I am looking for intelligent people to help give me feedback as I write my first novel.
Here is my teaser: Amy Beckett works as a dancer at a gentleman’s club. She never expected that her life would be turned upside down–that she would live the rest of her life as a vampire, in an emotional tangle with the two men who love her the most, while she tries to track down the man responsible for changing her life.
I’m at 18,600 words so far, which is about 41 single-spaced pages in Word.
Is anyone interested in reading it and letting me know how I’m doing? I want honest criticism–what’s working, what isn’t, what’s good, what’s boring, what’s believable, what’s not… etc.
I’m nearing the end of chapter 2 right now and so far it’s establishing what her normal life is like, though she has met the vampire who will turn her (she doesn’t know he isn’t human) and some events have been set in motion for the plot. The story is going to start moving forward more in chapter 3.
I would love to read it! I actually have been doing this for years, writing and letting friends read along, chapter by chapter, hoping for feedback. Lately, I have been getting nothing-zip, nada, zilch, and have been feeling very uninspired. Maybe by reading & critiquing yours, I will find my muse…
OK I sent out the first three chapters in both .doc and .mobi format. I would like it best if we could discuss the story here in the thread, because that way you could see what the others are saying and agree/disagree, etc, and we could have more of a conversation about it.
Thanks for sending it to us, it looks you’ve been putting a lot of work into it.
I have two main pieces of constructive criticism, from what I’ve read, and I think both observations will go away as you continue writing and get more dialed in to the project.
Number one, the pacing feels a little mechanical. Instead of being drawn into the plot, in a lot of places it reads like the characters are walking through a checklist: “I danced, and this is what it looked like. Then I went home. I ate dinner and talked with my boyfriend.” I’m obviously over-exaggerating to illustrate what I mean, but in general I got the feeling that minimal details were lashed around each scene in order to get from one plot point to the next.
My other observation is that, at least so far, most of your characters sound very similar. If I were to read any of their lines out of context I would have absolutely no idea who was speaking, and they can inadvertently come off as robotic when I fail to read the character and their motivations through their dialog.
Like I said, though, I think both are going to vanish as you keep writing and get more used to writing for these characters.
Thanks, I kind of have those same ideas myself, and I figured I’d go back and do some minor rewriting after I’ve developed the characters a bit more. Also the first two chapters are very different from how the rest of the book will go, so I’m not too worried about the “mechanical” problem. The first two chapters are just for setting up what her life is like normally, so we can see what changes.
Minor nitpick, but it’s important to the plot: it’s her husband, not her boyfriend.
OK Everyone who has asked for it should have the first four chapters. Please give me some feedback here. If you want it in .mobi format instead of the pdf I sent let me know. The pdf is better formatted.
Forgot I was reading a piece of the book, and got mad when Chapter 4 was over.
I, too, think that the pacing is a little mechanical, but without seeing the rest of the work, will reserve final judgment. Some books need to have the pacing, as it provides a sense of uneasiness at a subconscious level.
I do like your details about the club and the dancers. For those who have not been to one before, the description of the actions are spot on. One would think that the writer had spent some time in a few…
There are two main types of Vampire stories: those that involve shock and terror and gore and those that focus more on the isolation and psychological effects of living with the transformation. I suspect that this is the latter but would prefer confirmation before going too deep into structural observations.
I agree with what others have said about “fleshing out” the family members and was pleased to see some useful feedback you’d gotten in the subsequent thread. In additions to behavioral additions you might want to include a bit more chatter from the Amy character regarding her feelings toward Kara.
Dale seems unrealistically passive.
Overall, I liked what I read. Amy seems likable in her positivity and attention to detail but I think there are some issues that will arise with the likability/believability of the character without some minor adjustments.
If I were in Development I’d bite on this one. It seems to be coming from a rare, if not unique, viewpoint.
I think you’re right about Dale. He’s going to step up though, now that he has to be the primary caregiver for Kara and so on, so I should be able to flesh him out more now. He hasn’t really had much to do so far. I was thinking of maybe talking more about the street fair than I did, and showing them more dynamically as a family. Or maybe include Dale more in the zoo scene.
There are men like him out there. They don’t feel the need to thump their chest and drag their knuckles on the ground, but they will stomp the living daylights out of you if you mess with their family.
