In Cecil’s erudite column he uses the word “wanker” as a synonym for penis. Is this common usage anywhere? I was given to understand that Americans in general were not familiar with this (British) expression. In any case, that’s not what it means (or, at least, I’ve never heard it used that way in Britain). The wanker is the person doing the wanking, not the part he’s doing it to. 
Just last night I was remembering a bit of a controversy I heard about Miami Vice, where (guest star) Phil Collins called someone a wanker. It apparently only got through the censors because they didn’t understand what he meant.
But yes, my understanding is that wanker is the person, and wanking is what he’s doing. Having a wank describes the process, not the equipment.
I’ve never heard of wank/penis being interchangeable.
If a wanker is the person doing it, I guess what it is being done to is the wankee?
The OED does not list such a meaning.
While there’s a part of my brain scanning records for *any *joke along those lines, for the most part I think it’s more likely to be the ‘banker/customer’ unconnected construction.
Sigh.
Perhaps pigs’ willies are a bunch of wankers. Having never met one personally, I really couldn’t say.
Consider “Willy Wanka and the Chocolate Factory”: “Wonka” is just a variation on “Wanka” . Freud, Jung, and all the Mind-Miners would have a field day. Especially with being a “wanka” (i.e., “gangsta” is just another way of pronouncing “gangster”), the reference to the “willy”, (which everyone knows is a “cute” li’l name for penis), and the objective reference to the goal of The Chocolate Factory, a.k.a. The Hershey Highway.
So, to recap: SOMEONE is “wanking willy” (i.e., masturbating) while thinking of a sexual object, “The Chocolate Factory”, a euphemism for anal sex.
Well, that puts a new spin on Augustus Gloop disappearing up the chocolate pipe!
à la anthony blanche?
The line is:
Accompanying this passage is a helpful drawing revealing that not only does the male pig have a corkscrew-shaped wanker, the female pig has a corkscrew-shaped receptacle, as it were…
Perhaps there was a very oddly-shaped human helping said pig?
Pigs are not the only animals with odd shaped sexual organs.
(Nor the largest in relation to body size, as per the link below. SFW)
(bolding mine)
[nit pick] Shouldn’t that read, “not the part he’s doing it with.” 
Would the following examples be grammatically correct? 
He’s a such a wanker.
He wanted to wank her.
She really enjoyed getting wanked.
They were caught wanking in the car park.
It’d have to be:
He wanted to wank her off.
She really enjoyed getting wanked off.
But they’d both look odd, since wanking is usually for self-pleasuring, not others.
One experienced wanker to others … no… wait… I wont go there…
The best English head line ever was “the ruddy duck has an 8 inch secret” but I was always lead to believe the biggest knob to body ratio was going to be the barnacle.
scifisam - We dont really “wank” women off over here do we… Its just not said lol. Not through vulgarity prevention measures, it just doesn’t really sound right.
Ahhh! I think I understand, now. :smack:
‘Wanking’ (or is it, ‘wanking off’?) is the colloquial English equivalent of the American euphemism, ‘jacking off’. (ie: masturbating)
Correct? 
Correct - except ‘jacker’ hasn’t entered your language in any meaningful way.
Like the British ‘frigging’ - as explained by those jolly musical chaps the Sex Pistols, who attempted to popularise it with their little sea shanty Frigging in the Rigging ('Cause there’s fuck all else to do).
I see from a quick googling (as it were) that they’ve performed this song with the Muppets. I’m kind of scared to watch the video. ETA: Mash up of Muppets video and SP soundtrack. Weird but funny if you like seeing innocent children’s characters performing gross out humor. I do!
I’ve heard it for women more in the past few years, but yeah, it’s mostly for men.
Wanking is masturbating, wanking someone else off is jacking them off.
I wonder if ‘jerk someone off’ has a similar meaning, or used to? It’d make the mild insult ‘you jerk-off!’ be a little more colourful.
‘Jacker’ is used to a certain extent over here in the colonies, just not with sexual undertones. I’m certain you’re familiar with the term ‘carjack’, aren’t you? (ie: To steal someones car while they’re in it. Such as, at a stop sign or red light.) The term ‘to jack’ or ‘jacked’ is pretty common street slang for robbery or theft.
And ‘frigging’ is not all that uncommon either. (And it’s used exactly like your example.) It’s a slightly more polite way of saying ‘fucking’, is all.