Is my SO’s not shaving, lapsed haircut and no cologne a meaningful sign of lapsing romance?
If your guy takes you to dinner without changing his shirt, does it mean he doesn’t see you as his date?
I dunno, honey, but just in case…
((((Cyn))))
Scotti
Thanks, Scotti, because I don’t know either; I just know it feels kind of lousy.
Cyn, it does sound like maybe the courting thing is over, but this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Guys can be stupid in this way, and I’m sure I was guilty of it a few times during my courtship & marriage. All it took was for her to say, “Is that what you’re wearing?” for me to get the hint and shower and/or change.
Good luck! 
Are you married to/living with this SO? Maybe if it’s been a while, some kind of routine has crept in. You know: more or less going through the motions. Feeling less the need to impress.
Which doesn’t necessarily mean that romance has died. Might have gone into hibernation a bit. Others with more experience than I will certainly be in a better position to provide you with judicious advice.
Thanks, people. We don’t live together and have been dating four months. I mentioned the grooming thing and he apologized…and hasn’t cut his hair or shaved very often. I think he’s such a valuable person, but I hate the way it makes me feel----not like someone he needs to impress.
I don’t know. I’m usually much more comfortable once my SO feels like he doesn’t have to dress up for me. I’m happier once I don’t feel like I have to wear make-up everytime I see him. I like the comfy feeling of being able to totally relax with someone. Of course, I do like him to keep shaving and stuff. Personal grooming is a plus.
What really impresses me is taking out the garbage, or changing the oil in my car. This means more to me than a clean shirt or cologne.
Hey, Cyn-
I’ve been thinking. Is it possible that he is depressed about something?
Just a thought.
Scotti
Maybe hes depressed because he loves you and you won’t live with him unless your married, you want a big wedding which you cant plan until after feb 2002. Meaning he will have to wait for almost 2 years to be with you every day.
Maybe hes depressed because trying to go see you 50 miles away on a regular basis is hurting him financially but he feels that it would be unfair to ask you to take on more of that burden because you arent in any better position to take it on than he is.
Maybe hes depressed because you constantly question his love, making him feel like a moron for not always having the right answers to every deep relationship issue. Things he has never really had to articulate to anyone before.
Maybe hes depressed because of the usual “every girl now thinks you’re safe” BS where damn near every woman he has ever known wants to be his best friend now when they wouldnt give him the time of day when he was single.
Maybe hes depressed because he wishes he didnt have to work two jobs to have the house and car he does. Maybe he wishes that you realized that he did this knowing that many women would never give him the chance unless he showed this level of ambition.
Or maybe hes just a worthless lump of a male and dosen’t have the stones to be the man you want him to be.
I tend not to shave until it gets itchy. I cut my hair only when the SO tells me it’s getting to long (since she fears I’ll relapse into ponytail man), and I only wear cologne for special occasions.
I do comb my hair, and wear clean clothes whenever I go to see her.
All the above does not mean that I love her less, or that I don’t “Have the stones” to be a good man. It means, basically, that I dont like shaving or cologne and that I forget to get my hair cut regularly.
YMMV, of course.
This does, however, raise a question in my mind. Might the SO feel the same way you do about all that? I’ll have to look into it, it’d not crossed my mind before…
Moderator’s note:
Hmmm, I’m guessing here but sounds like maybe drachillix and Cyn are a couple?
Discussing personal stuff is fine but discussions between two people in the midst of ironing out specific relationship issues between them would be better handled by email. It isn’t that people don’t care but a message board isn’t the place to hash this out. It violates your privacy and drags onlookers into taking sides: not a good spectator sport for anyone.
TVeblen
Well, sweeties.
Both of you…embrace what you have. Love doesn’t come along everyday, you know? Find a way, work it out. You will always regret it if you don’t try harder.
Scotti
Obviously you didn’t grow up in a small town.
I thank all of you for your input.