I’ve noticed that whenever someone starts a thread here about people’s childhood experiences, eventually everyone starts telling all of these horrible stories about the home they grew up in- their parents beat them, molested them, tortured them, drank excessively, told them that they wished they had gotten an abortion- that type of thing.
But did anyone here grow up in a ‘normal’ family, like the kind you’d see on ‘The Cosby Show’ or ‘Leave It to Beaver’, where the only arguments were about what mom is cooking for dinner? Is the concept of the non-dysfunctional family a myth??
Well, I would guess that I grew up in a pretty non-dysfunctional family. My father almost never raised his voice at us (my mother, myself and siblings) and he was full of Ward-Cleaver like honesty and integrity. Actually, to this day, I have never met a more moral person who walked the walk (I would include “talked the talk” but he was always modest). He never had a period of unemployment and that ensured very little financial stress for the family. My mother never worked outside of the home while me and my 2 brothers and sister were growing up. We attended church every week, even if we were on vacation, and we were very active in Boy Scouts (both my brothers got their Eagle Scout, though I didn’t). I can’t recall even one time that my parents have had a fight and they have been married now for almost 31 years.
I come from a very boring, non-dysfunctional family that was (and is) full of laughter and love (cue sappy music). My mother and father were high school sweethearts, have been married for 50 years, have only lived in one house, and I’ve never heard them have a cross word for each other. They have become “Robertshirley” - one organism.
We (my three bros. and I) were raised with a tremendous amount of love and affection. We were also disciplined when appropriate. We all knew what was expected of us, even though it was never actually voiced. When my next oldest brother died of AIDS in 1990 it was very heartening to see how we all pulled together and how much closer we all became (if that was possible).
I wouldn’t trade my family (or my experiences with my family) for anything in the world. When I read some of the posts here re: what terrible family situations some of the other Dopers have to endure I realize how fortunate I am.
I love my family, I have the best parents in the world. We certainly weren’t rich growing up, but you could not ask for two better people. They were great to us kids, and have put in hours and hours of hard work helping abused and neglected animals (well, that’s my mom, my dad works with abused children, which is important too )
I have always told my mother and father that I couldn’t have mail-ordered better parents. My mother was my Girl Scout leader for 6 years. I was in ballet, my brother in baseball and my parents were at every event. My mom stayed at home until I was in high school. My dad was my hero. Yeah, I had a great childhood. No dysfunction in sight.
Uhhhh…my family is pretty functional. I had a good, safe childhood. My parents are still married (30th anniversary this year!). My sister’s a nutcase, but I don’t think it’s because of my family. (She’s nineteen, so we live in hope that she’ll eventually Get Over It.)
However, we don’t fit into a sitcom mold at all. I can’t see a network greenlighting a show about a family of unreligious socialists who occasionally gasp argue.
Well, my family certainly wasn’t Cleaveresque; we were much too weird for that. It was a fun weird, though. I don’t remember any fighting between my parents, and my brother and I never went through the big “fight with the folks” stage that most teens seem to. My brother and I didn’t fight much, either. I’d say we were pretty non-dysfunctional. My mother died when I was 15, but even that didn’t strain my relationship with my father and brother–it just pulled us closer together.
Although my childhood home was quite dysfunctional, I’d have to say my son’s home is quite functional. Outsiders may call it dysfunctional since I never married my son’s father and he has never lived in our home, but to me that’s not dysfunctional, it’s just “alternative” or “not the norm”.
I am mentally stable and have never indulged in drugs or alcohol. I don’t gamble, overspend, or even smoke anymore.
My son and I have a very open, loving, mutually supportive relationship. We laugh together, sometimes cry together, but always love each other unconditionally. He was occasionally spanked when I found it to be necessary but has never been beaten. He has never been abused, physically, emotionally, or sexually (well, that did happen once but it was from a member of MY dysfunctional family - which we have since estranged ourselves from completely).
My son’s opinion may differ. I know my mother always though she was a model parent.
I’m not perfect, and my son is not perfect. But at least his home life didn’t mess him up so bad he needs years of therapy just to function.
Normal as can be. I can’t think of a divorce anywhere in my family. No black sheep to speak of. No major fighting or yelling. No arrests, criminals, disappearances, alien sightings, runaways, unmarried pregnancies, looked down upon significant others, etc.
Of course, when I also consider my in-laws all of the above go out the window.
Can you be from a divorced family and still be functional? My parents divorced when I was 11, but they were both loving, caring parents to my brother and I and we didn’t have major communication problems or big fallings-out or anything…
Mine was just fine. We had a white picket fence, lived in a quiet Midwestern rural-ish area. 2 kids who got along well, the usual assortment of pets, parents who stayed married (until my dad died when I was in my early 20s). We were good kids and got very nice grades.
Of course, my sister and I still got hit with some mental disorders, but we think that was probably partially genetic.
I don’t even want to talk about my husband’s family, though - yeesh.
Nothing dysfunctional in my family. Boring (but wonderful) childhood, great sibling relationships. Our parents (who are still married) never mistreated us, and were unwaveringly kind and supportive.
I feel incredibly fortunate to have such a great family.
What’s normal? Couples in one culture in China don’t marry at all. Instead, children are raised by brothers and sisters. Women take lovers, but the fathers don’t live with the mothers of their children. This is just one example of an alternative arrangement to child care (alternative to the North American norm, I mean).
The nuclear family isn’t necessarily the ideal family. Indeed, one can argue that there is no such thing. Or rather, that the ideal family is one where children are loved by their guardians, and that the rest is window dressing.
PS
I said that the point is arguable. I never once claimed it was immutable, so there’s no need to start a debate over proper child care.
PPS
If you want more information about the people I mentioned, then you’ll have to wait while I look into old-fashioned books and such. I doubt there are non-academic sites open to the general public that reproduce entire ethnographies. But I’ll only do it if someone asks me to.
My parents have been married over 40 years now, lived in the same house for 39 years. Dad’s had the same job for pretty much that whole time, no unemployment problems. 4 kids, we all graduated college, 3 of us with masters degrees. 3 of the kids are married there are 6 grandkids. Nary a divorce in the bunch.
We’re SO functional, that in 2 weeks we’re all going on vacation together. That’s my parents, their 4 kids and 3 kids in law, and 6 grandkids, all in the same house. We do this family thing every other year, it’s great (at least when the grandkids are good).
My father came from a terrible family, but our family was just fine. Mom and Dad are still together, no drug habits (well, smoking) no alcoholism, no abuse. My parents told my sister and I that they loved us just about every single day.
Yeah, my family has always been basically functional. I’m sure if I thought hard enough, I could come up with ways that it ways less than perfect—fights, arguments, things that my parents maybe should have done that they didn’t—but the more I see and hear of other families, the more I appreciate my own.
“The Cosby Show” or “Leave It To Beaver”? Well, maybe with some “Malcolm In the Middle” mixed in. (But with much better grandparents!)
Mine was a functional family. Pretty close to the Cosby family with kids arguing and acting like asses occasionally, but parents firmly in control. I was shocked to hear my friends in college talking about how Dad spent the night on the couch after a big fight. In my whole life I never heard my parents fight, the most was a discussion and then solution. I was blessed with a rock-solid family base.
We weren’t sitcom or picture-postcard material, by any means, but overall we’re pretty functional. We love each other and always have, even during the times when we didn’t much like one another.
Sure we got mad at each other. We’re human, and no human being can live with someone else without ever getting angry with them. We argued, we bickered, and sometimes we even yelled at one another. Parents, kids, all of us at some point or another. My brother and I hid food and toys from one another, sometimes out of greed, sometimes just to be assholes. My parents didn’t always understand me, and a lot of times we were disappointed in one another’s behavior.
Even during the fussing and fighting and screaming, even as I yelled “You don’t love me!”, I always knew they did. Even my jerky big brother. We always knew that it would blow over, and that we would always be there for each other when the shit hit the fan. I know that right now I could call any one of them, say that I needed them, and they’d make the 700 mile trip ASAP, no questions asked.
It might not be the ideal family, but it works for us, which I guess by definition makes it functional.
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