sets, non-painted coin sets, baseball/football/soccer cards, plates, cups, saucers, pewter, stamps, and anything else that someone can pimp to some bleary-eyed sucker at three in the morning.

Talk about your vast wasteland.

Actually I bet Bill Clinton would make a good Televangelist, with Hillary the makeup-soaked teary-eyed bimbo to stand behind him and encourage him, popping out every few sentences and exclaiming “Thayat’s raaght, Beyull”. Songs would be provided by the Gores, with Monica and the Moaners as backups. For only five hunnert dollars you can have a one-square inch piece of this here blue dress, blessed by Big Daddy Bill hisself, hallelujia. So send your rent check today to this PO box and don’t fergit to stamp those envelopes because your letters with that there postage due make Jeezus mad as hell, Ah tell yuh.

18

Because there’s demand for it. There are 150 channels on my satellite service broadcasting the same idiotic, insulting sitcoms like “Ally McBeal.” There must be an economic reason for it.

19

They really can be quite amusing. My favorite is this guy that preaches against rock 'n roll. One of his flock mentioned something about enjoying Christian Rock and was reamed a new one by the preacher for about 10 minutes. Apparently ALL forms of rock are evil and tools of the devil. Woe to the unbeliever!

And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house, including thy furniture, and thy non-perishable food items, there being no refrigerators in heaven.

20

My all-time favorite was one of these televangelists (I wish I could remember which one) who had a good ten minute spiel on how the Internet was a tool of the devil, corrupting us all, and that we should all avoid using it. Shortly after that, he flashed up the URL of his website, where you could go and make a donation to his ministry with your Mastercard, Visa, Discover, or American Express.