Generally I love to see people clearly adoring their children and even doting on them - I don’t even mind if they ‘spoil’ them a bit (as long as they aren’t clearly turning the child into a brat by being too permissive). This is probably because I like children, would like to have my own, and had a mother who didn’t/doesn’t like me much and wasn’t nice to me.
But I understand what the OP is saying, when it comes to some people. I know I’m going to love my own kids a lot but I think I will be a much more hands-off parent in many ways than some people I know. Family is so important but you can have kids without everything in your life being about kid stuff, 24/7…
My dad was actually a bit like that; he just loved us SO MUCH and it was bordering on an obsession in some ways. Frankly, he often annoyed me and made me a bit uncomfortable with the sheer intensity of his doting love, even as a small child. In his case it had a lot to do with his personal issues;’ he was adopted and very very different from everyone in his family, so having 3 little people who looked and acted like him kind of blew his mind. He could spend all day identifying with us.
It’s so crazy watching my mom with my brother’s kid. She’s just so fascinated by the little bugger! Every time I speak with her on the phone she tells me of some cute little quirk and how close my niece is to walking. I’m pretty sure my niece is just like an interactive television to my parents!
Considering there are kids out there tonight that are going to have the unholy hell beaten out of them (among other things) for no reason other than they were born to monsters, nope, overly gushy parents don’t bother me one bit.
Yes, you can go overboard in praising your children but so what? I’d rather see a kid OVERconfident than under. Life will knock them down a few pegs, may as well start out with a little too much self-esteem and end up normal than end up with “normal” self esteem then end up hating yourself by your mid 20s or so.
The only time it bothers me is if it is bothering the kids. Like, when they are obviously distressed and trying to get away but the adult keeps forcing them to “cuddle.” There’s something about a forced hug that brings out an incredible level of revulsion in me. However, if the kids ok with it, the parents can act like goofuses if they want and its all good.
I loved everything you said here. Beautiful. I had wonderful parents, who while loving me unconditionally, could not shelter me from the real disappointments this world has to offer, nor did they try. But they hugged me and kissed me and told me that they loved me. I knew it and felt it. To this day (I’m 34), I know I have no bigger fans. No one will ever love me like my parents do.
And when my first arrives (in approximately 6 weeks), I am going to love the shit out of him. I want him to know that no matter what life throws at him, he has at least one person who loves him unconditionally.
Yeah. I can think of one local mother who’s so over-the-top enthusiastic gushing about her new mummy-life and mummy-friends and mummy-this-n-that, that you just know she’s insecure about something deep down, and most likely to crack with post-partum depression out of all the parents I know.
The other ones are much more realistic and just as likely to bend your ear about how many times they’ve been puked on, how little sleep they’ve had, as to tell you about the latest achievement Junior’s got up to.
Yep. I was thinking in particular of someone I knew who was constantly gushing about her kids in a way that said “Notice and appreciate what a Supermom I am.”
I’m not bothered by lots of affection, but it makes me ache a little if just because my own mom wasn’t terribly affectionate. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a great mom, but she just doesn’t have the kind of personality where she’d swoop in and cuddle us if we scraped our knees. She’d help us up, dust us off, clean our wounds and send us on our way, but she wouldn’t go on and on about her “poor little injured baby.” And that’s kind of interesting that I feel that way, because on the rare occasions where she DID show that kind of affection, it was always awkward and weird.
One thing that gets me about some parents is that they seem to lose their identity completely. I don’t really see this in public, but on the net (though not necessarily on the Dope) I’ll sometimes see folks who introduce themselves as “_______'s mommy.” Or the ONLY thing they’ll talk about is their child. It’s like the parent doesn’t exist anymore, which, quite frankly, scares the crap out of me. I HATE the idea of losing my identity like that, because I’m continuously discovering new things about myself, and I don’t want to lose all of that just because I had a kid. I think it would be doing both me and my kid a great disservice, because then they would never truly get to know me.
And when the poop hits the diaper, you get to say “uh, Bro? Change required”. And when your Bro is waxing poetic about how good his baby daughter is with jigsaws, you get to say “her brother’s sister, you know”, and then when he says the boy wasn’t this good at that age, you get to remind your brother that “well, she’s been exposed to jigsaws since before she could crawl; he got his first at the age she is now, courtesy of his Evil Aunt, and if I recall correctly (which you know I do), that Corrupting Toy got me a glare from a certain Bro of mine”. And then your Bro says “you… you… you’re evil!” and you get to grin from ear to ear.
Why, yes, I’m nuts about my nephews, why do you ask? And I find it hilarious that their arrival has meant a chance to go on educating… their father.
I’d love to be more physically affectionate with them, but Bro and his wife look at our side of the family like we have something contagious any time we or the kids initiate a hug, rather than getting one because They decreed so Apparently we should get a hug every time we meet, and a kiss on the cheek every time we part, but anything more is Inappropriate.
Back to the OP’s subject, I agree with the person who said (too lazy to go back and look it up) that there is a difference between loving your kids to pieces and spoiling them or ignoring obnoxious behavior (there is a clear difference between a parent who’s acting like they don’t know that kid and one who’s making a point of “not providing positive feedback for misbehavior”). People loving their kids to pieces is fine by me so long as the parents remain firmly In Charge; people pampering their kids aren’t doing them any favors.
Where the kids opinion in all this? What is it with kids these days. I always got uncomfortable with displays of spontaneous displays of affection and if either parent had ever done it in public, I would have been mortified. My parents showed the loved me by their actions; they lived apart for several years when my father was posted elsehwere so I and my sister could go to the best schools. Thats love. Not a hug followed by “say kiddo, can you cook, cause we is going out partying tonight”.
AK84, that’s interesting because a lot of children who were separated from a parent feel that if only they had had the parent nearer, in spite of the worse quality of life in other aspects, they would have been happier. What you value is not what everyone else values and wants.
I used to be freaked out by all the parent-child love then I had kids and I realized… it’s evolutionary biology. I find it freakish if people aren’t all over their kids. Like, what gives? That’s your eternal future right there, your genes 100, 1,000, 10,000 years from now if all goes well. You must love them more than life itself!
That made me sad. My mom was kind of like that - the brothers got all the attention - but she does have a general idea of who I am and what I do now that I’m an adult. I think it’s cause I gave her bragging rights (kind of like you with your mom) and because she’s not yelling at me to clean my room anymore. I remember the time she got at me a hairdryer for my birthday, the coat in her size and style, and the smelly lavender soap this year even though I’m a Jergen’s girl. Am I that difficult to buy for?
But…she’s also the woman who got me my first typewriter, who knows my son loves Mario Bros and got him a spot-on birthday gift, and who put my new tires on her credit card before Colorado’s first big snowfall and I didn’t even ask.
I’ve always felt like my mother noticed me but just “wasn’t a fan” and sometimes she buys me things out of guilt/because she had to. The “extra special” loving stuff went towards my brothers, no doubt. Always. But she knows me.
Anyway, this thread makes me extra-excited for morning. My son is coming to work with me today (inservice) and I’m making us breakfast.
If you understood how all-consuming kids are, you would understand this phenomenon. Most parents have not lost their identity, but instead have to focus their time and resources on something other than themselves. Which, in my opinion, makes you grow as a human being leaps and bounds beyond simply taking classes or whatever to just “find yourself”.
The same ones who, are threatened by any sign of independence… tell their kids they they are “not allowed” to get jobs, have friends, leave the house, be their own person; then later they “have” to go to college in their town; they “have” to live at home; … the whole package of fostering dependence so that Mommy will never ever ever have to face that she’s just a husk of a person.
You know it exists, don’t act like it doesn’t. “Love” (or so they call it) can be used as a weapon as much, if not more so, than neglect.
Depends on the age, of course. At least by the teen years, and probably long before in most cases, most children don’t even want to admit that they HAVE parents. Which is all the more reason to cuddle & lovey them when they’re babies & toddlers.
Apparently we should get a hug every time we meet, and a kiss on the cheek every time we part, but anything more is Inappropriate.