Having successfully escaped from the SDMB Clique, I your roving reporter Fenris will give you the true Straight Dope on
How Mods Find The Time To Do Their Jobs!
…because you demanded it!
I have successfully penetrated the first layer of secrecy: I’ve gotten inside the headquarters of the Straight Dope Research Lab by pretending to be a deliveryman with a new load of “Sperm Tree” samples for Cecil. My ruse got me in the door, although I wasn’t able to get to Cecil himself. Just as well, I suppose, since he would have been able to penetrate my disguise in a heartbeat.
Looking around, I’m trying to find the entrance to the SDMB facilities. So far I’ve found a room filled with gold bars, a room with an ongoing hot tub party with a dozen or more bikini babes (“Oh…you’re not Cecil” one of them said in a disappointed voice as she put back the bottle of coconut oil…Does Mrs. Adams know about this?), another room containing a framed copy of the map to the Lost Treasure of the Sierra Madre (the real one), and a completely empty room, except for a box labeled “office supplies” which contained: a “Closed” sign for a 7-ll, a piece of the True Cross, a roll of what claims to be frictionless toilet paper, a sword labeled “Excalibur”, a small, handwritten pamphlet containing over 70 everyday words that end in “gry” and a love-letter/mash note complete with nude pictures from The Jersey Devilette to Cecil.
*Note Three: *
I can hear sounds of showering. Listening, I can hear Jerl Walker discussing reasons why shower curtains pull in when the water’s turned on. It sounds like he’s talking to Cecil himself! A chance to glimpse the legendary recluse! I’m going to peek.
My eyes! I can’t see! It’s like a thousand flashbulbs all went off at once. Cecil’s got an aura of light! It’s blinded me!
My eyes are recovering. But it was like staring into the sun! No wonder he’s never been successfully photographed.
I think I’ve found it. It’s a huge oaken door, hidden in the back wall of a broom closet. There are locks and chains crossing it and several signs say “DANGER!”, “KEEP OUT”, “HAZARDOUS MATERIALS” and, inexplicably “BEWARE THE LEOPARD!”. I’m going to open it.
There was no leopard.
There was dark, narrow stairway going down into the bowels of the earth. A dim yellow lightbulb hangs naked from a cord.
At the bottom of the steps is a door. I’ll look.
The Mods are chained to computers. Thugs with whips and batons stalk around the room like restless tigers, looking for an excuse to savagely attack the Mods.
I’ll try to record some of the ‘conversation’
Thug 1: ‘ey yew! UncleBeer! There’s uh dubble post in whaddayacallit, MPSIMS: yew got t’irty seconds t’ clean it up.
UncleBeer: I’m sorry, I’ll get it…I’m hurrying…Don’t hit me again!
Thug 2: Lookit dis one. Dere’s a doity woid in Great Debates. Who do we make geddit?
Thug 3: Let’s make Gaudere do it.
Gaudere: No. Please. I’m sooo tired. Please! Can’t I get a little rest? And I’m really hungry. Can’t I have food?
Thug 3: Get back to woik!
Thug 2: Youse had your ration of artifical gruel yes’iday. Ain’t dat generous enuff?
Thug 4: Heh. Lookit dat. He’s asleep. Just like ‘n angel. An’ during th’ night too. He’ll be punished. We gotta keep up th’ illusion th’t he’s fr’m…whaddayacallit…Denmarkland…
<sound of wood hitting flesh>
Coldfire: <cries out in pain> Aaaagh! I’m awake! I’M AWAKE!
Thug 5: Tsk, tsk, tsk. Looks like someone’s allowed a poster to ask “Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?” in General Questions. I am appalled. Maurice! Send one of my knee-breakers to…discuss…that question with the poster in person. You can use Cecil’s Supercomputer to locate him. Tell the knee-breaker that I want a…thorough discussion.
Maurice: You got it, boss!
Thug 5: Manhattan, Chronos. I am very disappointed in you both. The “Parkway” question is halfway down the front page and you haven’t locked it yet. Do we need to have another session with The Board of Education?
Manhattan and Chronos in unison: No sir. Sorry sir.
Maurice: Hey boss! Lookit this!
Thug 5: Yes, Maurice? What is it?
Maurice: It looks like this crumb-bum what posted the “Parkway” question is also a character what also posted about “How can we have Jumbo Shrimp?” last week…and he also said that he likes Feldman better. You want I should make an example of him? <sound of knuckles cracking>
Thug 5: You know I am the most tolerant of men, Maurice, but liking Feldman better? That’s too much to bear. Yes Maurice. That would please me greatly. Perhaps if his fingers were removed, he wouldn’t be so quick to post. And make sure you brand the words “READ THE FAQ” into his forehead.
Maurice: You got it boss!
I’ve closed the door behind me and am quietly sneaking out, but questions whirl through my mind:
Can Cecil know this is going on? On one hand, Cecil knows everything. On the other hand, Cecil is the embodiment of all that is good and true. The only person who can unravel this riddle is Cecil himself, and I dare not ask him.
Until then fellow Dopers. When you post, think of the Moderators. Their hours of toil must not be in vain. Help the moderators: read the FAQ, read the Forum descriptions. Post appropriately. And pray for their souls.
Until next time,
Thank you and good night.
Your Roving Reporter Fenris